to 'walk away'

I get so tired of hearing how we walked away from our babies. I did the only thing I could do at the age of 16/17 with no help, financial assistance, or emotional support from my parents. I DID NOT ABANDON OR WALK AWAY FROM MY SON!! My only crime was being a teenager who was having sex with her long-time boyfriend. I tried my hardest to find a way to keep my son...but I just couldn't find one. I've had plenty of APs tell me I walked away from my son. I've had some tell me that by reuniting with him 22 years ago, I wanted my cake and eat it too. That drives me insane....what cake? I've lived with pain, loss, and grief every single day for over 40 years now. There is no cake...

working lots of evenings at the moment so no time to articulate just now....but WILL be back. I am glad I have stimulated some discussion and do want to reiterate what L4R has said...its people from in the adoption triad I have heard say it most!!

Okay...well then...consider me floored. :eek: I was thinking that those without a legitimate clue would pop off with that kind of terminology because they had no frame of reference and didn't understand the depth and complexities that adoption cases can take on. To them it sometimes seems like a very "this happened, then that resulted, and this decision was made...next?" thing. I guess I failed to take into account that I don't have many (any?) people around me that have experience with adoption. Small sample size alert! But if you hear that kind wording from someone who has gone through it and STILL chooses to say things in that way then that person has the same problem with insensitivity that the uninformed person does but with an extra heaping helping of...well...I'd be edited and kicked off the boards...yeesh... Best, PADJ

PADJ, You'd be surprised at the amount of aparents that are angry that we placed our kids. It would probably astound you.

I don't doubt that it would astound me, because I don't get it at all. A-parents that are angry that you placed kids for adoption? Man, I must have OD'd on turkey and stupid for Thanksgiving, or I hit the decongestant tablet bottle once too many times today or something...I'm lost... :confused:

My a-mother isn't angry with b-mothers. But, she doesn't understand them at all and makes uninformed comments about them.I have relatives who conceived out of wedlock and were able to choose to keep their children. I told my mother that they had been in a similar pinch to my mother, and if things had been different, those cousins could also have been adopted out. . . . She said, "No, so-and-so would never give up her child." If only it were that easy.I was quite tiny at birth. I think it is because my mother was very stressed. When I told my a-mother that was why I think I was a small baby, she said, "Well, your mother probably found some relief after the decision was made." I just let her think that. Having talked with my b-mother, I know that the "relief" probably only came years later after scar tissue was allowed to form.

It is rather astounding whenever I hear these judgmental phrases come out of the mouths of aparents. And it's only gotten so much worse for natural mothers since the foster-to-adopt system was put into place because now so many aparents only have experience with adopting kiddos whose moms were drug addicts and/or mentally ill. Some of them seem to assume that ALL of us are like that. I've even had some amoms tell me that if we hadn't surrendered our children to adoption, we most likely would have abused them. That drives me insane. I would NEVER have abused my son...his aparents are the ones who did that number.

okay. So so interesting that the subject of aparents has come into this disccusion as that was exactly where I was heading folks!!! If we 'walked away'....did aparents 'take' those same babies and 'pretend' the child was theirs'!

No thoughts good people????

I know my adopted mother made some horrendous statements based on her own insecurity that makes the term "walked away" seem like a blessing. I don't what she thought saying things like that would do except make me scratch my head and wonder how she could say those things. I saw her as weak and hateful when she said those things. I won't repeat them. It's hard enough being adopted let alone having to place a child without the "stigma" thrown by people who in fact are benefiting from the loss everyone feels. I don't what the devil people are thinking at the best of times let alone knowing why people think that in order to bond with a child they have to keep secrets or denigrate the fact that there was a loss. I think some people who adopt want to believe they "saved" the child and the child if given enough love etc will not ever want to look. I think there are others who have better insight but are still fearful somewhere deep inside when people find their people. That's what it was about for me finding out what the heck happened. Whys and wherefores. Initially I don't think I was prepared even though I tried to convince myself I was. I am sure in the confusion of expressing myself I have inadvertently stepped on some toes having not walked on those feet. If so I am sorry. Truly. I don't think this world needs any more pain.

I've heard it all and then some, as I'm sure many or most of us have, espeically those of us who have walked this path for many years (Raven, I'm thinking of you here and others with grown children). "How could you walk away" is another variation of my other personal favorite (NOT!) of "I could NEVER give my baby away!" which I have heard more times than I've cared to (once, frankly, is enough). I've heard this from many people, including those in adoption (aparents and adoptees as well, thankfully not from my own son). I've heard comments from younger people about how is it that we couldn't have figured out birth control, not knowing that especially in past decades, birth control was either very hard to obtain, especially as a teenager, or not even around (I think the pill didn't come out until the early 60s or so). Of course, there is the old standby that we shouldn't have spread our legs and gotten knocked up in the first place. But getting back to "walking away" from our babies, I think if we are perceived this way, it can assuage a lot of guilt in people. If we are thought of as loving mothers who desperately wanted to keep our children but couldn't find a way, had no resources, or our backs were up against a wall, I imagine it would be harder for individuals and society as a whole to even think of adoption, especially as it was practiced (and I would argue even as it is still practiced) as a solution. I have also found it very messed up that we are "brave and courageous" when considering adoption, but before the ink is even dry on the relinquishment papers, we are these horrible abandoners and all the "how could yous" and "I could NEVER do thats" start coming out of people's mouths. Great that your back was never up against a wall, and/or you were not naive, young an inexperienced and could not possibly have any idea of the long term ramifications of such a decision until you have truly lived it, and there but for the grace of God....

As an ap maybe I shouldn't join this discussion, so feel free to tell me to butt out :-). I totally agree with this statement. I love our adopted daughter dearly and can't imagine life without her, but it's so hard to even consider adopting again knowing what I know now. C's bparents are very poor and can barely support the children they have at home. They're in a long term committed relationship. I can't say for sure why they weren't using protection, but considering they were in a rural area with few services, I imagine cost and access came into it. I find myself wondering how we can fix what's broken in the system. But I think JustPeachy is right, it's easier to ignore this because then you have no responsibility to advocate for change. I think another aspect of it, for ap's, is when it comes to reunion. I want our daughter to be able to have a relationship with her bparents. I admit I'm probably going to have to deal with some nerves and insecurities as she grows and we build that relationship. In general though, I think as time passes, it's easy for ap's forget all those emotions from birth and placement (if they ever noticed them at all), it becomes easier to judge rather than to understand. So many people in our society make themselves feel better by putting someone else down. It's easy to put ourselves in a bubble blocking out those with different struggles and then feel superior because we don't have "that" issue while we ignore whatever issue we do have. Maybe I look at it differently because my mom made a similar temporary decision (she placed me with family for 3 years, but never TPR'd and then took me back). She's told me many times of the pain she felt. I come to this section of the forum to make sure I don't forget. C's bmom was supposed to meet us that morning after she signed the TPR. She called to say goodbye on the phone because she couldn't handle being there when we took C. I know she "walked out" of that hospital. But I believe every step was one of the hardest she'd ever taken. It wasn't easy for her to put one foot in front of the other that day. I hope I never forget her phone call that morning. And I sincerely hope I never forget that it was hard for her to leave C there for me to take care of.

I think the general public anyway, sees adoption as a win-win-win. People who are not intimately involved do not understand that there is loss that is inherent in adoption. I think it is also easy to believe that we walk away and to turn us into something we aren't because it goes against nature's instinct. How could anyone possibly do what appears to be exactly the opposite of what natures intends for us to do? Obviously we must have major problems. Alot of times the biggest problems are fear and lack of support. The general public and some adoptive parents don't see that though because who wants to admit that it might have been possible for a woman to keep her child with some help rather than go through the emotional trauma of placing.

I think the general public anyway, sees adoption as a win-win-win. People who are not intimately involved do not understand that there is loss that is inherent in adoption. I think it is also easy to believe that we walk away and to turn us into something we aren't because it goes against nature's instinct. How could anyone possibly do what appears to be exactly the opposite of what natures intends for us to do? Obviously we must have major problems. Alot of times the biggest problems are fear and lack of support. The general public and some adoptive parents don't see that though because who wants to admit that it might have been possible for a woman to keep her child with some help rather than go through the emotional trauma of placing.

still here people. Valid comments from all of the above. Infact everything talked about is so thought out and true, which in turn reiterates to me what a complex situation adoption is. I am of the opinion that if there weren't a whole lot of 'wholesome' people waiting with their arms out for our babies other solutions would have had to be found. I have compared it to the story of Robin Hood before. He robbed from the rich to give to the poor whereas adoption to me is robbing from the poor to give to the rich! It was NEVER about the babies, it was about meeting the needs of the aparents. NB I am NOT talking about children rescued from abusive situations. I spent the other nite with a good friend who is trying hard to be there for two children who lost their mum recently to an anneurism. They have their dad still, but the family is struggling emotionally. My friend said to me " They have lost the best gift in life they could ever lose...their mum"