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It seemed from the very beginning the church's only thought was *who* was going to get the baby, before I was even given the chance to think about it. Everyone looked at me as the unwed mother who's baby was their long awaited answer to prayer, this one couple in particular. My legal guardians were the pastor and his wife and they looked on me after I found out I was pregnant as someone who didn't deserve the child because I had sinned and wasn't married yet they were all for me placing my child in their care or one of their members care for adoption (who were on their 2nd marriages and living in adultery) because they "needed and wanted a baby" and it wasn't fair to them if I decided to keep. When I did finaly decide to give my baby up the couple I chose related to me that they thought God sent me their way because He knew they wanted a baby. The day I told him the woman's husband started yelling at me about how emotional his wife was-I was devistated and she looked angry too. I guess because she had gone through this before. 24 years later and a grown daughter contacts me telling me she doesn't hold it against me that I chose to give her up. Then I asked her a question: Why wasn't the church back then interested in helping me keep my family together? I wanted to know because it seemed everyone was fussing about who was going to get the baby and I was informed by the preacher's wife that I wasn't getting a baby shower and I didn't deserve anything because this baby was conceived in sin. What about all the couples who were living in adultery? What about their sins?! Why was this church only interested in dividing *my* family? Why didn't they care about helping me keep my family together?! I was a birthmother, what ever the hell that meant from the very beginning! People seem to think that because you are alone then it's like they are vultures ready to pick apart what remains of your shattered life! Excuse me but I'm not a birthmother I AM a mother!!!!!
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Yes, you are a mother. I'm sorry you were pressured by your church into giving up your child.Your daughter just doesn't know. If you still have contact with her, you may recommend this book to her: The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. It might open her eyes to the "choice" that you and many other girls and women actually had.
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Hi,
Well, I am heartbroken. I and daughter talked a little bit on facebook ...she wanted to ask me two questions: What was her birthfather's name and what health issues did the family have. Then I asked her a question: "Why wasn't the church interested in helping me keep my familly together?" I gave her some details: Like there was only a couple of people out of that whole congregation that cared wether or not I kept my baby. One of them was an elderly gentleman who I think loved me. He told me he would do anything to help me. The other was this one woman who first took me aside and said, "I heard you are giving your baby up. I couldn't do that. How could you possibly do this." she didn't talk to me about it again until about 2 weeks before the due date. The adopting mother wouldn't even come to church because at the end of the pregnancy I decided to keep. Then this lady who I mentioned at first told me, "I'm so glad you decided to keep your baby, it's o.k." then I started balling because I knew it was too late. The adopting parents already had a bed and they had been paying my medical expenses. I didn't have peace in my heart about keeping her because they had hoped and dreamed and prepared all this time. I just started balling because I knew it was too late.
When I related this to my daughter she took herself off facebook.
It sounds like you are connecting your daughter with your experience in this church. She has no idea why people acted the way they did before she was born. If you want a connection with her, you will have to separate that relationship in your mind from your prior bad experiences with her family.
It will be hard, and it sounds like you have some really hard things to cope with. In the process, remember that your daughter had even less choice in the matter than you did. She is probably hoping you will have answers to her questions.
It might be a good idea to work with a counselor to deal with the grief and pain and sense of betrayal you are coping with. Afterward, maybe you can start fresh with your daughter.
Hi bluebonnet 72,
Thank you for your responce,I think you are right. I think I am relating her to what happened when she had less of a choice than I did. I wrote her a letter a few days ago saying I'm sorry she chose to withdraw from facebook. I told her I didn't know how to talk to her and I quoted something I wrote when she was 18 and I wrote it here on adoption.com. It was about me being the one who made the decision and learning to live with it. I don't think my daughter will ever try and contact me again because I said her parent's marriage was against God's commandments. I later apologised. She wrote me on facebook in June out of the blue and I guess I just wrote her too many times and may have said some things she did not like, mentioning the question I asked here..."Why didn't the church care about helping me keep my family together?" And I told her how only a couple of people out of that whole church came to me telling me how they thought I was doing the wrong thing and only one person out of that whole church told me they would do what they could to help. Everyone else was bickering back and forth over who was going to get the baby. I may get some counseling over how I should pursue contacting my daughter in the future.
Rhonda