Needing support

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex-girlfriend and I split because I realized that I had issues related to my adoption that surfaced during my previous relationship and carried over and was magnified during this last one. I tried to explain to her that I understand that I have unresolved abandonment issues and all she can say is "you keep focusing on your adoption...". I don't expect her to fully understand where I'm coming from but I don't think comments like that are very supportive. A couple things that come to mind as far as your husband is concerned is that he sees you in pain and may want to protect or shield you from any further pain that this journey will bring upon you. Also, being Mr. Fix-it as all males are, he wants to fix this "problem" for you but doesn't now how and may feel helpless and thus can't understand why anyone would put themselves through something he doesn't have a solution for. My advice, if you want it, is find someone, anyone who will listen objectively and not judge you. The last thing you need right now is someone to make you doubt who you are and what you are feeling. If your husband cares anything about you, he will want to understand - he'll do research on his own, he'll ask you questions, get involved, try and walk in your shoes for a bit and stand beside you not in front or behind you during this. It's not going to be easy, but be strong and blaze your own path through this fog. If he loves you, he'll shine a light for you as you do. If not, don't leave him but find someone else that will. That alone may inspire him to be more supportive in your efforts.

Thank you for your thoughts. I've been trying a little everyday to bring up something related to the topic and get his thoughts on the matter. As you had said, he doesn't know why I'm wanting to go through with this search and doesn't like how it makes me sad. However, he does say he is trying to be supportive but doesn't know how else to be besides leaving me alone to do this. But I think he's beginning to see how important this is to me. Now the other fun part is, now that I'm beginning to ask for more information and feel prepared for what is in my records, now my parents have decided I'm not ready and I need to really think about what is in my records. I've thought about the risks of what I will find but also feel I am strong enough (with support) that I will make it through this time and come out maybe a stronger person. Thoughts/advice how to make my parents understand that I (being the adoptee) am the only person who will really know if I'm ready or not to continue this search. Thanks in advance.

On what basis are they making that determination? What exactly do they propose that you "need to" think about that you haven't already? Do you have all the non-identifying info that the agency provided to your parents? Do you (or they) have any ideas about what you might find, or have your records been completely sealed up until this point? Some people have more info than others, and I don't know how much you have in your case. I have to ask this because how much can you really "think about what's in your records" if you don't know what's in them? If you've gone over the possibilities and other things that people have found, that's about all you can do... until you actually get yours and end the guessing and second-guessing with something solid. FWIW, the adoption agency I went through had someone talk with me for maybe a half hour on the phone -- at no cost -- about the kinds of things various adoptees have found (and which I just might find) when their records were opened. The agency you were placed with might do the same for you if you are concerned about it. You have it right. You're an adult. The only person who you really need to consult to determine if you are ready is yourself. I suspect that your parents' concerns are reflecting their own anxiety... perhaps they are the ones who don't feel ready. I think it's normal for a-parents to feel anxiety when their child searches; mine did, but we made it through just fine. Perhaps reassuring them will help. Perhaps you could get help or support for them if they still feel anxious. If you delay for your parents' sake, I suggest not delaying too long. Time is life.

My parents have all of the adoption records and had reviewed them again a few nights ago. Since then my a-parents (especially my a-mom) has been crying. Because of how disturbing the information is, I think they want me to "think about" how much this will affect me. As with other adoptee's, I have dealt with depression in the past and continue to work on other issues. However, I don't look at any of this as something that will hold me back, and change who I am. As you had said, I'm the only person who will really know how ready I am and how far I want to search for more information. Unfortunately, unless I can come up with reasons why I want to go down this path that will be acceptable to my a-parents, they refuse to send my adoptive records and had said if I don't follow their plan, I can find another way to get my records. I would hate to go about that way as I think it could cause stress on our relationship, but don't think I need to follow someone else's rules to find more about my own life background. I may try to see what agency I was with and talk with them as you (Sitta) had also mentioned. Although I believe I've done what I need to in order to prepare for the next step, I would be interested in what the agency may have to say. Thank you for your advice. Nice to talk with other adoptee's who can actually relate to what I'm thinking and going through.

Hi again k_minlam10,If your parents have all your adoption records, I'm guessing it was set up as an open adoption. You could probably get the same info yourself from the agency if it comes to that. It is your information and you have a right to it. I almost think it's worse for people to not tell someone something while giving the reason as "because it's so disturbing." That approach seems likely to set an imagination running wild. Lots of people, adopted or not, have dealt with things like depression and various issues. It's not a bad idea to make sure you have some support in place, though. Do you have a therapist now? If not, could you get one? Perhaps take your parents in for a joint session -- or perhaps encourage them to get therapy themselves. It may help to let them know you have a support network of some kind, whether a therapist, good friends, this forum here, or whatever you know from your past experience would best help you. It doesn't. Your origins aren't you. They matter, yes, but it is not like who you are will suddenly change. I can tell you from experience that some info that it's possible to receive can be shocking and disturbing. I encountered that with my own search and know that others have encountered different difficult info. If you look through the various threads on this forum you'll see some of the things people can end up finding out and how they deal with it. I understand your reluctance to try to find the info another way, but I gotta say, if they do that it seems to me that they would be the ones causing the stress and not you. Again, it's your info. You have a right to it. You don't need to have a reason to want it other than that you want it. Another thing to keep in mind... I found that the info I got from the adoption agency was not entirely accurate. Finding my first-mother, first-father and other first-relatives and getting info directly from them was much more informative, and far more preferable IMO even during those times when the news was difficult. So what I'm saying is that there is a chance the info your a-parents have for you might not be entirely accurate to begin with. It couldn't hurt. You could ask them how to go about getting your info at the same time, for your future reference should you need it.

K_minlam10, is there any way you could get a family counselor involved? Someone who has experience with search/reunion and the insecurities that may come to the surface? If you contact the adoption agency that your a-parents worked with they should be able to recommend someone. Search and (possible) reunion brings a lot of insecurities to the surface for everyone in the adoption triad and the people that love them. My own reunion experiences nearly squashed my relationship with my boyfriend of 8 years. (Yeah, that's 8 years as bf/gf, not married, I know. Adoptee commitment issues? maybe? lol) It can be like talking in a foreign language trying to explain your emotions/motivations to find your origin story to someone who has no experience with adoption. I find that many of the tears I shed during my reunion experiences were more from tension/ release of emotion than actual *sadness*. I don't know if that explanation would help your husband understand where you are coming from, or just confuse things more, though! BUT, at the end of the day, that's why I would recommend, if it is possible, to find a counselor/therapist to help you and your family through this. It feels like your family is forcing you to be 'against them' in your search, and it might help to have someone involved who could be a little bit more on your team. If, as your parents insinuate, your origin story is full of shadows, it might help to have already established a relationship with a counselor to help you unpack it, as well. Good luck. Remember, it is *your* story, not anyone else's, and you have a right to know.

Sitta,That is exactly how I feel. I've spoke with different therapists in the past, and granted when I was younger I had a different view on this topic as a whole. But as I grow older it has become more important that I go through this before the possibility of having children of my own. I do have a support group in progress and feel that while I go through this journey, my friends, family, etc will be there as I need. However, until I actually start going through the paperwork and seeing a "hard copy" of what went on pre-adoption, there is not much else I can do to "prepare" myself. I've been going through this for many years and have only recently really taken this as an important part of my life that I need to fulfill. My husband has started to understand some of how I am wanting to go through this, he was happy I found this forum with other people who've also gone through similar paths as I. Snowwhite4965- yes there are some therapists/counselors in Missouri I can speak with if needed. I do believe my parents should strongly consider seeing a counselor as well since they seem to also be having difficulty going through my files. I've told them that this has nothing to do with them being my family, that I love them, etc. However, as an adoptee, I feel as though I grew up in a loving family but have this "void space" that is needing to be filled.I do not believe that by my searching will this information fill this emptiness and make life better; but I do believe it will help answer questions that no one can really answer and that I cannot put into words.As always, thank you for helping me get a better perspective on how to deal with my a-parents/family. Always appreciated.

Sorry-- I meant a counselor that you could all go to as a group, as an impartial third party who might be able to help your parents better understand where you are coming from.

Sowwite4965-The difficult part about that is I live in Mo and my parents are in Wyoming. Unless we schedule some sort of conference call or one of us does the traveling, it is hard to all meet with the same therapists. But I may go ahead an suggest some options, that may help them feel more comfortable about this situation. Thank you as always.

The distance is an issue, but a conference call with a therapist could still be really helpful. Snowwhite's suggestion is a good one. Keep us posted.

The fact that your adoptive parents seem protective is understandable but no less frustrating I am sure. I have no idea why "protecting" someone from the truth about the situation outweighs your need to know. People who don't live in our shoes don't have a clue how frustrating this can be. I would calmly state that you have support and you need to know. You say they have a "plan". What is their plan? I would ask that. I think that preparing yourself for the impact of finding out the truth is wise. That can happen in many ways. But you can't really know how the information will impact you until you know what you are dealing with. I would ask some probing questions first. "Are they alive & Was I removed due to risk to me?" Those are fairly vague and will help you prepare to find the kind of support you need? Maybe if they feel you are cautious and protecting yourself with some reassurance that you will certainly keep them informed they might be willing; rather than feeling like they have to send you all the information or share it at once.

I think this is really a key issue. An excerpt of a book I read somewhere gave an example of how telling "partial truths" to an adoptee can cause them to guess and "fill in the blanks" with stuff that is not only wrong, but which might be even interpreted worse by them than the real situation. I understand telling minor children things like this slowly in an age-appropriate way, but I don't like the idea of playing games to get one's info as an adult.