Birth mother died recently of her 3rd bout of colo-rectal cancer.

I am trying to get your story straight in my head. Did you mean your birthmother married your birthfather after they gave you up to a rival girlfriend of your birthfather? Did she have another child with him she gave up or with someone else?

I hope you're getting some sort of help or support to help you deal with your anger. I can understand why your bmom took the information about another relinquished child to her grave -- why would she have wanted to open herself up again to anger and judgment at the end of her life? I'm sure you're not alone -- I know in my heart that my son won't shed any tears for me when it's my turn to die either. I don't know why people do the things they do or take secrets to their grave. Several days before my father passed away in 1992, he told me that one day I might get a phone call from a possible half-brother who had been born in Colorado in 1950 while serving in the Air Force. He never knew if the rumors were true or not, but he had been told that a young lady whom he had dated for a short while had given birth to a baby boy and surrendered him to adoption. My dad couldn't even remember her name, so it's impossible for me to even begin thinking about searching for him. The really weird thing that happened two weeks after my father died is that I got a phone call from a man who was six years younger than my dad -- a half-brother my father never even knew existed. My paternal grandfather was a very lively dancer, so to speak, and had married a second time shortly after divorcing my grandmother. He left his second wife while she was pregnant, and when she remarried, her husband adopted my father's half-brother. Life is strange....and family secrets have a way of rearing their heads for generations.

I am sorry for the confusion. I get like that when I have several things I want to explain and they are all tied in with one another.

Ok BDad (biological father) married my birthmother's rival.

25 years after he had a child with her rival. - That child is my half-sister who is 10 years younger than I am.

My BDad and BMom were never married to each other.

My BDad has only been married once. Like I said, to my BMom's rival from way back in the day when he used to date them both on and off.

Reason they never married... BMom thought BDad had changed when he came back from VietNam tour. BDad thought the same of BMom. So they went their separate ways.

Then, 2 years after I was relinquished in 1966, my BMom married an illegal. He got deported back to Mexico. She followed him to Mexico., She had either gotten pregnant with my half-sister (whom is 2.5 years younger than I am) before she got married or shortly after. BMom got very sick and ended up coming back home to IN in her 9th month on a bus back to her parent's house.

Problem was, that her father, my biological grandfather was at the very least a S.O.B, and told her she could not come home. Her parents were embarrassed by her getting pregnant with me, relinquishing me then only to two years later, get married to an illegal, run to Mexico, get pregnant again. Kept my half-sister. ANYWAY, BMom got a divorce and like I said, kept my half-sister. Why she did not put her up for adoption, I have no idea.

Also, BMom's older sister had relinquished a child, whom has been found. Plus, later on there was a cousin whom was sent to another state to give birth and relinquish that child as well.

I hope that helps a bit in how that all went down. Later on, BMom remarried, to one guy who raised my half-sister as his own from what I understood. My half-sister's biological father did not have anything to do with her growing up. (That Mexican illegal I mentioned earlier.)

This is where it gets tricky. My BDad swears that BMom had yet another child at some point as he had been "with her" and I am not sure of the timing of this. She had relinquished this child as well. No idea of any details, where, when, male/female, etc. That is the secret she took to the grave with her. The only person who has some clues is me BDad. I can only hope that he tells me later on down the line, so I can try to find this person.

Thanks for taking the time to clear it up. Now I think I've got the picture.What's your gut say? Do you think she may have had a fling with your birthfather after she and he gave you up? He hinted at it so hold him to it. Why in the name of God anyone would think that it's okay to just throw that out there and not realize you might want to know who and where this person is; astounds me.I would ask him that? He must remember if they got back together after you came along for whatever amount of time.Your frustration is justified considering you have a sibling out there who may want to know you. Your anger is normal. It sounds like people were hopping in and out of the sack will nilly and throwing children's lives into turmoil. I don't understand it and I certainly am not going to pretend people shouldn't be held accountable, sat down and put on the spot for their actions. It drives me nuts that people seem to think throwing a scrap of information like "your sibling was adopted out too" should be a bonus.You would have to be a zombie not to be angry. What you do with that emotion is your choice. You can either deny it, lash out or use it as a driving force to get what you need to know out of the people who created this situation.What ever you do express it and let it out. Don't harbour it and pretend it isn't there and don't let anyone tell you; you have a problem because you feel it.I would suggest picking up the phone and asking a series of non confrontational questions. Make a list and keep asking them until you get as much information as you can. Talk to people they may have befriended back then if you can. Their siblings, cousins, neighbours, coworkers. People talk and that's the way you will find out what they know.It will be hard not to be emotional but if you use use "I" messages and not point fingers it's easier for people to tell you what they know.

I don't know why Anger/frustration on the part of someone who has no control over how other people treat them is considered an issue the person should get help with.It's normal to be angry when injustices occur whether they are societal, familial or simply fate.If people who were pushed into a corner with no way out were strong enough to get angry and push back a lot of the truly horrendous things people do to other people wouldn't happen to them again.We would have a planet populated with simpering, helpless, half wits using up all the kleenex waiting for someone to tell them how they should feel if anger didn't exist.If you get your fingers slammed in a door no one says you should get help because you scream in pain. That you are in need of therapy. They look at the situation and hopefully do something to relieve the pain. Like opening the godforsaken door. When your fingers don't heal because people keep poking them and ignoring the fact that you have sore fingers no one says get help because you say "knock it off my fingers are sore".Just because the wound is not visible doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Maybe people should be howling angry because abandonment and slamming doors in people's faces still goes on despite the knowledge that slamming the door in someone's face who has been abandoned is like taking the person who had their fingers slammed in the door and doing it over again expecting you are going to get a different reaction.It hurts. You can either wallow in self pity or get angry enough to get up and stop wallowing. Anger is a motivator and should not be deemed pathological.It's when anger is buried that sick minds fester and it comes out in weird ways like passive aggressive behaviour, violence or self destruction.For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and that theory works in the emotional realm as well. Denying it won't get us any healthier.Sorry but in a conversation with my beloved Aunt and I mean no sarcasm I love her dearly she said "Are you angry about that" meaning all the crippling crap I've been through. Yes I am angry when I stop to think about it..... beyond angry but I don't lash out at people I simply feel what is normal to feel. I use the anger as a tool and it drives me to trying and figure out how to stop such things from happening to other people and to help them understand and myself understand what in the name of all that is madness drives people to think this is all simply "the way of the world" and that people who are ripped from their siblings and family should be thankful because they ended up in some other family.That's right sports fans I get Irish step dancing furious, dish smashing, teeth baring outraged once in awhile and then I pick myself up and get on with the getting on. I have not smashed any dishes because I rather like my dishes it's an analogy so don't sign me up somewhere for charitable people to replace my fine China. ;)Ok that's my rant.

StarryNights, I'm a birth mother with a degree in psychology. I relinquished at sixteen in the 1960s. I was incarcerated behind the fence in an unwed mothers jail for several months. I've helped hundreds of adoptees and birth mothers in & out of reunion. A few comments... You wrote, "Why she did not put her up for adoption, I have no idea." I have at least two. She was married to the father of your half-sister. This was not an out-of-wedlock birth. That alone would eliminate the stigmatization associated with single motherhood back then, even if she divorced later. Being divorced, she would be able to find employment and an apt. and not be ostracized at her workplace and in her community. Not so if she wasn't married. Another thing to consider is how difficult it would be to reliquish another child. Although it seems she may have done so again, I don't know how, that's hard to imagine. Once is enough to break most women. I relinquished in a time when there was overwhelming pressure to do so, even if one was older. There was a woman in the maternity "home" (it was like prison) that was in her early twenties and from a upper middle class family. They had financial resources, and she wanted her baby. At the time I thought, "What is she doing here?" But she wasn't married. That was all. Unmarried and pregnant - it made you a pariah, an untouchable, worse than somone with a deadly contagious disease. It wasn't until I became an adult and read Rickie Solinger's book, [URL="http://www.amazon.com/Wake-Up-Little-Susie-Pregnancy/dp/0415926769/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359926182&sr=1-3&keywords=Rickie+Solinger"]"Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade" [/URL]that I really understood why, and I lived through that time period. Education is the key. It unlocks the door to understanding, empathy and healing. I guess I shouldn't offer condolences in the loss of your birth mother? It saddens me that you feel more pain over missing information than for her death :-( So with RavenSong, I hope you are getting professional help to deal with your anger. There's plenty of misinformation about anger in pop psychology and some of the adoption literature. Anger destroys relationships. It's that simple. It's as normal as cancer. We want to cut it out, not feed it. ItҒs possible to live free of anger and its underlying twins: resentment and bitterness. Its possible to live above that haunting, chronic sense of loss and ongoing grief, too. Adoptees and birth mothers are doing it, and theyҒre doing it because they want to. Unfortunately, not everyone wants to.

I agree that it's possible to live your life without bitterness and resentment but denying the individual's need to express anger isn't the same thing. There is this misconception that we should protect ourselves from "feeling" hence the presupposition to medicate away anything that makes us feel intense emotions. Let's face it. There are times when it's healthy to express anger. When it's expressed it doesn't sit around festering to become bitterness and resentment. Letting go of being angry is a process and denying it exists isn't letting go of it. The person who started this thread has been through a great deal. We all experience anger differently and some people don't let it out so it manifests itself into physiological pain that is just as real as the pain we feel without the anger behind it. If you don't let yourself experience a normal reaction and "numb" yourself that's not too healthy either.

When I suggested getting some help for her anger, I was referring to something like a triad support group where she can share her feelings. I wasn't making her out to be pathological. Her natural mother is no longer here to hear her daughter's anger and frustration -- I'm hoping someone can hear her feelings in real life. I think I'm just going to stay off the adoptee threads. Good luck on your journeys.

Hi murphymalone, I was not referring to righteous indignation over sociological trends such as the closed adoption system. That kind of anger can motivate one to work for social justice via adoption reform, unconditional access to unaltered OBCs without intermediaries or contact vetoes, etc. I was referring to prolonged, deep-seated anger directed at specific individuals. If left unresolved, its deadly and destructive to human relationships, leading to hatred and vengeance. This kind of anger motivates one to throw objects, destroy property, verbally lash out and physically abuse others, even kill, and not necessarily the target of rage. Of course anger toward others exists. I donҒt deny that or an individuals need to express it Җ in the right place, at the right time, to the right person, with the right motive, and as lovingly as possible. Some dont know how to express their anger, such as children, because theyҒre emotionally immature. Children must be taught how to properly deal with anger. Some children never learn and go through life ruled by their emotions, held prisoner by them. They never mature into adulthood; at 60 they act six. Repeatedly expressing anger over the same past hurts and offenses is a symptom of unresolved resentment and bitterness, not a way to keep that ugly pair at bay. It feeds the two, like a smoker who cant quit tobacco feeds small-cell lung cancer. Being chronically pissed off will result in continual venting. We hear, "Thanks for letting me vent" instead of, "Thanks for letting me vomit," which would be more accurate. ItҒs vindictive and addictive behavior, not good for you but hard to kick. And gently suggesting letting it go often makes them angrier. I had to pull away from someone, not in the triad, who was stuck but refused help. She just wouldnt get beyond her wounds, licking them daily. She was angry at being gypped in life. Bitterness was eating her up, and thatҒs far more tragic than the events that caused her emotional problems. If she doesnt learn to forgive, sheҒll die bitter and alone. I dont know of an idea that we need to protect ourselves from intense feelings and emotions, but we do need to be freed from the damaging ones, and that process need not take years and years. We admit anger is there, then work to get rid of it. We donҒt let it become part of us. We dump it quickly, run away from it like out of a burning building. And if thats difficult to accomplish without help then get as much as needed.

Kathleen, thank you -- you are a breath of fresh air. Continually venting without resolution...without growth...can eat me up faster than just about anything else in life. It's a very real danger in support groups of all types, not just adoption related. There has to come a point -- if we really want to be healthy and whole -- that we need to let the anger and bitterness go. But anger and resentment can be harder to kick than the most addictive street drugs. When I chose to let go of my anger from how I was treated back in the Baby Scoop Era, a whole new world opened up to me...and I finally felt some peace and wholeness.

I agree. There does come a time when "nursing the narcissistic wound" and growling at anyone who tries to say maybe you should let it go is counterproductive. It's just that it's worrisome when the process is interrupted. We proceed through a series of emotions coping with trauma or grief. I am a firm believer in educating yourself about the social climate by which someone may have been impacted. In order to understand a person's motivation it's extremely helpful to understand what pressures they were under. The original poster may or may not be angry I don't know. But it's okay to let it out if anger is there. I do know that due to a fear of being abandoned I didn't get angry for a long, long time and that was not healthy. I internalized blame for something I couldn't control. When I shifted the internal loci to external I started to heal. I started to realize there are events, states of mind and decisions that are not going to be impacted no matter how much I twist myself into a pretzel trying to make myself acceptable etc. It was like breaking out of a prison to realize I had the right to feel angry and then move on. Let it out, say what's on my mind and let the other person hear how I felt without worrying they would run swiftly in the opposite direction. If a person dies taking secrets to the grave you can't rail against fate but it's certainly acceptable to be ticked off.

"But anger and resentment can be harder to kick than the most addictive street drugs." I think this statement is absolutely true. Some people become "addicted to chaos" as well and if they aren't distracting themselves trying to "fix" other people's lives they are in the process of creating it in their own. Over and over like a gerbil on a wheel and none of it's healthy. It takes stepping away to get a fresh perspective and to allow yourself time to process the emotions in order to delve into the problem. When a situation becomes confrontational the only quick progression is to an impasse where nothing gets solved. Sometimes people play out there dilemma over and over again projecting it on every situation instead of examining their role in it and thinking outside the box.