RAD- Stealing at School

wow those sure do not sound like normal behavior.I wonder what the shcool thinks improper behavior is? Maybe get her a clear backpack for school?

Sge had a clear backpack and was still hiding things in it. So, now she won't have any backpack.

I am shocked they find this stuff normal!!! Is homeschooling or an alternative school an option? It doesn't sound like the current school is at all supportive of the underlying issues and need for consequences! Nancy Thomas has a great video that you can request teachers watch. We used that when my daughter was still in public school.

But it's your job discipline her, when she does something wrong at school. Schools can't do much, But give her detection or suspend her. That's really nothing. Also, if she has rads and she's giving u this much trouble I would be concerned about adopting her.

Thanks for the video tip, I'll take a look at it! Some of the teachers agree, others think she just has ADHD (even though I explained that RAD can mimic ADHD and explained that she does not behave that way all the time). I think another issue is the teachers are too busy to enforce the rules all the time, or they hope a million warnings will finally sink in.... We can't homeschool, unfortunately, because she's still in foster care and my husband and I both work- I think that would be and option, but then it could just turn into a control battle...

Well, then I'm glad you're not adopting her! :prop: She does have RAD and it's definitely been a battle. She's shown tremendous improvement in the past year, and really WANTS to work in her life (still working on executing that). Also, she isn't giving ME that much trouble anymore, now it's the school. She has seen that the adults are 100% in charge at home, so she's acting out at school. We stopped disciplining for what occurs at school at the therapist 's recommendations... our STBAD was using school to control and push us away (we would spend hours and hours each night worling on getting her caught up on classwork she didn't complete, or disciplining for being rude to the teacher, etc). Now, we spend our evenings bonding and hope the school will eventually follow through. She's already failing one class, but I'm letting that be her problem, if STBAD doesn't pull it together then she can retake that class. If I had to choose, I'd rather work toward her attachment than get her on the honor roll.

I've found that some schools are terrible about discipline - they are too busy or too lazy and tend to minimize behavior. For my DD, who has sticky fingers, I go through her backpack each night (they require her to have a backpack) and turn her pockets out as well. Things that come home which do not belong to her ... we require her to 'make amends' by writing a letter saying that what she did was wrong and naming it as STEALING (she is only 6, so writing is a consequence for her). She is then required to return it to the person. We ask only that the school not say "it's ok" or "it was a mistake" because it is NOT. I'd get at least one person (teacher, AP, principal) on board who will be able to accept the stolen item(s) and give a stern face at the least. Good luck!!!

But thats your job to discipline, when she's bad in school. I'm not getting why your theripist would encourage u, to allow her to be bad at school. If she got caught stealing at a friends house, Would you discipline? Ofcourse you should. It's your responsibility to make sure she does her school work, so she passes school, make something of her life. Also she might be okay at home, but why would she continue, if u allow her to be bad at schooL, you do nothing about it? Also, she may have a learning problem, so that might be a reason she's not completing her work. Is her theripist trained in rads? The behavior will get worse if you do nothing about it. The most schools do is detection or suspended, that's not much discipline to,especially the suspension part. You need to make clear rules, if she gets caught stealing and breaking rules, there will be consequences.

This is actually very common advice from therapists that work with RAD children. What happens at school stays at school. Our therapist also encourages that children not bring home homework. That way, the child cannot triangulate. The family is there to work on the child being part of the family. That is where the healing comes from. I'm not saying that I agree with this 100%, but it is very common advice from RAD therapists.

Thanks, sounds about what we have been doing... If I can get this assistant principal to believe that this is RAD behavior, not "normal" behavior, we'll be good to go... and then they're just too busy :(

We were disciplining for school for a long time, but as I stated before, it started taking up OUR ENTIRE WEEK at home.. literally. So instead of attaching to us, STBAD was using school to push us away. One weekend we spend the ENTIRE WEEKEND helping her catch up on her science CLASSWORK... it was all completed and awesome by the end of the weekend... and you know what she did?! She went to school and THREW IT IN THE TRASH! She could have just turned it and gotten an A! Same with the behavior stuff, I would punish her, she'd do it again, and again, and again at school. So fine, we had to set aside our dreams of her getting good grades and making friends, etc, and took the therapist's recommendations (yes a RAD therapist) and told her we aren't enforcing homework any more or school behavior. What happens at school, stays at school, and I believe the school should deal with it. Now, her behavior has improved at home, and she is starting to attach. She will never make anything of her life anyway if she isn't attached. I'd rather her flunk school and work some low paying job, than end up in prison because she lacks a conscience. I understand it's strange concept, it was really difficult for us to let go of the school stuff. But now it's great! It teaches her to be responsible on her own. If she doesn't do the work, she fails and can do it all over again. Back to my OP, my STBAD paid me back for the stolen items (she has to pay back double for stolen items, and needed to borrow money from me to pay these kids and teachers back), and I am now requiring her to earn a "damage deposit" of $50, so that the next time she steals something, she won't need to borrow my money. I'm hoping the motivator of have $50 that she can spend if she doesn't steal will help....

When a child has RAD, the parent cannot discipline for every infraction at school. These children use school to push the parents away. It is not our job as a parent to discipline for misbehavior at school, just as it is not the school's job to discipline for misbehavior at home. A parent's job is to provide our child with opportunities to succeed. That means different things for different kids. It is by far more vital to focus on attachment in the home than education. Which would you rather have - a well education sociopath or a healthy attached less educated adult? Attachment is paramount.In answer to your question - schools do not give the consequences that we would like. My daughter had trouble with stealing at school and they called it borrowing and did nothing. So frustrating. And back to the RAD subject - if you discipline and they do not, that causes triangulation. They look like the good guys and the parents look like the bad guys. That is ok with healthy kids, but RAD kids jump all over that and use it to push the parents away. Don't give the child that ability.My daughter had a clear backpack. I also sewed all her pockets closed. She still stole stuff. I consequenced her when she stole from home. Its a tough situation. I agree - leave school issues at school.

You should PM I have an adopted 11 yr old daughter with RAD And SO much of that is familiar- the behaviors. Both at home and at school... It can get exhausting but my daughters school has been amazing. For her behaviors, they make her have a list of the work and get it marked off by her teachers daily and check in with the principle each day. If she does NOT have all the assignments done, then they make her stay DAILY after school detention so she can get her work done and get held accountable. For behaviors, they make her go to Saturday School, and/or after school detention.