closing an open adoption

No flames here - just some ideas....we had to shut off most contact with Bgrandma because it made my DD too uncomfortable so I do get it. We also have a very good OA with BDad but still open adoption can be hard. But a couple of things jump out at me from your post that maybe you want to consider. a} It seems that you are putting a requirement on BMom to write letters in between visits. My thoughts are that not everybody can do that - some people are just not capable of being good communicators and even worse when they feel that they are under pressure or under the spotlight. Some people just cannot do that and forcing it just doesn't make it any easier. Can you back off of that requirement. Maybe just a text or a note or a quick phone call to say she is thinking of DD - and that may even be too much to ask. My DD's BDad would never be able to do that either and we struggle a bit with communication at first but now I know not to expect emails/letters etc from him. Phone calls are really awkward between them as well and they both struggle with what to say - fun visits in person work best for them. If my DD felt that I had requirements of her BDad that he wasn't/couldn't live up to it would taint her feelings about him. B} That requirement that you put on BMom may lead to more pressure on BMom during visits and may lead to extra tension between the two of you which your DD will feel and could be ruining the visits for her. Sounds like without realizing it you may be setting BMom up to fail and that "could" be leading to DD feeling more hurt. C}What are you doing during visits? Could you do things together that are fun so that DD can get to know BMom without it feeling like a power struggle or an interview or a forced relationship. things that allow space for the relationship to develop naturally. doesn't have to be big events but just things that allow for fun without the feelings of "BMom letting her down once again". Anyway....just some things to consider..... SM

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are all going through this.OA's are suppose to be beneficial for the child. If the child is being hurt and wants to stop visits, then I feel like you should listen to her. She is old enough to express herself clearly to you. You don't have to stop all contact. You could still send letters if you want and tell bmom that she can write dd as well. Then if/when dd decides she wants an actual visit, maybe you can arrange for that to happen. I just feel that forcing your dd to see bmom could cause more harm to HER. And this is about HER(dd) feeling safe and secure and being happy. JMHO

I don't know, don't get me wrong, I totally suck at the whole open adoption thing. I'm not a people person as a general rule, and when the people are the ones that treated my son the way he was treated...well, I'd be very happy with a closed adoption. But....I know my situation is different. Due to my son's functioning level, other than a week or so of agression, an hour visit 2x a year isn't that big a deal. For my son's siblings its a bigger deal. Which lead to a conversation I had with my son's sibling's grand...ok, my son's grandparent even if not by blood. Her son is about your child's age and has a hard time at visits and with the drama of the family. She almost cut visits too, for a slightly different reason. But I asked if maybe the "problems" the child was having was actually normal for the situation that child is in. Was it just easier to cut contact versus really being the "best"? After all, the personality of the birth parent isn't going to change, or in our children's case the mental illness, isn't going to change. In most cases when you have a mentally ill, or unable to relate, relative, you learn to deal with it on the day to day basis. But when its a birth parent, the only way you have to learn is by how your parents teach during the open adoption---or when you're a young adult seeking answers and alone confront the reality. We're still doing the visits. She came to feel much like I do that for a few hours a year its not a big deal, we just have to purposefully teach compassion and choices and acceptance....even though it really stinks and I for one would just rather not.

It sounds to me like you are trying to maintain control of the OA . . . I think you may have gone just a little too far on the control issue. PP is right, not all people can communicate via letters. The other thing . . . her Birthmom "loves her the best way she knows how" . . . and that is all anyone can do, it might not be how we would do or how we want it to be done, but it is just how it is. With my son, I tried to back off and give them a little space at visits, I kept them in sight and a short range, but I made sure I brought something else to do, a book, paperwork, phone calls to make. Don't get me wrong, I was watching everything that went on and occassionally I might join in, but for the most part, visits were their show . . . Our relationship ebbs and flows. My son is only 4 so I'm not sure how that may affect him in the future, if we have to change how we do things we will, whatever is best for him. I'm not trying to flame you either, but I think you have some very strong expectations of Birthmom and your daughter has picked up on those, she is probably feeling your tension as well. I just don't think the relationship can be rigid, but that is just my opinion. Being flexible with few expectations has lowered my blood pressure substantially. ;)

I don't think you can mandate letter writing. or much else except her behavior at visit, making sure things are appropriate. I personally have chosen a closed adoption, well i send pictures and updates, but no visits because my son can't handle it. he never liked bio mom and honeslty, his behavior has drastically improved since there aren't any more visits! for me the fact that she doesnt' respect your position as mom would be a no more visit issue. ive heard a therapist say that open adoption is like that, every time they visit it reopens the wound of adoption. and the child grieves all over. That might be different if visits were more fequent than a coupld of times a year, but who has time for that many visits?

I think the biggest struggle I came to (we have openness with people that have HUGE issues) is that I cannot expect unhealthy people to have healthy relationships. The reason we got to adopt our kids is because their bio parents have dismal relationship skills (addiction, abusive etc) and for me to suddenly expect that the behaviors that put my kids into foster care in the first place and made available to me for adoption would disappear so we could have a healthy open adoption is silly. Things are COMPLICATED -- yes, absolutely. But that doesn't mean it is wrong to do. I have seen the value in maintaining really complicated relationships as the kids have gone through the teen years. They see me (and them) write letters or send gifts and get response for years, and then they see that they pop back in after a couple years. They 100% know I am 100% honest with them about their birth parent issues and some of the reasons that these things have gone on. I realized that I was expecting birth mom of our sons to write letters --- and then realized that she was essentially functionally illiterate. She could not write a letter back to me in the same grammar form that I could write to her -- so because she couldn't, she didn't. She froze. She already felt inadequate (she lost her child, she struggled with addiction, the kids were obviously happier/better off with me) and now she was expected to write letters when her education level was essentially less that the child in question. It is perfectly ok that your daughter grieves because her birth mom can't write letters back (for whatever reason) - and it is in fact healthy because it is reality. Trust me, you want as little fantasy about what birth mom is like when she reaches the magic teen years ;) It is also ok that your daughter may not want to do visits (I would not force them) HOWEVER I would continue to keep your attitude and behaviors 100% in check -- because I can almost guarantee you that at some point your daughter will blame YOU for her birth mom's failures, and you need to be able with 100% certainty tell your daughter that you did everything you could to maintain that relationship. She needs to witness you trying. And you need to teach her that sometimes people (even grown ups we love) cannot do the things we need them to. It hurts, but it is also real. A fantasy of an involved, healthy, relational birth mother in her life is simply a fantasy. Her reality is that her birth mom struggles with communication and relationships. And those are some of the reasons that your daughter was adopted. Its ok for those reasons to hurt. Because it is truth.

I really do appreciate the support and understanding because I do handle the burden of this relationship pretty much all by myself. I've tried everything you guys have mentioned. Including all forms of contact, to very frequent visits like every other week and over the years we've had to back it out to 2-3 times a year and now 1-2 times a year. Things would always happen that would hurt dd or she would disrespect us and our decisions and we would have to pull back. I even went through a period over the last few years of not really pushing for anything, figuring any kind of contact was better than no contact at all. I'd just plan our yearly or twice yearly visits but things would continue to happen where birthmom in a drunken rage would lash out at me or she would visit but not make any real attempts to interact or communicate with dd. Instead just stay ont he side lines and then give her a tear filled hug. Each time we'd visit dd had a harder and harder time with it because things continued to be so awkward and all those feelings of of sadness, hurt and anger were always just right under the surface. It was so difficult seeing this person she really didn't even know much about and who didn't know her (other than what I would share). Over the last year and a half or so dd would break down int he middle of the visit and come to me for me just to hold her. Birthmom who had all but ignored her the entire time would come over and try and give her a hug and talk to her but dd wouldn't and couldn't say anything to her. Then dd would suffer for hours, days or even a week after in pain, depressed, crying etc. It was becoming clear that anything was not better than nothing. Seeing her and yet not having any real communication with her to get to know her or allow her to feel more comfortable was just doing more harm then good and really the visits were more for birthmom's benefit because although she wanted to see her (and that was really the only way she would willingly stay in contact with her) when we allowed those visits she just didn't know how to say or act in a way that made dd feel comfortable. Now, there were rare times when she did step up and interact and those are the times that I'd hold onto and think "now this is what we have been hoping for", but the majority of them didn't feel like that. It felt like strangers going out to visit and basically sittign next to each other but not going there to visit together. If you know what I mean. After seeing dd dealing with so much pain during visits and the days or weeks after I finally decided that I couldn't keep allowing dd to go through that, with no real benefit to her. This wasn't at all what we had hoped our future would look like and I was tired of it being so one-sided. Her birthmom either had to step up and really make an effort to communicate so dd could really see the benefits of open adoption or we had to walk away because what we had wasn't healthy for dd. Which is why I as kindly and honeslty as possible invited birthmom to write to dd between visits, just so that we could keep visits open to her, because without communication we could no longer continue to do visits like we had been doing. It just wasn't worth it. But dd's birthmom didn't step up and write her. Even after dd wrote her a letter. She didn't respond to my letter or dd's. Which is why dd was hurting again that her birthmom didn't write her back. This is when I should have just let things go and realized it just wasn't going to happen, birthmom just couldn't be the person we needed her to be in the relationship to keep it open. But I didn't feel l could just end things without giving her that one last chance, which is why I set up the new boundaries and asked told her that it was time to choose wether she wanted to be in the relationship the way "dd" needed her to be or we would have to stop contact. She did end up writing her but it was not in the way and time that we had set up in the boundaries we laid out. That was just proof to me that after 7+ years of her knowing what we want and begging for it all the time in what ever way possible (phone, visits and ideally letters) that she still was unwilling to put dd's needs first simply because she cared and wanted to be in the relationship with her. Even when we finally had to force her to choose, she did choose dd, but she didn't do it within the boundaries so it felt just like she was saying "I will do what you want but I will do it my way" and honestly I am just tired of battling her on this, every step of the way and trying to force her to show she cares. I shouldn't have to push her into communicating, interacting etc. with dd getting nothing in return. It feels like such a superficial relationship and I don't see how there is healing in that. Infact it seems like it hurts more. Seeing someone but never feeling really connected to them with anything but love...and a whole lot of hurt and loss and anger. Like my dd said "every time I see them I feel like I'm being adopted over and over again". I can see healing if communication is in place, and where visits are filled with positive feelings of bonding and getting to know each other but birthmom doesn't allow visits to feel like that because she doesn't know how to interact and communicate with her. It just feels like we should be able to expect more after 7+ years. More of a friendly/family type of feelings (and I won't say we haven't ever had that because we have), but we do have, and what birthmom willingly wants to offer just doesn't feel like enough and I feel like pushing her to write and open up would benefit my dd, it just doesn't feel right, having to force her to do it, if she can't do it on her own and we can't have visits without more communication than I don't see any choice I have but to stop visits for now, until dd feels she is ready to try it again someday in the future.

Just be careful that your boundaries don't turn into walls...

The best advice I felt I have received (I am an adoptee and someone who came to be a mother through adoption) is to follow my heart, and treat the situation as if I would have birthed my daughter myself. If she were my biological child, would I allow these visits to keep occurring with this person, resulting in pain? Are these visits beneficial for your daughter's growth and development? Follow your heart with your daughter's interest in mind and you can't go wrong. Trust yourself.