Open Adoption- Relationship Issues (long!sorry!)

Hello, all! Thank you for reading- I am in desperate need of support. & perhaps its not so much about the relationship with the aparents as it is about me coming to regret my decision in general. Anyway, Bmom to a gorgeous 5 1/2 month old baby girl, here. Our adoption is open, with the aparents willing to be 'as open as we wish' (I should mention that I am still with bdad; we were broken up for close to 2 months after I learned I was pregnant, but became close again while choosing the adoptive family). In fact, before the birth, they seemed to want a level of closeness I really was not comfortable with (phone calls several times a week, if not everyday, a visit or activity with them & their other [adopted] daughter several times a month. All of this closeness was terrifying to me, particularly as I remained uncertain about my choice to place. At any rate, clearly I ended up proceeding with the adoption :( . TPR was on July 9. I have seen T several times before & since then. The best birthday present I ever could have hoped for was getting to spend several glorious hours with T & her family in a beautiful park-- it rained, but do you think I cared one bit? Let it pour, as long as I can hold or even just lay my eyes on that beautiful creature! Before I get into the issues I am having with the open adoption relationship, I feel I should mention that I really do believe that these are wonderful, wonderful people who have already had experience with, & were able to live up to, an OA agreement. We were shown dozens of binders (*you* know what I mean-- I hate those **** things! & while I realize that there has to be some way to introduce us to PAP, those **** binders just rang so false to me, much of the time. Often they contained more stickers & pictures than facts about who the people really were&why they wanted to adopt), and just when I was feeling really hopeless, i opened the last binder (from T's Afolk's) & immediately felt that these were the people. Bdad independently came to the same realization :) So these are wonderful people whom I do not mean to 'throw under the bus', as they are so fond of saying on reality TV, lol. SO! Up until about 2 1/2 weeks ago, any time I felt a need to reach out & text them (checking in on T, letting them know when she was esp. missed, sending my love, & just generally attempting to strengthen what is now, with the exception of my own parents&partner, the most important relationship in my life!), there was an immediate reply, most every time with a picture of what they were doing at the moment. Before I go on, I cannot even tell you what this means to me& how truly blessed I feel. I cannot even imagine what it is like to have a closed adoption (at least when the mother wishes it were more open- I know that keeping it closed or semi-open is sometimes the mom's choice so she can attempt to get some sense of closure or finality). Now the issues. I know it has only been 2 1/2 weeks & is perhaps too soon to be concerned that something is changing & that they may not want things to be as open as they were. BUT! I always send a text on sundays, in addition to any other contact we have during the week. My texts have all gone unanswered in these 2 1/2 weeks. So have my emails, one of which was quite lengthy & in which I asked many questions about how little T's health is faring, how her OT & PT are doing, & specifically, more information about exactly what her problems were & why they might have been caused. I know that it is not because the amom hasnt been online, because numerous times throughout this period she has gone online to post pictures. & this is were I really start to hurt, whether it was justified or not. T was baptized at the end of last month. We were invited & delighted to come! :) I was extremely nervous about meeting her extended a fam & friends- would they judge me? would it feel awkward? NOPE! Everyone was as open & welcoming as aparents had initially been (& even more wonderful to see, they were all completely in love wit T, too :)). For a gift, I decided I wanted to share some of our family traditions. I gave her an oversized wooden rosary like my grandparents had given every one of their nearly 50 grandkids. & I also decided I wanted her to have a quilt made just for her-- my grandmother also handmade quilts for every grand&great-grand baby! & I gave T that same grandmother's name, so I thought, all around, a wonderful idea. I picked a pattern, all the fabric, & decided that the hearts in the middle of each patch on the quilt could be made with old clothes of mine & bdad. Bdad's mother even drove from a few hours away to help us assemble it. I wish I could share a picture- besides TE, the most beautiful thing i ever made! :love: On the back, which was solid, we sewed an enormous heart, and also in the corner a panel with iron on transfers of pictures of her bdad & I with her. Then we signed it & I wrote "you are always in our hearts". It was such a comfort to me that I could give her a tangable reminder of our love that she could literally wrap herself in! :) I also spent several days handmaking a card for her. God, I realize this is getting absurdly long, please stay with me! lol The baptism was beautiful, & seeing T...it was indescribable!! I kept hoping no one was looking at me (and they weren't, of course, lol) because I couldnt control my face & it was twitching as my mind tried to decide whether to laugh or cry! I felt higher than I have ever been in my life, which is rather a lot coming from a recovering heroin addict. I felt pure bliss, & I was so proud that I made such a beautiful child whom was so loved by so many people. We went to aparents home afterwards for a party, but had to leave after a very short time because even though we had asked off a month in advance, we had to go into work that day. I sent them a text & then a card thanking them for letting us be a part of that special day. amom said of course, np. nothing about the quilt until that night when she said "oh its beautiful! i dont know if i should let her have it though-will just hang it on the wall for now!". I have to admit I was somewhat hurt, but proud that amom loved it so& thought it was a special enough object to protect from a (messy!lol) baby. Ok, fine. Then I wait for the pictures of the baptism day to come online. They are posted almost immediately, & boy did she look gorgeous! More importantly, she looked widly happy, & was surrounded by loving, interested people. & I realize that is what this is all about. Its not about me or my feelings, its about that little miracle having *her* needs met, having everything *she* deserves, and that is certainly the case with her afolks. But at the same time, I dont think I'm a nobody(or am at least working very hard to overcome my lifelong belief that I am a nobody)! & it hurt me that there were pictures of the cake, pictures of the dog, pictures of other presents, but no picture of the quilt. Until their other daughters bmom came to visit from out of town- when about 2 dozen pictures of her playing with her daughter & my daughters quilt. wrapping her up in it, playing hide and seek, rolling her up in it. but still no pic of T with the quilt, or the quilt in her room, or anything mentioning that these dozens of pics of her playing with the quilt that T's bp made. I realize I am rambling. I realize I am being petty, & selfish & probably stupid. But this hurt/hurts me so bad. It feels like a slap, no, an f'n punch in the gut. I have talked with T's sissy's bmom before. She is a nice girl, & I am certian if she knew that it would have hurt me, that she would not have done it. GAHHHHH, Idk. I just. need. to. VENT! I still havent had my emails or texts answered. & I feel I should mention that I will be clean & sober for 2 years on thanksgiving, so it is not as If i am an active user or anything. I am in counseling & on meds for my mental illness(s). I feel that i have been 100% respectful, have not tried to push any boundaries & have been really amazing considering all the pain that I am in & the trouble I have controling my impulses. I just dont understand what is going on, & I feel hurt & betrayed (not so much about the quilt thing as the lack of communication in general lately). I realize I will have to get used to seeing things that I dont understand or like being done with my daughter or the things that I give her (objects as well behaviors& personality traits). If anyone has stuck with this & read it all-- I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. Last night was very, very hard. I found these forums yesterday afternoon & stayed up until about 5 am reading about adoptive parents who hate the children they recieved & cant even stand to look at them, who hate their bparents, esp ones like me. from adoptees who want nothing to do with their bparents....I am feeling pretty hopeless right now. I want to be someone T can be proud of, & I am proud of myself & the progress I am making on the very long, hard journey that has been my life, but I dont want her aparents telling her I am an evil person who "took bad medicine when you were in her tummy even though she knew it could hurt you". This is probably the biggest issue I face, & I realize that the shame & guilt is most likely entirely mine, but I worry what they think about the fact that I was on many meds durings my pregnancy. Or that I smoked while I didnt know I was pregnant. Everytime I bring this up to the aparents (which i try to refrain from doing & have only mentioned a few times, with no response from the aparents, which i take to mean 'i am not saying anything for fear of the nasty things i really think about you'. i have no reason to believe this is really true other than my gut, though. You know what? I gotta stop. lol. Gonna stop here. Any thoughts or similar experiences, please?! Thank you again for reading. I hope you are all well out there, & if i can ever help or offer any support, please let me know!:hippie: