"When I have children"

Updates: I think I figured out what's triggering the allergic reactions. My lungs are better since I've cut out said substance. I've been breathing pretty well for days. :) Score. I live (basically) in the Ohio Valley region. People without breathing trouble have had breathing issues this winter. I have two chronic lung diseases, so you can see where this is going. I'm thinking now that my adad was an active participant in the adoption because it's what my amom wanted. She could've adopted me alone, and now I'm wishing she had. She finally admitted to me that she doesn't really like me talking to bmom (her and I have been corresponding a little more lately.) I had a conversation with bmom the other day and she admitted a few things I already knew, as follows: She felt in her heart that our relationship as mother and son was doomed when she found out she was pregnant again. She didn't have room in her heart for a fifth child. She never bonded with me or saw me as her child (at one point, when asked how many kids she had, she rattled off "four", completely forgetting she did, at that time, have five.) She saw from a very young age that I could take care of myself and she was so overwhelmed with her marriage and other children that she was content to let me do so. What really caught me the wrong way though is that she basically blamed the fact that I was in the hospital for the first 2 months of my life as her reason for being unable to bond with me ever. I don't get that. Adad told me again the other night that he still doesn't see me in nearly the same light has his bio children and quite possibly never will. "Maybe in 20 years, maybe never" were his exact words. It had been almost a year and a half since the last time we had that conversation. It tore me up the last time. Not so much this time. It hurts, but I guess after something happens once, you're prepared for it to happen again. I very seriously doubt it will ever change. His expecting me to just be patient and okay with everything is kind of audacious to me, but then again, what can I do? I guess I'm just tired - exhausted is actually a better word - of being second all the time. I'm holding out hope that a future marriage and a family of my own will at least provide me a chance to show the love to my children that I can't get from any kind of parent. I don't know. I thought I was okay with not searching out my bdad because of adad, but now I feel like... why spare his feelings when nobody seems to care about mine? At almost 21 I figured a lot of this wouldn't be an issue anymore. *sigh*