The Aftermath

Hey, Welcome. I am afraid that people may 'yell' at you, so I will say it gently. :-) Until you actually sign the TPR papers, you aren't technically a 'birth' mom, you are still considered an expectant mom. Once you sign those papers you get your membership card to the club that most birthmoms would rather not be a member of. :-) <being a birthmom> I am 2 days away from a full year into this ride. Have you discussed with the family you are looking at what type of adoption you are wanting? Open, semi open, closed? Any plans for contact after the baby is born? For me and many of the birthmoms that I have talked to, after the baby is born was a very painful and hard time. You go home alone and your body knows there is supposed to be a baby that you are supposed to be taking care of. I cried a lot and just about everything reminded me of littleman, it is crazy how 'hard' doing the 'right' thing for your baby is. Definitely not an easy decision. The best advice I can give is breathe! Take things one day at a time, even one hour at a time, the first few months were the absolute worst for me, but the pain will dull a bit, I no longer think about him every minute of everyday, but still from time to time it feels like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on. Try to find some support and maybe look into a therapist that you can talk to. Don't be afraid to ask for help and to accept it. I hope that things go well for you! :-)

Sorry for the mistake. It will be an open adoption, and I know it is the right thing for this child. I am definitely not ready to be a mother especially a single mother.

[FONT="Century Gothic"]Also thank you so much for your advise.[/FONT]

Your welcome! :-) Also, be aware that even though you are 100% sure that you are 'ready' to do the adoption there will be times when you will question what you have done. Visit can be awesome and horrible at the same time. I used to make myself sick waiting for the visits and then cry all the way home from them. They have gotten a little better over time. You will probably never be who you are right now ever again, there is no 'going back' to your old life, because you aren't the same person anymore. But you will be able to find a new 'normal' and make a different balance. Babies may be hard to be around for a little while, pregnant women and people trying to get pregnant may make you sad. That gets a little easier as well, around six months into this I was able to walk through a baby section in a store without crying. Try to cut yourself some slack and remember that whatever you are feeling is ok, whether you are sad, mad, glad, frustrated...any thing you are feeling is 'normal' and ok and let yourself feel that way! Don't try to 'tell' yourself that you shouldn't feel the way you feel. Also expect friends who know nothing about adoption to be awkward around you and for them to have trouble talking about it with you. And insensitive comments will probably be an issue as well. Definitely try to find someone who you can talk to about anything and call them if you need to talk! :-)

When you are pregnant with your first child there is just no way you can possibly imagine how it will be once baby is born. It just jumps out at you and takes over your all. This is why I think it important not to set any rules until after you have had your baby. However hard you think it will be, you will wish it was. I am not meaning to patronize, I am talking from experience. It ripped me apart for years and years. I had NO idea I could greive so much. I also had NO idea how much adoption would affect my daughter. No one told me. It was never talked about. And then there is the next generation and the next...so many people are affected. Quoted on these boards so often by birthmums...adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You maybe a fantastic mother. Having a baby makes you ready. Be careful. Hearts are broken. Take care

The reason that people will tell you that you are an expectant mom rather than a birth mom is because you are going to have to remake the choice to place your child for adoption after he or she is born. I know, because I had to. There is no time line on when things will get better. I've been dealing with adoption issues since I was little because I am adopted as well as a first mom. My son is 8, so I've been doing the first mom thing for that long. It is still hard for me when people get pregnant. I couldn't be around baby boys for about 6 years then I had to force myself to be ok with it. I agree with Susie that adoption is very often a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I thought I would merrily go on to have more children, wrong, I have secondary infertility. There are plenty of us that don't go on to have more children. I'm not trying to tell you what to do one way or another, just giving you a few things to think about.

[FONT="Century Gothic"] I guess you will all have to trust me when I say I know it's the right thing. I feel more like an incubator than a mother, but more importantly I am moving this child to a safe environment. One where I know the child will be protected and loved by both parents, something that I have no guarantee of providing if I keep it. I don't think I will ever consider myself to be the mother of this child simply because being a mom means a lot more than giving birth.[/FONT]

Nobody is trying to change your mind. I think you pretty much summed it up in the first sentence of your original post on this thread: you don't want this child. That's a hard thing to admit to yourself, I'm sure. If placing the baby for adoption means he or she will go to parents who will unconditionally love, protect, and nurture them at all cost, then adoption will be a very good thing for your child. Nobody can prepare you for how you'll feel following the birth. All I know is that the oxytocin levels will skyrocket during the childbirth process and immediately afterwards. It's nature's way of helping mothers bond with their babies, and it is overpowering. I do find it a bit disconcerting that you feel like you're a surrogate instead of your baby's mother. A lot of us have gone down that road before...it's called dissociation. It's a survival mechanism...

Hi Roxie, I understand what you said about feeling removed from being the child's mother. I felt that way for quite a long time. I placed it in the back of my mind, told myself that it was the absolute right thing to do for the child. I still believe that, but I had no idea how hard it would be so many years later. It's been 24 years for me since placement - I deal with it because I have no choice. But the pain never really goes away...you always remember what you've missed out on, what could have been. I hold onto the hope of reunion someday (I've been rejected for now). I'm glad you're planning an open adoption. I wonder how much different it would be for my situation if that had been the case? In any event, good luck and take care of yourself. You are the best person to decide whether or not adoption is right for your baby, listen to your heart.

You sound so much like I did back in 1982. I really believed I was in charge of my emotions because I KNEW in my heart I was doing the right thing. I had already given birth to my first born and KNEW I was not capable of juggling two babies exactly one year apart. However, the reality is that I will never KNOW if I could have done it. While I am grateful for my right to choose, I celebrate my decision against abortion and regret the adoption decision. Ours was a closed adoption that left me feeling used and scarred. Even though I went in with eyes wide open, no one could have prepared me for the many years of doubt and loss. I'm so glad you have chosen an open adoption. I hope for your sake, they (the A-parents) will always honor the promise to keep the adoption open.

Hi ((Roxie)) The best thing to do now, because you are interested in an open adoption, is to ensure that the agency and prospective adoptive parents will honor the open adoption. Unfortunately, open adoptions are not legally enforceable in any state, and therefore, it is taking them at their word. Trust your gut, and if things seem weird or concerning, you can always back out and go with a different prospective parents, or a different agency. Here's a great site to use to recognize the warning signs and what to ask for: [url=http://reformadoption.com/openadoption.shtml]ReformAdoption.com[/url]

I understand you wanting to give your child a safe environment. But there is no guarentee that your baby will be raised by two loving parents. In fact the adoptive parents of my child split up when then amom had an affair and left the family. And later all the turmoil as they fought over custody and the aftermath. I am not saying that you need to parent your child. But I do want to say that there are no guarentees. You are your baby's mother and you need to give birth and then decide what is best. Do not make a decision before you give birth and have time to bond with your baby.