bio of our adopted kids arrested/close adoption?

Is the only reason you don't want to take the new baby b/c you don't want bio family to see your kids at visitation? Because that can be worked around with transporters/babysitters/etc. I would not blame you for shutting down all communication with all of those arrests happening. BUT, what about just doing written letters once a year with a pic or two? Of course, they'd have to provide you with a current address, but I honestly feel like limiting communication to written letters that have to be mailed is best in a situation like this. If, after a while, you feel that is also inappropriate, you can end that once a year update as well, but that seems like a good step down from your current level of communication. That is exactly what I did with bps of all of my children, and my stress level has already gone WAY down. Bps do not have instant access to me like they did when they were texting and emailing. Now, they have to write a letter and mail it, and I check the po box when I am ready to deal with it. They haven't sent anything yet, and I check the po box once a month now.

bigmomma, this is my philosophy on continued bio parent involvement post adoption. {Feel free to take with a grain of salt as this is just talk now, I haven't had an opp to put it to test.}When I was preparing for this journey, I read and read and read some more. One of the compelling issues I happened upon again and again (and I saw in my personal life - my sister lost her two kids 20+ years ago and has now reconnected with her bio son) is that as the kids became "adults" [read: turned 17/18], they were very interested in bio parents. So, the first time they have one of those "usual" teen-age fights with mom, they decide to go and find their birth mother. By now, they have likely built up this huge fantasy of their birth mother. This experience seemed to be consistent with stories of private and foster care adoption. So what happens when they find that bio parent, the bio parent turns their story, thus, makes reality, the "fantasy" of the bio child. This can then destroy a family. I read so many stories of adoptive families torn apart with these situations. Now, granted, these cases are likely the minority, but I have seen it.So, my philosophy is as long as it is SAFE to do so, it is always better to keep bios involved to some degree so that the child grows up knowing the REAL bio parent. When the bio parent has free access to call or write, and DOESN'T, then the child should be told this information. Further, it is a lot harder to hide their true being when the kids sees them often. The kid will begin to see through their lies, see that they are not like you, etc. So by the time they are grown up, that fantasy doesn't exist anymore. This should all be dependent on the child of course. When they are old enough to have a voice, that voice should be heard. Your other children't don't need to be part of this process, leave them with a babysitter. But, keep some communication open, age appropriately, as long as you possibly can tolerate it. Text messages are easy, just ignore them. Or change your number to a google number so that you can filter her calls to your convenience all of the time.Anyway, we'll see if Chubbs' bio tries to make contact when she gets out in June. He is too young now to know who she is or even begin to understand the concept of a bio mom, but we'll see.Know that whatever decision YOU make, it will be what you believe is RIGHT for YOUR child.

This is tough. We had a completely closed adoption, and it was actually never even brought up that it could be otherwise. In fact, cw advised no contact for safety issues. Bio parents have been in and out of jail the whole time, and are both now in for a while. We also live 3,000 miles away, so I'm not sure how much contact there would be anyway. All that to say, though, I do think about it. On his birthday, Christmas, etc... I feel like she has to wonder how he's doing. I have considered writing her a letter with pics while she's in prison, with no return address. I still may. I know it's a hard decision, but just make sure you don't make a decision that can't be changed again if needed.

I dont' think ours thinks of the kids. even when they were still involved, they didn't remember birthdays or christmas. They aren't safe. the 'dad' never quit using, the mother is in jail for domestic violence. so is the older sister and her husband. the other brother has addiction issues. i find those things worrisome about the famiy because she abandoned these kids when they were and they still have issues. not sure if those were always there or only since they have tried to build a relationship. my kids are 3 and 5. the 5 year old remembers things. like being locked in a carseat left to cry with no one caring for him or coming for him. He told me she 'smacked' him when they were having over nights. we just now, after having her out of the picture for 13 months feel we are building a strong bond where he trusts us when we say things to him. he never liked visiting her, would ask her when his mom(me) would be back, etc. and herarely mentions her and when he does he says 'she's not a good mom'. so i don't see any benefit to HIM to have visits at this point. My 3 year old came to us at 2 weeks old, had visits but never saw bio mom as more than a baby sitter. she can't understand 'another mom' out there......

Based on this, I think you should close the adoption. I appreciate what others have said about keeping the bio family involved to some degree but I disagree. I don't think an open adoption needs to mean face to face contact or sharing lots of information at all. Your five year old will probably eventually forget the memories he has and if he does and asks at an older age you can remind him of the why he was adopted and share the information you know about his family. There is no need to keep secrets but also no need to keep the bio family involved as a significant presence in your children's lives. I thought I would have a very open adoption with my stbas. I have come to know the family very well and yet even now I can be shocked by the pathology in this family that has come to light in the past several weeks. While I will never hide information from my son and try to keep tabs with the bio family so that if my son desires a visit and it is safe that could happen in the future, I do not think I am willing to subject my son to a relationship with people who are so pathological in their thinking and lifestyle. The visits with his bio mom in the past few months have only made him re-live her abandonment over and over and over again. At his age he does not need to incorporate this exerience into his sense of self worth and his self identity which I fear will happen if he has to continually experience this. Yes there are/were good things and some geniune love from his bio family but that does not outweigh the bad by any means. I will share the good as well as the bad but we are his family not them.

If they aren't or cant be safe, case closed. Neither of Chubbs' bios have a violent history, just drugs, so that isnt a concern for me. but if the bios cannot be safe, and child doesn't want it, then there is your answer. Keep the idea open in case they turn around later.There was a story on here where bio mom had TPR of a sib group. They stayed in foster care a long time. Then she finally got clean like six years later and was able to adopt them. Well, just from the article, you can tell she was living in denial and it wasn't her fault kids were removed. So, that is what we face.But I would never expose my children to an unsafe bio or one who left scars on the child.ETA: oh, one more thing, Bio mom would have to agree that she'll be referred to by her first name and not as mom or mommy or any entitlement like that, Or deal would be off for me. There's no reason to confuse little kids by calling her mama or mommy. If she didn't agree to that then there would be no opportunity for visit my opinion