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After a few weeks of reading others posts, I finally got the nerve to post myself about my experience with a reunion.
I am the spouse of a father that was reunited with his adult daughter who he hasn't seen in 30 years. We are now 10 months into the reunion. Husbands daughter contacted him early this year by message via facebook. From the very beginning, I always tried to put myself in his shoes, so I was very supportive of the reunion. The relationship progressed from emails to weekly calls. My husband and I have two grown sons together. In early summer, we all planned a weekend visit, a chance for her and her husband to meet her father and her half-brothers. The reunion went very well. We took alot of pictures, and you could really see the resemblance in our sons and her.
She is a very outgoing girl, a trait I'm sure she got from her father. She calls and texts both of her half-brothers. The youngest son has been very receptive and carries on long conversations with her, however, our oldest son refuses to reply to her emails or calls. I've tried to explain to my husband that although he has an attachment to her, that he couldn't expect our son to feel the same way. He is an adult and has never known her.
When my husband talks to her on the phone, he almost sounds like a different person. He talks about our famiy like it was a fairytale, something out of a storybook. Throughout our marriage, we have hit quite a few rocky roads. I find myself wishing it was the way he's telling her. She asks alot of questions, and he always seems to twist the truth just enough to make himself out to be the victim. It irriates me and I ask him, why can't he just be honest with her.
Throughout the last 10 months I've came to realize, she will never know the real him. He only gives her the "good" part of him. And how unfair to my sons, who saw the good, but also the "hothead" that he is.
Since her and her husband came for a visit in the summer, she has been trying to set up a time for us to visit. After husband talked to her on the phone recently, he announces to me that we are going for a visit this Thanksgiving weekend. Had it been any other time, it wouldn't have bothered me that much. There was no discussion with me and thats what bothers me the most. Our oldest son is in the military and very often comes home for Thanksgiving. Husband called son and told him our plans. I am so hurt by this, husband would much rather disappoint his son than to risk disappointing a daughter who wasn't even a part of our lives this time last year. I'm not angry at her. She truly is a very sweet girl. I just never anticipated that this reunion would cause the confict that it has. Just needed to vent.
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Believe me, eventually his daughter will see the real him. It's only been 10 months. They are still getting acquainted. Whenever we meet someone new, we tend to paint ourselves in the best possible light to entice the other person to stick around. With time, most people do let their guards down and show themselves for who they really are.I am sorry that your husband was so inconsiderate toward you and the rest of your family regarding the Thanksgiving plans. He really should have talked with you about it. . . . Again, he is in the midst of a new relationship, and new relationships are always exciting, and we generally don't want to disappoint the other person. We want to be around them all the time. This need should fade and normalize as time goes on. . . . That doesn't mean that you should accept his lack of consideration. There should have a least been a conversation between the two of you about your Thanksgiving plans.
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Out of Order:
First of all, I love your name. I too amthe spouse of a birthfather who was recently found by his 21yr old daughter. We have been together for 14 yrs and although my husband had a brief relationship with the mother of this child, he never knew she had a child. So, imagine our surprise.
I posted to the 'birthparent's forum, because much like you, I just haven't known where to go. There is so very little support for the current familieis and I have struggled quite a bit with the reunion. Much like your name, this is all a bit 'out of order'. My husband and I have two young children, 2 and 7. No one in our family knows right now about this relationship, as we are still trying to figure it out ourselves. Because my husband didn't know he had a child, he has no instant connection with this girl. Although, I can see that changing. We've emailed up until this point and they've had two conversations on the phone. He's trying to do what is right, but I can also tell this girl is looking for a family. If I remove myself from the situation, I understand completely what she wants and needs. However, because it impacts me directly and our family, I struggle.
The getting-to-know-each-other phase I find challenging. It is new and exciting and that is somewhat unnatural in a long-standing marriage. It feels like an invasion on our relationship at times and I agree, they seem to get only 'the best' side because that is usually what's presented. Just like the courting phase of a romantic relationship. I disagree with the other post though - I don't know that any other side will come out because it's not a deeply embedded relationship that has the proximity or the history to go deeper. At least for a long time.
I appreciate your post and wonder why there aren't more on here like it. Although I understand it's something we all have to go through, I don't know why more people 'on the outside' don't talk about the reunion and its challenges.
I agree that we need more post from our prospective. The reunion not only includes father and daughter, but greatly impacts each and every member of our family. I'm very concerned about the effect this is having on our own two sons. I do not doubt the love my husband has for our sons, however, I feel he would rather risk upsetting them than risk losing his daughter. He seems to be focusing mainly on his daughter, sort of trying to make up for all those lost years, and he sort of expects us to be standing on the sidelines cheering him on.
I do really like the daughter. She seems to be a very sweet girl. I go through phases where I am really glad that they reunited and at times I wish he'd never answered the email. I guess this is normal, considering I have been with my husband over 30 years and she was never in our life, however, I did, as well as, our sons always know about her.
I am so glad that I found this site. Sometimes I question my feelings, like whether or not I have a right to be angry or upset, or sometimes just totally overreacting. The responses I receive I take to heart and help me to look at things from anothers prospective.
First of all let me say the fact that you are posting here trying to understand things is a testament to you willingness to try to do the right thing.
I am adopted. But my mother and father married each other so it's a bit different. However from the other side of the coin there are similarities.
My mother for whatever reason likely shame didn't tell my brothers about my existence so she feels some need to protect them from me. She also feels a need to protect my father from the emotions.
If I were you I would try to talk to your husband and certainly suggest regarding the Thanksgiving issue he would talk to his daughter and be very frank about the dilemma regarding your son who is in the military.
I would certainly understand that you want to be home for him. I think that's not only the right thing to do but in no way would I feel it was a slight to me.
I can see why you would want to be home for this and not visiting someone you could visit any other time.
Why not have a Thanksgiving dinner on another day or just get together. Her availability would be much more flexible.
I agree with you that there is not enough information on any of these forums for those of us who are supporting a significant other through a reunion. They talk about the reunion being a roller-coaster of emotions for the adopted child and birth parents...but I feel like I am on my own roller-coaster.
My SO's 35-year-old daughter contacted him about 5 weeks ago. Although I knew about her, he didn't talk about it and we hadn't discussed any plan to search for her. He normally keeps his emotions to himself- but that has all changed with her. Now we must be in what I have seen termed as the 'honeymoon' phase. I would say obsessed. He texts, emails, and calls her every day.
Realizing what a struggle this has been for him- I know how wonderful it is that she is in our lives. If for no other reason that he has been able to take off the heavy burden of this secret that he has been carrying around. Only his parents, one friend, one of five siblings, and I knew. His son and other siblings did not know until recently. He still has some people to tell.
I can echo the same thoughts expressed in other postings. I want to be supportive but I am nervous for our family. I want to get to know her but I don't know her yet and, until I do, I am going to be cautious. He is not exhibiting any caution. He is trying to understand why I am being cautious but he cannot- because he is blinded by the fairytale that he has created in his mind.
I understand that he has this terrible need to reunite with her. I have no problem with them having a long-lasting relationship. I just wish he could slow down a little. And I wish it were more of 'us' getting to know her instead of just the two of them. We will meet her in person in early January- he and I and his son together. He is already planning other trips to see her for later this year. How will this fit into the plans we had before?
And I feel like he has unresolved feelings about the adoption and the birth mother. That he is going to try to substitute a relationship with his daughter to try to heal his leftover feelings from that part of his life.
He thinks he is the only one to have experienced this and won't reach out for any support or read anything about other's experiences with reunions. I want to warn him about genetic attraction but he would be so angry with me if I brought it up. But given how fast they are moving and how much he loved her mother (30 years ago...) I could see how the strong emotions turn into attraction.
I want to suggest counseling but he isn't too keen on it and thinks that this is 'my' issue.
Thanks for starting this thread and giving me an opportunity to express some thoughts.
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My husband was only 17 when his first wife got pregnant. They married because of the pregnancy, but it didn't last a year. His ex hadn't been mentioned a handful of times in the 30 years we have been together. Since the communication began almost a year ago, her name is brought up frequently. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me somewhat, but most of what is said about her is negative and thats from both sides.
As far as the holidays go from here on out, we will be having them at home. Never do I want my boys to feel like they are less important. Everyone is welcome, but they will be celebrated at our home.
I will say that as time goes on, the communication dwindles some. Thursday night was their phone call night. Now, it has gotten to be like every two weeks. After awhile, with all that talking they are starting to run out of stuff to say.
This has been an experience and I'm always interested in what others who are in a similar situation are going thru.