Cant stop crying

Each night when I check this forum I really did not want to even look at the majority of comments. I feel like there were more people on here who were simply posting on this thread to say harmful things rather then support me as a fellow foster parent who is struggling. Each time I started to read a harmful comment I simply skipped it after realizing that many peoples intent in commenting was to accuse me of being "fishy," I get enough bull**** said to me by CPS at this point and have no interest in adding additional harmful comments to this already volatile situation. I wish our community of foster parents were not treating each other in such a way but rather offered their own personal experiences with similar situations. I can tell you that I will not be sharing any other sensitive and personal information or looking for support from this forum but it is truly an additional source of stress. Thank you to those who had kind things to say, did not judge me, or speak on topics they have no experience with.

And do other foster parents a big favor and do not discredit their amount of time spent with a foster child. "Only 3 months"!!!!! It was a long 3 months and if I were to only advocate and care for a child I had for a time frame you think is reasonable, say 4 months, then I am doing a disservice to them. I am really disgusted by some of you discrediting the bond that Doc and I share simply because he was with me for 3 months and not 3 years. I hope you dont treat your newer foster children differently simply because they have only been with you for a matter of months or weeks or days. You all should know better then to discredit my devotion to him as I am sure you love you newer placed foster children just as much as one that has been with you longer after 3 months. I was up for every single feeding round the clock every 2 hours, changed every diaper, and devoted every ounce of my attention and love to him for 3 months. Dont down play the connection we as GOOD foster parents should be forming with our foster children.

We as foster parents, ones who have BTDT, know better than get to attached to a child. Most of us do with the first few, but heartbreaks like the one you are feeling now leave a mark. It is just as insensitive of you to assume that we treat children differently or give them less love because of that. You are a new, and you have decided to go to war with the system right out of the gate. We are just trying to keep it real for you. I do wish you the best of luck, and hope that you are able to make some positive changes.

I like how all of the newbies come and tell the veterans that they are wrong and bad for not being more encouraging when they are just trying to bring them into reality.

you know, cynicism is a gift of the fc system. we've seen stuff, experienced stuff, know stuff. when things don't add up, our bs detectors go to high alert. it's just the way we often operate. we've dealt with addicted parents, less than competent workers within the system, manipulative kids, you name it. we have on those fc colored glasses. that really explains a lot. i would venture to say that a lot of us have loved and lost a little one. i know i still get attached to the kids who come here--even the tough ones. but the exquisite pain of losing the first ones? especially Queenie? not nearly as much. have i become hardened and calloused? i think not. i just know now that loss is part of the deal. and i've willingly opened myself up for the pain that comes each time a loved child leaves. and i am okay with that. what you see here, MissingDoc, is not suspicion so much as BTDT and a searching for the truth. we've done it. we've felt it. we've been told, as you are, that we have no legal leg to stand on. it's just a fact. you don't have to like it--i know i didn't--but it's truth. will you win your case? i don't have the ability to predict the future. if i did, i don't think i'd have ever taken Queenie or Mermaid or Honey or Little Man or Banana. i would have seen the enormous amount of pain that was waiting for me and i would have been afraid. that would have cost me the enormous amount of joy that i still have from knowing and loving those kids. they've been gone from me for over 5 years. i would have also missed Bubba and Flowergirl. i would have been too afraid. they've been mine for 5 years, legally my children for 3. the reality here is that pain is an inevitable part of what we do. but then, so is joy. it takes time to recover when you lose one you think you should have gotten to keep. even after 5 years, the pain ninjas like to do sneak attacks. finally, we are being supportive. it's just not the way you think it should be. support does not mean that we simply pat your back and commiserate with you. it means we try to take an active part in helping you to understand. sometimes support looks like a hand to hold. sometimes it looks like a boot to the pants. i've had both kinds here. they both have their place. i am sorry that you are grieving so profoundly. please continue to bravely work through it--it won't go away on it's own. and if you feel it's best to fight this legal battle, then, by all means, fight. just do so with the understanding that you may lose--and it may cost you far more than money. i don't know where you live, but i do know that every state needs foster care reform. maybe that's your calling here. good luck.

Nicely put GreenRobin. MissingDoc, I wish you luck and go with your gut. Everything happens for a reason and this may help to change the future for many in your area.

Beautiful greenrobin. I think that response sounds something like a mission statement for this section of this forum!!!

She was trying to say the DOC is pre-adoptive in that TPR is happening in March not that his placement with her is pre-adoptive. He could be in a pre-adoptive home now because of the TPR in March and since the case is no longer RU, the sw should have been willing to have a discussion about the obstacles she would have in trying to adopt instead of putting Doc through more moves since he is still not in a pre-adoptive home.

It is not about people being right or wrong. There is constructive criticism and then there is sarcastic, negative criticism, and as a previous poster mentioned, rude and judgey comments. For some reason, the remark about newbies and veterans reminded me of some of those real-life teacher movies like Freedom Writers and The Ron Clark Story. The movies, where newbies like Erin and Ron, are too naive to realize that they can't make a positive change in the lives of their students. They quickly surpass their more cynical, jaded peers and go on to be teacher/consultants to those veterans.

From my perspective, the "veterans" think the OP is fighting a losing battle and therefore is foolish to fight. Lots of veterans have given up fighting system abuses because they fear retaliation and loss of their license. You see evidence of such nearly every day in this forum. As it allows other abuses to go unchecked, the threat of retaliation may be the most powerful weapon in an abusive system's arsenal. But this is an FP willing to lose everything because of system abuse. Maybe what it takes to fight system abuse is newbies. People who are able to fight for this one child without putting any other children at risk.

Wow, things got heated around here. I support missingdoc in every way. She came for gentle support and she made it clear and set boundaries that she is looking for positive, uplifting, empathetic, compassionate support. When a person starts the thread with "can't stop crying" that pretty much means she's not looking for a "reality check". Geez, people! I plan on getting attached and bonding with every child in my care. I plan on teaching them to attach and bond by modeling the behavior. I'd be doing them a disservice if I don't. I'll deal with the emotional fall out of that because they are my emotions and I can handle it. I'm pretty sure there's nothing in our training manual that says that "we should know better" than to attach. Will my heart be guarded to some extent? Sure, but there is nothing wrong with authentic, appropriate attachment and bonding between FP and FC. I know much about inappropriate agency behavior and I've never worked for CPS or any entity remotely affiliated with CPS. In short, I am not a troll---- and I support you missingdoc, 100% in your fight.

[QUOTE=controllnmychaos]We as foster parents, ones who have BTDT, know better than get to attached to a child. QUOTE] When a person starts the thread with "can't stop crying" that pretty much means she's not looking for a "reality check". I know specific situations where some have hired lawyers and won. So, I've BTDT in the arena of: watching FPs beat the system". You, it appears - have not.

Just to be clear why *I* was asking a lot of questions in the beginning, I wasn't trying to be negative, I just didn't understand the situation completely. So that's why I asked, how long you'd had him, where the case stood, why he was removed, etc. 'When I read on your blog that the CW had come over and said they had two adoptive placements lined up, and that's why he was being moved -- that conflicted with what you said here. That's why I asked more questions, but I understand now that you answered. In no way was I trying to be unsupportive. I understand your pain. I fought like heck for my FFS's best interest too (in a situation that was not similar to this). I definitely understand you are hurting and need support. Good luck.

Asking for clarification, especially when things do not make sense is perfectly fine.If one doesn't like the advice given, simply move on and go to the next thing that resonates with you.The discussion on here of "how to behave" etc. needs to stop. Just focus on the OP's topic or don't participate.Thanks everyone!!:)

I support you, 100% ! -There was a case nearby where the FP came in at the one year mark - swooped in , hired a lawyer and fought and got custody. -I agree with you that the agency is not following their own rules , codes and statutes. (Though it might not be fair or appropriate to accuse them of breaking "a criminal law" ) - I like it that you are willing to fight and I only hope that your lawyer can cause things to be filed quickly. (The agency may argue that the child has bonded with the new fost. fam., and removal again would not be in the best interest of the child) - I support your choice to appropriately attach and bond with your FC. -This will be one emotional ride, but I am here to support you. If the removal was strictly for the reason you mentioned, it seems only appropriate that you'd be chosen to adopt the child. -For the protection of your future case, I caution you to be careful what you post here. Especially if it is about to be so public and in the media. (Your lawyer's opinion is what really matters, but I'm just trying to look out for you. : )) Go For It!