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This is my first post here....I am hoping to find somewhere I can be understood, as I am dealing with this alone at present...there are no adoption support groups in my area.
I always thought I was fine with being adopted...I was raised by a wonderful family and never knew any different although i always knew i was adopted. I had a wonderful childhood, and a great start in life. During my teen years i became lonely and began to feel like i wasn;t close to my family....i became much closer to my friends and to this day i only ever confide in friends...not my family. We have very little in common, even though i love them to bits.
A couple months ago i figured out that being adopted may be the cause of my lonliness....i could never understand why i felt so bad despite having such a wonderful life...i think i finally found the answer. So i searched for my birth mum...and was very lucky. I found her in 4 days and she was delighted. She came to see me when i got home (i had been away at the time of searching), so within 2 months we had met. This was last week. It went great!
However...i think major grief has kicked in. When i was sitting by her on our couch, I felt like i belonged for the first time in my life. I love her so much. We look alike an have all the same mannerisms...and she is so strong and courageous which I am not, and this has stopped me from acheiveing very much. Would I be stronger and more successful if she had raised me? She moved to the USA 10 years ago and has a wonderful husband and 2 georgous boys ages 7 and 9. Now I am greiving terribly for the family that I am not a part of. I am so envious of my brothers ...being raised by her.
It's killing me that I only saw her for one day...now we are 1000s of miles away...I live in the UK. She has invited me to see her in January over in Ohio and she insists on paying which is amazing of her....and i know there is still chance that I could fit it with them and become close. But theres also the chance i wont.
Today is Christmas day and I am just lying on my bed in tears, imagining that wnderful family enjoying opening their presents, the boys getting all excited...laughing and playing. I feel like I was denied the chance to be a part of that, like i was kicked out and bannished to this family. I know that's not really true.....she had me 14 years before she had the boys, when she was just 17 and we would not have lives like we do now if she had kept me....but i still so much that i could just magic myself into her family now. And i feel so guilty for feeling like this, because my adopted family really are lovely.
xxxxxx
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Avalonia, Hugs first of all. What you are feeling is pretty normal - especially if you never went through stages of wondering as a child - you are getting the full-force of grief now in one fell swoop. You can't change the past and once the grief is a little less raw, you will also start to add in the thought process of - if I wasn't adopted I would never have known my other family because that is the truth as well. You say your mother is courageous - perhaps she wasn't when she was your age, but through her experiences - which one of them is loosing you - she grew stronger - perhaps this is the stage where you too grow stronger. Get out of bed and get out of the house. Go to church if that appeals to you - go for a walk - go see the Christmas lights - fresh air helps. Or find a comic movie to watch, call a friend, call your family - call both your families. Do something today. Focus on the future and how much bigger your family just became. Kind regards,Dickons
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avalonia,
All of the what ifs are difficult. It's true that we would have had different lives if we had been raised by our biological mothers. But, we can never really know how they would have been different.
If my math is correct, you're still very young. You're at a time in your life when many people lack the confidence to be strong and courageous. You'll get there. You just need to grow into yourself. And, now, with knowing more about your origins, it may be easier for you do it.
It's natural to grieve the loss of our families of origin. That doesn't mean that you love your adoptive family any less than you did before.
I wasn't adopted, but I'm from a dysfunctional family and grieve the nice times that other families had and mine didn't, especially around the holidays. The whole time that I was growing up I wanted a different family. As soon as I turned eighteen, I started spending holidays mainly with friends and I have nothing in common with the small number of family members that I have left, but I do still have my close friends. I'm going to adopt and create my own family, and we'll establish our own traditions and memories. Don't spend too much time wishing things had been different. Move on and make the most out of your life now.
There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely. It's normal given our circumstances. I have been posting songs on the thread my father's in ICU.
Pick up the phone and give someone a call. Just know that there are people out here going through many of the same emotions.
You know what picks me up..... thinking of that scene in Lady and the tramp where the two dogs are eating spaghetti outside the back door of the restaurant. Two little pals making the best of a bad situation.
Have your self a good cry if you need to and know there are some of us out here who hope you get through this hooplah they call Christmas okay.
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