Possible bio dad reached out to me?! (this is long)

December 13, 2012

My husband and I are finalizing my daughter's adoption later this month (has been rescheduled twice now :( ) Long story but here goes: My daughter was born to a cousin by marriage, My cousin didn't want to give up her freedom and no one stepped up father wise. After my cousin put my daughter in some very bad situations and her neglect was brought to the attention of CPS, my daughter was taken and placed in her grandparents custody, a few weeks later, my cousin asked us to adopt her. We had cared for my daughter for weeks and weeks at a time from the time my daughter was 6 weeks old. My daughter was 5 months old at the time we were asked to adopt and we got custody of her through CPS that month.

I have an open relationship with my daughter's bmom we had always had a good relationship but it was severely damaged when she made a lot .. and I mean a lot of bad choices concerning my daughter. I do still love her though and I am there for her whenever she needs me. She is in a bad spot in her life, currently pregnant again (CPS already involved!) and with a very abusive drug addicted boyfriend, No job, no home, bounces around anyplace she can sleep. I talk to her weekly and we are facebook friends so she can see pictures of my daughter and get updates. (of course she shares every picture I post and talks about how "momma's baby girl is growing up!" although my daughter doesn't even know her) ANYWAYS I try to keep things open with her for my daughter, because one day, she will want to know and I want to be able to have the answers to all her questions...

Well up until about a week ago, my daughter had never had a possible birth father step forward. One had been named, but he wasn't the one that birth mom had originally named, so we figured it was any ones guess. So about a week ago, my daughter's possible bdad reached out to me on facebook and said that he wanted to see my daughter and be a dad now. Looking at his pictures and his other child's pictures, I KNOW that this is my daughter's bdad. HOWEVER. My first thought was, you have had 15 months to be a "dad" but where were you when she needed you? My daughter has a dad and it's my husband, the only man who ever fought for her well being from day one!! Him messaging me, literally made me sick. The more I looked through his pictures though and seen all the pictures of his other child (who is about a year or two older than my daughter) the more I have racked my brain trying to decide if I should give this ahole the privilege of being a part of my Princess' life?! This is the "other half".. I am so torn on what to do. If he had had a relationship with my daughter or even attempted to before we got her, It would be different, but he didn't.

This guy kept telling me how he has changed and blah blah blah. But my daughter is already going to have issues with trust and abandonment, she already has one bio parent who is completely selfish to her own desires... Is it the right thing to add another person like that into her life? My husband says we should tell him that if he wants to be apart of her life, then he needs to pay for a paternity test and if its positive we may agree but will do so on our terms and very slowly. He thinks that he is just now coming around because he knows the adoption is almost final and he wont have to pay any child support. who knows. I am just so lost and I need advice from those who have walked my path. :confused:

Kat-L

December 14, 2012

In order for you to finalize, the court had to TPR both parents-including the unknown dad. So, for this guy, it's too little, too late. He probably called CPS and was told there was nothing they could do as his rights were terminated.

You don't 'owe' him anything. Unlike you're cousin, he's not a relative. And people do "change". Sometimes for the better-sometimes for the worse.

I would save his name and all the pictures so your daughter has them when she's older. Then I would fix my Facebook settings so only YOUR friends can view your page (not friends of friends-which is the normal setting). Then, tell your cousin, you don't feel comfortable with her sharing pictures of the baby. Please don't post them on your Facebook page. Tell her why. Tell her you don't want contact with bio dad at this time in your life. Let her know that, if she continues to post pictures of the baby, you'll be forced to defriend her.

Then, just ignore biodad. Save any messages that have identifying or important info that your daughter might want some day. Just do a "cut & paste" onto a blank WORD document.

Don't answer the biodad's message. Just use the Facebook feature to "block" him. He'll give up if he doesn't get a response. If you respond, he'll continue messaging you until he gets what he wants. Just ignore the message and block him (after saving pictures)

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Kat-L

December 14, 2012

I wanted to add: When I first found my younger daughter's mom on myspace, I wasn't sure if I wanted contact. I looked through pictures. I wasn't sure I wanted to open that can of worms. I didn't know what would happen or if she still used drugs..etc. I saved photos of relatives so H would have them. One day, I sent her a message and told her I had pictures of H if she wanted to see them. She said "Thank you" and wasn't really intrusive. When I told her Angel died, she gave me her phone number and told me I could call her if I ever wanted to talk. She told me she would be praying for us and thinking of the girls (even though my older child isn't her's). I was touched that she would include M-K. I think it showed a level of maturity. I sent her a friend request on Facebook. We actually have a good relationship (in my mind anyway). She comments on H's photos but she doesn't post messages on my wall. I get to see her other kids and family and was able to show those pictures to Hanna. When her biomom had a birthday this year, Hanna asked to call her, so I sent an IM to biomom and she said "yes". Hanna talked to her for about 3 minutes or so. She hasn't asked to call again and biomom never mentioned to me about calling Hanna. She has my number but doesn't call me or text me. Once in a while, I'll text her a cute picture of Hanna that I captured with my phone.

I'm glad I reached out to biomom. It appears that she did change. But she doesn't try to be a "Mom" to H.

I think, in your case, biodad thinks he can be a "Dad" to this child. Maybe you should message him back and tell him that the child isn't his anymore. Once the court terminates your rights and the child is adopted, you can't be the dad. She has a new dad. Let him know that you have his info and you'll contact him in the future if it's appropriate. Give it a couple years then try again.

CaddoRose

December 14, 2012

I agree with the paternity test. That would answer the big question right off the bat. If he is the father, then the next step is to determine what type of contact you are willing to have. I'll all for contact IF it is good for the child and the parents. You really need to decide how much contact you want to give this person if he is the bio. I would suggest that you look at offering pics 2 times a year and a personal update(as opposed to any info he gets through bio Mom). This is the foundation on which you could build a relationship with him so that in the future(way in the future) you might be able to let your DD meet him. You can put any restrictions on his use of the pics that you want to. This gives him the ability to show you he has changed and can follow your rules. There's no reason to poen it all up where you are having visits and all that right now. Go slow.

sunshinemomma

December 16, 2012

I agree with your hubby and Caddo...get the paternity test done and then take it slowly. If he is parenting or co-parenting your DD's sibling you may want contact with them.

We opened our DD's odoption to her Bio Dad and we now have a beautiful family relationship with him and our DD's sister and his extended family {Grampa etc}. We went slowly and built trust and a relationship with him over time.

We are very grateful that we chose to do so.

AMom2011

December 16, 2012

I would wait until after the adoption to make any decision ...but that's me.

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Cris89

December 17, 2012

Thank you all for the feed back. I wrote him back before I made this original post. I told him that we were going to get passed the holidays and then I would contact him and discuss things further. My husband and I have decided though that after the holidays (and our finalization hearing that's next week) we will tell him the first step is getting a paternity test done, paid for and set up by him. If it comes back that he is the bio father, we may decide to just send updates and a pic every so often. I have to way to know if he has changed or not, his other child lives in a completely different state. But it all goes back to, he should have been there for her to begin with. Maybe I'm just bitter about the bio parents right now because of the situation. I just don't find it acceptable to pop in and out of my daughters life when its convenient for them. She is human being... Not some.. puppy dog or something.

ranoutofnames

December 17, 2012

Personally I would like to suggest you get legal advice from your attorney taking care of the adoption. How scary it would be for you and your family to be in a situation like some other adoptive parents who assumed all TPR paperwork was done correctly only to later find out the bio dad has a legal standing in the courts because he made contact and tried to be a part of the child's life but was denied. One of those "Life Time" movies in the making.