anyone else treated differently by birthfamily?

Personally (and this is easy for me to say right now, not having gone through what you describe) I'd welcome the chance to see if my b-mom would treat me differently from my two half brothers. We've never met...but that's another story that's been told before ad nauseum, blah blah blah... First, I don't agree that your job is "not the most honorable job." Okay we can debate to what degree is a particular calling more or less honorable than another, but those in your line of work deserve big THANK YOU's just like those in our armed forces do. First responders are often just that...first into the fray when things go wrong and they (you) provide a valuable service to your community. So, at least from me, thank you. Second, I wonder if partly why your b-mom constantly compares you to your half brother is that she's stressed out about him going into harm's way and this is how it manifests? Anyone with a sibling has heard the comparisons once in a while, but if it's a constant thing then it seems to me there's something else driving it. Just wondering... Best, PADJ

Your chosen profession is very honorable. Was your older half-bro raised by your mother, and you were not? IF so, I wonder if it is her way of coping with having lost you. By touting her raised son, she may be touting her own parenting skills. By and large, she cannot take credit for your successes, but she may feel the need to celebrate the successes of the children she raised to make up for her feelings of inadequacy about not having been able to raise you. In a way, it could be a contest: her versus your birth parents. But this is entirely speculative. That was just my first thought when I read your post.

First, I agree with the above people that both of these are very honorable jobs and you deserve a big thank you for your service. I think L4R might unfortunately be on to something with respect to why she is doing this. That certainly seems possible. Regardless, it's very hurtful and I'm sorry you are being subjected to it. I have only one half-sibling, and the natural father we share is deceased. It seems to me that I am treated differently than other extended family members by most people in the natural families. I am not surprised by this.

Thanks everyone. you all have great points and I haven't thought about those things. He was raised by my bmom and I guess I never thought about it as a cong mechanism. It's not being treated differently that's the problem. I could have worded it better. its the fact that she keeps saying I should be more like him. I mean I'm me and all I want to be is me. I know she loves me but its almost like she's saying I'm not good enough. I guess its hard for her but I hate that she takes it out on me.

I'm sorry. That would be incredibly difficult to handle.You're good enough as you are.I don't know how long you have been in reunion. I don't know how firm the footing is between the two of you. But, if it were me, I would probably attempt to talk about it with her. I don't know about you, but as an adoptee, I've always felt as though I was less than because I wasn't kept. So, I wouldn't be able to continue in a relationship in which my mother actually made me feel that way.I'm not in ANY way encouraging you to end things with her. But, if you feel like the relationship can handle it, I might just talk with her about how you feel.Difficult but maybe necessary.

I agree with LR4 in that a conversation about it may be necessary, provided you feel comfortable enough in the relationship to do so. Those are tough ones to have, but sometimes they turn out to be something that the other person doesn't realize what they're actually communicating for one reason or another. One of those "I know you think you understood what you thought I meant..." moments. I had to have a conversation like that at one point in the past. I worried and fretted about how to bring it up and then one day the other person used one of the trigger phrases again (kind of like when your b-mom says you should be more like your half-brother). I don't know if I was in a mood or whatever just then but without even thinking I just said "why?" There was a period of stunned silence, followed by a lot of er's and um's on their part, before they finally replied "what do you mean?" That was the opening set up on a tee. If only the rest of the conversation had gone so smoothly and inventively... ;) Hope it works out for both of you. Being accepted and validated for who and what we are is a basic human need. Adoptees may feel it more keenly since we seem to usually have more layers to peel, but we're the same critters overall. Best, PADJ

So the other day she called me just say hi and happy thanksgiving and all that. and of course she started up again with my brother. I don't really know what happened but I just lost it. I told her that. proud of myself and I'm me, not my brother, so she can either accept that or leave me alone. there was a long pause and then she said she was sorry and didn't know how much it hurt me, even though I've told her it did before. I'm not one to lose my coolbit I guess I'm glad I did because it worked. I feel bad for yelling at her though. just thought I would update you all. thanks for all the support. Alex

Sounds as if you were successful in getting your point across, so that's a positive. If you feel like you should and can, maybe in a little while there would be the opportunity for a "sorry I went off during our last phone call" moment...just to soothe any ruffled feathers. Again, if you feel it necessary and appropriate. It's possible that she didn't know how much it hurt you, but hopefully the response that she received got that point across. Best, PADJ

Sadly, sometimes we have to lose our cool in order for others to hear us. I agree with PADJ. If you feel it's necessary you can apologize for losing it. But, I would probably say something like "I'm really sorry that I lost my temper with you. However, I am glad that you heard me and understand that the comparisons hurt me."

Good for you for having the courage to be honest. It's seem pretty clear that to be oblivious to how that would make someone who she gave up feel is ridiculous. My birthmother has says things that make me want to scream as well. She says things like "my boys" which automatically makes me feel excluded. Or she will ignore my need to tell someone about something that upsets me and say "there's nothing I could do" as an excuse for not even responding. "We were busy". I want to have the tantrum of all tantrums. I have come to the conclusion that there will need to be a rendering down session if we are ever to have any real relationship but I don't know if I have the patience to deal with someone who could be that clueless given how painful it is to me. She has said things like "if I had it to do all over again I don't know if I would have gone down that road" meaning getting to know me. Talk about a slap in the face. I was stunned. Gobsmacked that she could say that on the telephone in such a matter of fact way. I don't know if she wanted me to burst in to tears or what but I just became numb. I am sorry that you had to go through that but at least you had the guts to let loose. I didn't. Maybe that's the problem I am too polite.