our son is controlling. advice?

When our kid does the controlling stuff, I just put it back on her... so if she noticed a spill, "oh good eye! Go ahead and clean that up! Thanks honey!". I do nor ignore these behaviors or they just seem to escalate or become more frequent. Sometimes they just need to be reminded who the boss is in a loving but firm way... even if its an hourly reminder :grr:

ugh...feeling your pain! Our little control freak dominators have been with us four years. It HAS gotten better. I used to have to use a timer just to get a 10 minute break ;) And, yes, holidays and bdays are much worse. My kids know by now that we do not tolerate being bossed around. They get one warning and then go directly to their room (or a time out in public). Others think we are harsh, but it is the only way for us to stay sane. There aren't any easy fixes. I used to feel guilty excluding them from things, not anymore. They are ALWAYS given a chance to be included, but often their need for control outweighs their desire to participate. Not my problem. Today their little sister turned 5. My 9 yr old started trying to dominate the bday party by bossing the grandparents around, telling me when we were doing what (she does this by asking questions...retorical ones) and talking really loudly over someone else. Or she does things like shoving the presents in my face to let me know she thinks it's time to open gifts or pushing the cup of tokens in front of me to let me know she wants more tokens and then acting confused. She also turns down food and drinks until it is not time to eat and drink anymore. Then she refused to sing happy birthday (presumably because I did not give in to opening gifts when she saw fit) It has taken me a LONG time to get to a place where these things don't bother me. I can ignore much better now. It is THEIR issue. I had a blast at my 5 yr olds party today and my 9 year old ended up loosing the last of her game tokens and sitting with grandma the last 20 minutes watching the other kids play. I tell her all the time "No skin off my back, honey, you are only hurting yourself." SAD, but true. The more secure and stable they feel, the better it gets. But old habits die hard.

I highly recommend a good family therapist and probably a good trauma therapist for him. It is such a great relief to dump this on a therapist and hear him/her get the child to express heartbreaking feelings. And getting the therapist's support on your side is helpful. And hearing about how normal the child's behavior considering their past really made me feel better. One time the therapist explained to me that my controlling defiant child had chosen the best response to help her survive in the conditions she had been growing up in.I am not implying that controlling annoying behavior is okay, in fact, my daughter was really bad about blocking me from going from place to place, and it made me so upset and angry. It is a type of abuse. But instead of just feeling really angry about it, I tried to use it as a learning experience for her, explaining to her how it was abusive and how I would not put up with any abuse toward myself. That was a good message for her to hear, because she had lived with domestic violence and her birth-mother put up with abuse, my daughter did not know that there are more choices than being either the abuser or the abused.Your new son's controlling behavior probably stems from a lot of fear and insecurity. Getting him regular visits with a good therapist during the important pre-teen and early teen years is a great investment in getting him safely through the teenager years. EMDR therapy helped my daughter the most (it was our dentist that recommended it, his wife is a social worker and he'd heard good things from her about it). Also, as my daughter got older she decided to try meds and those have helped her a lot (the right ones did, the wrongs ones made things worse, but she was old enough to provide good feedback and she and the child-psychiatrist work that out now between themselves).I always tried (still do, but not needed much anymore) to communicate to my daughter that her reactions and behaviors are NORMAL, that she is not BAD, that her behaviors are what any of us would do if we'd had to survive the bad stuff she did. But that they are not behaviors that work out well when conditions are safe. I remember a year or two ago she slunk down on the floor sobbing about how bad she felt about the way she talks to me, that she doesn't want to talk that way. That was so eye-opening to me, who would have guessed the defiant obnoxiously rude girl secretly felt ashamed and bad about it?! There are a few nice YouTube videos of grown up kids from foster care that thank their new parents for having put up with them and believed in them. I find those motivational.And I found the Love and Logic parenting tapes just so helpful. I checked out the tapes over and over from the library and listened to them on my commute to work, and hearing the kind and respectful tone of voice he would use while setting boundaries was so very helpful. It was awesome to hear parenting done right, even though it still was an effort to imitate.One thing I learned from the people on these boards, was that it is okay to call 911 if your kid gets out of control. I actually did it one time, the poor girl got chased around the house by a cop and handcuffed. I can tell you, she never let herself get that out of control again!

Don't let him control you. Plain and simple. If he sees a spill, tell him to clean it up. Establish rules for video game time and stick to them. If he "can't" take out the trash because the new trash bag is not handed to him, then he needs to sit and think what he has to do about that before he can move on to the next activity (aka get the darn trash bag himself). Don't let him interrupt ("You can wait until I'm done talking to Betty or you can go to your room and I will call you when I am done talking.") On the flip side, give him choices. Let him control what he can control - "You can have X minutes of video games once you finish your chores. Your choice." "You can get this done and then go play, or you can lose your time to play. Your choice." "You can earn X by doing Y. Your choice." The talking is a personality thing and a coping mechanism, I think. He may be used to having noise around him constantly. Is he a sensory seeker? My DD chatters incessantly. Another choice: "You can talk quietly or not at all." I can't get her to shut up, and she seems to NEED to talk. Good luck!

p.s. I mean "plain and simple" as in "end of story" "period". Not as in "this is easy." It's NOT.

Minibus gives excellent advice!My almost nine year old stba daughter is very controlling and manipulative.Initially we started once weekly hour long therapy. The therapist suggested we start TBS and that we would see much better results.We started Therapeutic Behavioral Services (TBS) in our home four days a week three hours a day about three months ago. The "coach" comes in and assimilates into the family. I explained to her that she and I needed to communicate better, and that was what she was there for.She very rarely has tantrums now. She "usually" respects me and my decisions. She "usually" does chores when asked. We have had great strides, though we are not quite done. We still struggle with days that dont have structure. She does not do well when she is bored. I have had to learn "Planned Ignore" Its been really hard for me to do it. I still struggle with it. Im a controlling person too, and her trying to control me puts me right over the top. She pushes my buttons intentionally. Ugh. Drives me crazy!Id certainly suggest TBS if it is available for you.Best of luck!Tam