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This is a whole new experiance for me, and i'm not entirely sure what it is i'm trying to acheive, I guess the reason i'm on here is because being adopted is like being part of a secret circle and you never quiet know who is and who is'nt, but from a personel view point I always have felt a 'bond' like feeling when comming across other adoptees. I honestly do not know were to begin. I am in my forty's. I am from an irish background. My adopted parents are truly wonderful people. but like many adoptees, I felt like I didn't fit in. This wasn't about them, it was about me. My parents were honest and as open as they could be regarding my adoption and told me as much as they could. So in that sense, they have been so good. There was nothing they could say, nothing they could do, this was entirely about me. They loved me and I love them. I just did'nt fit in. I remember being six years old at school. At play time the other children would go off skipping and playing tag. I used to do this thing were I would distance myself and stand in the corner in the cold. I would think about my birth mother, and wonder how she was and if she was thinking of me. I always had this feeling that she loved me. I don't know if this will make any senseto you, but it's her and it's always been about her. There's just so much, too much. Perhaps, as time goes by I can tell you more. The long and short of it is at the age of 36 I finally found my birth mother. What can I say, there's not enough words, she's the love of my life. Im in regular contact via phone. I haven't seen her for the last two years but I know i'll be seeing her this year. It's just so hard because things are complicated. It's a heart breaking situation im in and sometimes I just feel totally broken. I wish to god things had been different. When we're together I feel like im back were I truly belong and it's the happiest I've ever been. Well that's all for now, but for anyone out there searching, take it from me, never give up. Love and best wishes to you all, Shelley xxx
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Welcome to the boards, Shelley. A lot of what you shared in your post resonated with me, particularly the part about feeling like there's some kind of connection with other adoptees. I've said it in past posts on here somewhere, but in my case in the past I've struggled to find the right words to explain my adoption situation to people who haven't experienced adoption in some way themselves. And I mean even the people who have known me for years, those in my family and so on. In conversations with "outsiders" as I sometimes call them, I'm usually good for maybe 3 or 4 exchanges but by then I feel like I'm fumbling for words and tripping all over myself. But sit me down with another adoptee or someone who has had first hand experience in the adoption triad and I can gab on for hours...just peruse through the boards and you'll see examples. It's weird and I'm not sure what the cause is. It has nothing to do with the people I'm talking with. It's a me thing.
I'm glad that your reunion is a happy one. Hopefully the "complicated" things aren't too bad.
Best,
PADJ
Hello There, Thank you so much for the replies. The response alone is such a joy and a comfort. It's like an unspoken code, no one could ever know unless they have experianced it first hand, and I know you understand. Some times that's all you want, and that's what gave me the idea to join this forum. I go about my every day life, work, tv , bed, just like any one else but it's always there in my mind ready to surface and it always does. The wrench in my heart is now a feeling stronger than ever, but it's just part and parcel of my situation and who I am. I am soft and ultra sensitive and the past is something I will never be able to let go of. Im so thankful for being happily married to a wonderful man, and Im a great believer in laughing as hard as you can. It helps! Love and best wishes Shelley xxx
It's so true. We go through our lives and seldom do we find the opportunity to discuss these issues. I find it extremely difficult in my day to day life to bring up the things I talk about here.
Mainly because to explain why it's an issue leaves me exhausted. People who haven't been through the situation although empathetic are often lost when it comes to understanding just how consuming this can be.
It helps to able to discuss issues with people who you don't have explain the Whys too.
I know that it's hard for me because sometimes people just look at me like I am from Mars. Wondering why it's an issue to want to know what I wanted to know. When I was going through the initial search I was absorbed and I realized there were people who simply could not grasp why I wanted to find out about the people who relinquished me to be adopted.
When the reunion went adrift people couldn't understand how I could be so hurt.
It's helped me a great deal to be able to come here and let some of the pain out and for that I am very thankful.
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murphymalone
People who haven't been through the situation although empathetic are often lost when it comes to understanding just how consuming this can be.It helps to able to discuss issues with people who you don't have explain the Whys too.I know that it's hard for me because sometimes people just look at me like I am from Mars. Wondering why it's an issue to want to know what I wanted to know. When I was going through the initial search I was absorbed and I realized there were people who simply could not grasp why I wanted to find out about the people who relinquished me to be adopted.When the reunion went adrift people couldn't understand how I could be so hurt.
L4R
Murphy, I cannot understand why the people in your life couldn't understand why you would be hurt. It hurts.
PADJ, I hear what you're saying, but there is a little thing called empathy that more people should try using with more frequency.There are a lot of things in this world for which I have no frame of reference, but I still do my best to put myself in the other person's shoes. Everyone has a right to their opinions about what constitutes a family, but no one has a right to impose their opinions on someone else. I understand that some people don't get it. Some people don't want to get it. It's so easy for others to forget that adoption starts with loss.
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I absolutely agree that more people should try being more empathetic in this world. The world would be a better place if that were the case.
As I said, there's a lot of reasons why people can't / don't / won't understand. Just seems to be even that much more difficult for them to understand without some degree of a common frame of reference. I have a lot of friends that grew up in families where the parents had split up. That was not the case with my a-family. I try the best I can to be empathetic when they talk about how it was for them growing up, to put their shoes on and walk around for a while, but I know I don't really get how things were for them because they weren't that way for me.
The real kicker is when people who DO have personal experience in the adoption triad also don't get it. Actually I tend to characterize those people in the won't or can't get it groups...they should get it but they don't. And then when it's someone involved in our own adoption case that STILL is somewhere out wandering in left field...that's when I just excuse myself from the room.
I am am adoptee, and my bio mom found me soon after my 18th birthday. We had an amazing relationship. She was my best friend that I could talk about anything with. I found out I had a little brother and sister and my little sister soon became a little "mini me". Even with all the stories I have heard about how screwed up I would have been if she kept me, I still would give anything to have been able to be raised by my bio family. My bio mom seems to have issues with men. She is on her 4th marriage and she seems to change personalities with every new husband.
I moved a couple hours away, and she never contacts me. If we talk its because I called her, and its very rare she answers the phone. Then she proceeds to tell everyone that she doesn't know what my problem is because she never hears from me. My younger sister who is now 21 also sees the games she plays.
I feel like I lost my best friend, but I also feel a lot of anger. Horrible anger that I can't seem to shake.
But, there is one thing I am thankful for. Since I have found all the pieces I have complete peace. All the questions and wondering I did as a child I now have answers to, and for that I am grateful