Not sure where to go now

I am going through a similar dilemma and I am quite sure you will find many others who have gone through this. It doesn't make it any easier when it's happening to you except in the knowledge that you aren't alone.I had to come to terms with the fact that it's my birthparents issue and I suppose they are entitled to their position on some level. It's hard to understand why someone would get in contact and then withdraw contact without understanding how dismally cruel it is to do so.People are not all aware of how they affect others because they are wrapped up in their own feelings. Just like I was wrapped up in my own feelings and need when I searched; not fully aware or capable of understanding what the intrusion might feel like to them. But it happened. They didn't refuse contact. They did engage and now the door seems closed. I hope they didn't lock it and move away figuratively speaking. I look at the door from a distance but I just haven't go it in me to knock again.I took it personally and felt like crap. Now I am a bit more removed from "taking it on". I realize we are all adults even though what they did at first made me feel like a helpless child because it hurt so much.My advice to you is to pick up the pieces of your heart and look after yourself. You made the effort and took the risk. It was a chance you took as I did. We have to try to accept the fact that their reactions are theirs and we have no control over how they respond to us.I am open to contact from them but I won't be the one initiating at least at this point. The wounds are still raw. Take care and hopefully for both of us something will shift in their universe and they will see their way through to calling or writing. In the mean time as you said life has to go on.

The reason I put this part in a separate post is because it's really a different layer of the issue. You need to understand that it is not your fault she feels like she can't connect. You say that it's possible she was raped. That would indeed complicate things even more. I don't understand how someone could go through that and decide to engage in contact without getting some counseling before they engaged with the child/adopted person. But as you say it's not confirmed. What if you wrote her a letter and asked her. That might help her talk about why she is feeling cautious or hesitant. I wouldn't suggest before you go down that road before you get more information or support. Talk to the police in the area where she was living. That might help. If she charged the man there would be a record of it. If not I am not sure how you could confirm it. Who told you that? Was it just thrown into the conversation and by whom? People say things without thinking through the consequences of their statements. It might be purely speculative or someone may have said it to try to explain why she isn't willing to come forward in her contact. In my opinion if she chose to contact you knowing that she was raped; she should have been extremely aware of how that might make you feel and dealt with it right away. You say you have a large birth family. Are there relatives outside the immediate family you could talk to. Her sister or brother for example or an Aunt or uncle. Someone who could confirm what you suspect.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I hear and understand what you are saying. I know I am not the only person who had lived or dealt with this same issue. I was told by one of her sister's whom I had found back in 1983 stayed in touch with this women lost track for 20 years and than back in 2008 I became very ill and decided to search one last time. Long story short My birth-aunt told me that my Bio-mom said she was gang raped. This took place back in 1965. I asked my birth-mom who my bio-dad was, her reply she did not know. She sounds angry and cold sometimes on the phone. I have had sessions with a specialist many times in my life. I am 47 yrs old so I have had time to process. I just didn't know if I should finally give up. Her sister's told me that when my bio-mom was prego nobody knew.Later in life she told very few in her family. I was her secret all those years. I have two half brothers in Dubai. One was talking to me for a few months on facebook and even flew to the States to meet me but she stopped it. I guess time will tell.:hippie:

Where did this happen? I can't imagine how painful it would have been finding that out. I can understand how she would have issues but she did make contact. It's hard to understand why she would make contact and not at keep in touch in some way. Have the two of you discussed what happened to her?

I was the person who made contact first. Many years ago I did the state confidential intermediary program and located her first through that. My case-worker said she was not friendly and did not want to give out any information. However she did call back and asked my name and gave very little medical info. This took place back in the 90's. My situation is so different. The whole family stays mum and I can't get info from anyone. I have tried to do in a respectful way along with asking her sisters who are still alive. My birth-mom is very stubborn and they say doesn't listen. I have in a round about way asked how I was conceived in letters but no replies. I am sure this is why she chooses not to meet with me. During one of our conversations she mentioned sitting down and talking but I have invited to my house and told her just give me one chance to see you in person and talk as adults. Her reply was she had to think about it. Well I have never heard back. I am telling you it is crazy. I appreciate your interest and I can only hope that before she dies she comes to terms. The very first time I spoke on the phone she said to me , why are you doing this your happy right you have your family just go on with your life. she than made a comment that I was something from her past and she had moved on and so should I. I see a very self- centered women who never coped with any of this. I believe she blocked it out of her memory. Thanks again

She may not be able to deal with the trauma of what happened but it would be very hard to be in your shoes.I can understand why she would block it. I suppose all you can do is hope that one day she is able to talk to you in person. I am sorry things unfolded this way. She would need to go through counseling to able to deal with the trauma. Perhaps then she could talk about it with her family. I hope that you have hashed this out with someone yourself and understand that you are not what she is rejecting. If she hasn't dealt with any of the issues she harbours; it would be almost impossible for her to be able to have a relationship with you. I know that doesn't make it any less frustrating but perhaps it makes it more understandable. The brain works to maintain order/preserve sanity and if someone is not capable of dealing with something it short circuits the emotional memory. It's like a fuse gets blown and a piece of the memory related to the emotional aspect shuts down. She would have shoved the memory of what happened to her so far back to cope and go on with her life that now there will be resistance in going back there emotionally. Read some articles about "blocking" and "triggering" in terms of trauma.If the rape was not reported and she absorbed some of society's prejudices about it she may be experiencing guilt and shame about what happened to her. If she carried that all these years with no validation that it was not her fault then she will automatically reject any reminders of it because there would be a simmering rage. Understanding all of this doesn't mean you haven't got the right to be angry, hurt and frustrated. You certainly have reason to be. Unfortunately, if she isn't willing to do the work to deal with all of this then the impulsive reaction would be to assume a "cold" reaction to you. So don't internalize that any of this is because of you. Where did this happen? If it happened and was reported the police will have some record. You could at least find that out. Then you would know more about whether she had any support at all. Too often rape is not reported because the process of going to trial is so demeaning for the survivor. Defense lawyers try to make it seem that there was no crime and too often the woman is dissected in front of the court and they try to minimize the responsibility of the perpetrator. Delving into all of this would be hard. She knows it subconsciously and that's why she says "You're happy....go on with your life". She has likely told herself that she did the right thing by going through with the pregnancy and giving you up in hopes that you would have a better life. Perhaps doesn't know you know what happened. Maybe in some way she is trying to protect you so if you simply say that you have been told she was forced into having sex without all of the gory details it would give her an opening. I don't know or it might backfire and she would slam the door tighter.It's a dicey situation and certainly there are risks all the way around.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I wish there was a magic wand that we could wave to make it better. Unfortunately, I don't even have any magic words.If she was raped in 1965, attitudes were very different then. She may have been made to feel she somehow deserved it. Maybe it's her fault because she was somewhere she shouldn't have been. Maybe it's her fault because her clothes were too revealing. Maybe she felt like damaged goods afterwards. All of these would have been common reactions in that time. She would have felt ashamed, dirty, worthless, unloveable, violated, unsafe, scared.I'm guessing that she never dealt with those feelings. She just buried them and you are a reminder of all of those things. She doesn't want to remember a very painful time in her life. She doesn't understand what you want/ need from her. She gave you life. She may not have anymore to give.I think you need to decide what exactly you really want from her and want you actually need. If you want a relationship, that may never happen and you may need to find a way to accept that and realize it's not about you at all. Maybe you tell her what you'd like but that you understand she doesn't want contact at this time but that your door is open if she changes her mind and wants to contact you. Then move on and let her have space and time to recover.If there's some specific information you want, other than the name of your father, tell her that this is all you need and you'll leave her alone. She'll probably tell you then. If she was raped, there is a very good chance she doesn't know the name of the man who did this. It's normal when we've been deeply wounded to go into self-protection mode. I think that's where she is. She put this whole incident (and to her that's probably what it was, that's how she coped) behind her and now you are trying to bring it up. The new self image she has created for herself is crumbling. If she never coped with what happened to her, then the self-centeredness you see may be a defense mechanism. I understand your need to know where you came from. I understand your desire to have a relationship with your birth family. Sometimes, that's not always possible. My MIL got a similar response from her bmom. Sometimes we can't force someone to do what we think they should do, no matter how much we may deserve what we are asking for. I hope you find peace.