Insecurities & Hyper-Emotions

My main source of confusion is how he feels. He has been very closed off with his emotions and I'm trying To take it slow for his sake. How can I get him to tell me what he wants from me and do I even have the right to ask at this point?

Hi HappyandScared, I am an adoptee in reunion with my bmom so I thought I would share with you my thoughts. Keep in mind though this IMPORTANT detail....I am female :) which I think makes a difference. I suspect that your son may be as uncertain about what he wants from the relationship as you are. I know when I first decided to search, I thought that all I wanted was to meet my bmom, learn that she was okay, and maybe get some medical history, etc. Looking back, I now realize I had "convinced" myself that's all I wanted just in case that's all I could get....assuming I could get even that. I think it was a "protective wall" of sorts so I wouldn't feel rejected if she didn't want to meet me too. Truth is...there really is no way to really protect yourself once one makes the decision to put yourself "out there." As you read through more postings on this site, I think you might find that most will agree that reunion is a fine balance which is hard to regulate. On one hand, neither mother or child want to "bully" their way into the other's lives but on the other hand...appearing "ambivelent" about the relationship can have its negative effects as well. Honesty, empathy, patience and the ability to view the budding relationship from the other's perspective will serve you best as you and your son embark on this roller coaster ride known as reunion. Blessing to you and your son. It IS an exciting and scary time, isn't it!!!

You say that he recently contacted you. . . . It might be too soon to have that talk.People sometimes talk about this honeymoon phase of reunion as the falling in love phase of a relationship. Would you want to ask a romantic partner where the relationship is headed this early in your relationship? Probably not. It can put too much pressure on the other person.You both need time to figure out exactly what you want from the relationship. As Belonging stated, your son may not yet know exactly what it is that he does want. Give it a chance to breathe. It will develop organically. And, with time, he will hopefully open up more to you.Best to you!

I appreciate the insightful replies. They both make a lot of sense. In my haste last night I sent a message telling him I don't want to upset things but need him to know he is important to me. For some reason I needed him to know this. Well, although he didn't declare his feelings for me he did say he's not going anywhere so some of my insecurities are relieved. For now. I would have thought the hardest part of this process was 22 years ago but I'm starting to think this might be even harder! Thanks again for the support, I need all the help I can get right now.

Belonging, I loved what you wrote. My heart - and my own reunion - matches up perfectly with your thoughts. It's not an easy road for us in reunion, but I am a better person because I chose to walk it. Peace and blessings to all of us - birth parents and adoptees.

I do really appreciate the positivity I'm reading on here. Seems no matter the dilemma you all face it with optimism! I had an aha moment today. I think part of my emotions about our reuniting is related to me never letting myself grieve him when I gave him away. Self preservation made me shut the emotions off regarding him and now that I allow them back I'm getting a double whammy! Lucky me. Any thoughts?

I don't have any thoughts to offer about a birth mom shutting off the emotions about surrendering their child for adoption and then re-experiencing them years later. I'm coming at this from the adoptee side, this time male :D , although honestly I don't know if gender makes as much difference as personality perhaps? But I digress... I think the point that you made that he is important to you, that he matters even all these years later, was spot on. Personally there are times when I don't know what I wouldn't give if my b-mom would just answer the "where is our relationship going" question, and this is 4 years or so after we first spoke. I would venture a guess that he is just as unsure and without "answers" to some of your questions as you feel. I don't consider you obsessed...I think you're very motivated to get to know the child (now an adult) that was given up years ago...to not let him "slip away" for a second time if that makes sense? Probably best to approach it without preconceived ideas cast in stone. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being honest with each other about this, if you feel your relationship is of the type in which such communication is acceptable. Shared uncertainty is a common ground, if nothing else. Best, PADJ

From what I have read about women who have relinquished children, what you are feeling is typical. You couldn't allow yourself to feel the pain back then, so it is coming out now. I just want to applaud your courage to feel the pain and work on having a relationship with your son. For many of us adoptees, when we attempt to contact our mothers, they are unable to deal with the rush of pain they feel, and they pull away.

I think Im seeing a common theme that adoptees approach the reunion with as much insecurity as the birth parent. I guess I always thought that all birth parents would be as eager as I am to build a relationship, so we could start once the adoptee gave the signal they were ready. So, I need patience , patience, patience, right? I breathe deeply and know when he is ready to give me direction I will follow. All the thoughts and experiences you generously shared have really helped me focus my thoughts and check my emotions.

And she's back. So he really wants to keep me guessing I think. I could really use some opinions about the current turn of events. We had been messaging 5-15 times per day just quick one liners. Last week this dropped to once per day. I commented last week that wow I hadn't heard from him in a whole day hope he's okay. He didnt respond right away but said sorry to make me worry I deserved my first picture for that. I have seen pics but this one was taken for me so thought was thoughtful. I told him i really liked my picture thank you, but i wasnt worryin. That was 4 days ago and haven't heard from him again. Aargh. Instincts are telling me he is taking a breather so give him time. I feel like an exsmoker dealing with a craving having to retell myself that every couple of hours so I don't send him a message asking what's up. What do you think about this?

You really seem to have been in the Honeymoon Stage of reunion. It's really hard to maintain that level of communication for long periods of time. . . . At some point, it has to level off. It has to become more sustainable.He does seem to be committed to getting to know you. He's 21. He's at a time in his life when he is supposed to be separating from his parents and developing more and more independence, yet he is taking the time to get to know you. That's fantastic. And, he's a guy. Adoption research shows that more female than male adoptees search. So, he really does seem to be into getting to know you.It is just going to take some time for your emotions to level off.

Me thinks he's a boy! Completely different than being in reunion with a girl. Trust me, I know this to be true. You are going through EVERYTHING I already went through. If you want to PM me, that would be fine, it appears I am about a year or so ahead of you in this game of reunion.

You said you weren't worried so he's like "oh good so she's cool and she got a great selfie of me so... we're good then". He's not thinking oh it's been 4 days she's loosing her mind not knowing. LOL I think us women need to have everything "fixed" before we can relax. Just our thing. take a deep breath and look at that handsome face you created! :)