Teenager Name decision

My son (who was the same age as yours at adoption) kept all 3 of his names and added ours at the end. (He has 2 middle names).The options presented to him were: 1. Change last name2. Change middle and last name (i.e. make his former last name his middle name, and take our last name)3. Keep his full name, and add family last nameIn other words, he had a choice, but "don't share our name" wasn't on the list. BUT he says sometimes that he wishes he kept his name, and calls himself by his former last name. I try to be understanding...I also felt a small sense of loss after I took my husband's name (though I don't regret it). Loss is a HUGE part of adoption. He's losing part of his identity, and even though it's "just a name", it's who he has been for 14 years. See if letting him keep all of his names makes him happy. Plenty of people have 2 middle names.My son tried out calling us "mom" and "dad" for a while but after a short time he said he didn't feel comfortable with it. When he talks ABOUT us, it's "my mom/my dad", but when he talks TO us, he avoids calling us anything or uses first names. I strongly believe in not FORCING the issue, and thought it would either come naturally or not. I compared it to being in an arranged marriage and being told all of the sudden, I must call my spouse "honey". It would feel weird to me, but maybe would eventually come naturally.In retrospect, though, I wish I had encouraged him to stick with it a little longer. I do think that the names are important for attachment. I still don't believe in forcing it for an older child, but I wish I had encouraged it by referring to my husband as "dad" and stuff like that. Maybe ask him to try out "mom" and "dad" for a few weeks, and tell him if he doesn't like it, it will be his choice. Once he gets over the weirdness of it, he might stick with it. Or maybe not. What does he call you now?

Very good friends also had an adoptive placement at that age -- she also was unwilling to change her name or call them mom or dad. In fact, eventually she also blew out of their home around age 18. However now, at 21 or so, she is incredibly loving to them. She may not call them "mom and dad" but she certainly refers to them as her parents. Also, she is very openly loving about them and towards them. A kid at that age is pretty defined and their identity is also set. Adoption is NOT the same as biological parenting. It's not like you just gave birth to a 14 year old. He has 15 years of life, experiences, attachments and memories -- this relationship has to be mutually respectful. Allowing him to keep his own name, and call you what he needs to may be the very best you can hope for. You BELONG together as a family -- but that doesn't mean you are his only family, or his first family. Forcing the issue, in my opinion, will only garner disrespect.

Thank You ..Everyone. OK I get it, after reading the helpful post and doing more searching around the net I have come to the conclusion to not influence him in this matter. :hippie: I just need to focus on being the best parent possible.. consistent and loving :loveyou:

You know, if it is really important to you, you could always change your last name to his ;) I think I would tell him that you want to respect his wishes, and understand his attachment to his name. That you would love to share a last name with him - and explain some of the reasons why (so people would always know you belong together, to feel more like a family etc) and that if he wants to at ANYTIME you guys can make the name change happen. So he knows that if he changes his mind at 23 or 31 or 40 you will help him. BUT no matter what you will always view him as your son. He needs to have permission to feel whatever he feels (like your his parents, but not his mom/dad, like you are his mom/dad but different than his first parents etc) BUT also needs to know that YOU view him as YOUR SON. Always and forever, no matter what. How he feels won't change how YOU feel for him. Spell it out clearly -- as you go through the next few very, very, very tough years -- your commitment will probably be very tested and having stated it verbally will really matter.

Very wise, Jen is <said in my best Yoda voice> ;)

Love it! I have actually said this in the GPS classes - that I was going to change my last name to my children's when I get them. I dislike my last name, wouldn't want to saddle a child with it so, why not? A few people in the class looked at me like I was crazy! I hope this "outside-the-box" thinking helps me in my future parenting endeavours. Of course, it isn't feasible in most family situations. I am glad that the overall opinion and last thought by the original poster was to respect the child and be the best parent that you can. I think that is the best solution, as well. It is great to see so many people working together to help each other care for these children. This is a great forum for support thanks to people who care like all of you :cheer:

I had a LT in my command that hated his last name. When he had children, the whole family changed their last name.