Debating Trying ro Do the Search for Birth Parents.

Looking for biological relatives is not for the faint of heart. It is emotionally risky, and you need to be prepared for the possibility of rejection.My mother was kind enough to answer a few questions for me, but then she just chose to ignore all further emails. We communicated solely in writing. The first contact was via snail mail. All subsequent contact was via email.My father, on the other hand, has been great. Our initial contact was via phone, and he and I have not had one awkward minute. I have not met either of them in person.I always wanted to know about them and their families. You can never fully prepare for contact, but you do need to prepare yourself emotionally as best you can. Even though my mother obviously cannot handle continued contact, I'm thrilled that I know who she is and that she gave me some information. The rejection hurt. But, it didn't hurt as much as not knowing anything about my people.

You will know when you are ready. Trust me. You will be driven to find out. In the mean time make a list of things you need to know because you will find yourself kind of "gob smacked" and overwhelmed. I did. I found them both. They married each other. Everything went tickety boo like a roller coaster for awhile and then we hit the doldrums. Unfortunately now we are at a stage where I have had to put things on the back burner. Long story. You can read the whole story if you want under Search and reunion. Searching is not for the faint of heart. Get yourself some support and read everything you can before you start contact. It's extremely emotional. Good luck if you decide to pursue it. I don't regret finding out and I don't regret taking the risk.

MaryI totally can relate to your dilemma. For me it boiled down to my desire to know was greater than my fear of the unknown. There are lots of great books on the topic. Google a reading list on adoption search and reunion. It also was helpful to read books on the birth mothers' experience, and how all 3 sides of the triad my react to reunion. May I ask approximately how old you are?It it helps, mine worked out well :)

Thanks for the input. I used to think I needed to know before I was old enough to do the search, but I am 30 now and I don't have the feeling that I need to know. It would be convenient to have a bit of medical history background, but not crucial. If she tried to search for me I would not deny her contact, but I don't feel the need right now to initiate the contact. I also fear if I do decide one day to do the search that it will be too late.

You could initiate the search with some parameters in other words find her and explain that you would like to keep in contact without fully engaging in a relationship for awhile.Like maybe exchanging information and pictures with say an email address/phone number and the necessary details to stay in touch or engage further at a later date.Or you could wait until the urge is stronger. The fact that you are weighing things out is a good thing.If you do decide to search you may find yourself caught up in the moment though and all the safeguards will go out the window unless you are steadfast and disciplined.You may feel like you want to take it one step at a time but you just never know what's going on behind the curtain in their world.

Mary,After I had my own kids, my own urge to really search grew much stronger.I hadn't thought about the possibility that my birth mother could have passed away until I was close to finding her. Then it hit me hard, and I feared it. I'm glad I didn't wait too long.Not to pressure you to search. Your own good time is the best time.I loved getting some medical information and ethnic information after a life time of nothing. I was VERY tired of filling in "unknown" on medical surveys.It's good to know.But it needs to be the right time for you. There's a lot to it.This is your reality and life. I used an intermediary and took things really, really slow. That worked for us. We have a super strong friendship, and family love that is unique to us.Best of luck to you!B.

Thank you for your perspective :) I appreciate everyone taking time to share your experiences. I already have 3 kids so again I wonder if I will ever get that "I need to know" urge.

I am a birth mother who has yearned for most of her adult life to meet the woman who I am very proud to call my daughter. She's 31 now and I would love to know what's happened in her life. I agree it's not for the faint of heart, and your experience could go either way. But in my world, PLEASE seek us out. We would love to find our daughter and the beautiful woman she has become. Best of luck Kathleen (daughter born 9/1982)

Mary, I am a male adoptee who has searched for a long time without finding.If you decide to search, I would try to look at the out come as objectively as possible.Unless you have unlimited information which leads you down the path to your ultimate goal, i would give it some serious thought.If you truly have no interest in searching, I would put it on the back burner to see if a spark ever comes forward.If on the other hand you do want to search, this is a part of your head, and it can't be denied.It might be helpful to contact one of the free search angels on this site and share with them the information you have.They can very quickly ask questions which note how much of the information you have. This will give each of you somewhat of a timeframe from which to work. Searching contains 2 important elements which should be thot out prior to finding. 1. How do I handle the ongoing roller coaster effect attached to the search, and 2. how do I feel about finding those individuals, if it comes about. The 3rd part which may also involve some thot is whether or not you want an intermediary to more or less run interference and then present you with only the important answers.I wish you the best.

MaryAdopted I could have written your thread! I feel the exact same way. Blessed life with my parents, a bit curious as an adult on medical information etc;. 30 years ago I received non ID info from the court on limited allergies, birth mother's age at birth and such. I was starting to have a family and thought it was important. Nothing real specific was given. Now that my parents have passed away and I know my birth mother would be 75, I feel perhaps I should try to look for her. I have often thought of the "Pandoras Box", yet at my age of 55, I believe I can handle with a positive attitude as I feel such gratitude. Medical information would be so helpful. I have enlisted a search angel from Michigan from Child and Family Services of Michigan to assist with the search. Our files are closed in Michigan in the year 1958. I have a concern though that perhaps she does not want to be found, or perhaps she kept this a secret. In that case I understand. I guess we have to be prepared these type of things. Best of luck~