At What Age?

I know it's hard to be patient. And the what if's will drive you crazy. I don't have any words to make it easier, just know I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Sorry this is taking so long to hear back. I think it's kind of like "the watched pot never boils" thing, where when there's something that we're waiting on, time seems to expand. If you're like me, after a little while the mind will invent reasons for the delay, and the longer the delay goes on the more inventive my mind gets. If this gets to carrying on too long, maybe it would be a good idea to drop her a note, just to "be sure that she received the pictures." I put that in quotes because while it's part of your reason for writing again, it's also a nice excuse to give someone a prod if that's necessary. Best, PADJ

I agree that dropping a note just to ask if she got the pictures wouldn't be a bad idea.

Be patient. Being a mom keeps you busy (as you know). While its on the top of your mind and on your radar, it may not be for the adoptive mom. Life is busy. I would not consider it urgent where I have to send pictures back right away.

latinosunshine,No, it's not urgent. But, sending a quick thank you note for the pictures would have been the gracious thing to do.In my opinion, we should attempt to put ourselves in the other person's shoes more often. Yes, everyone is busy. But, she has waited for over a month now for a reply.... Yep, she still needs to be patient, but it really wasn't terribly considerate to leave her hanging like this.

Where is the "LIKE" button on this site :)? I totally, totally, 100% agree!!!!!!!!!!!

Me too. The awareness level needs a shift. I would think that if a person was fortunate enough to adopt a child and made contact with the mother who brought that child into life; they would have some awareness how much that wait might mean to the person. The wait time and it's equivalent relevance might be more clear if perhaps the mother decided to wait an extra month or so before she signed the papers because she was "busy". Imagine how that might feel.

Thanks for all the support everyone! This is really hard - and I do agree that everyone- in the triad and in everyday life needs to be a bit more considerate, myself included :) I would hope that she would understand how hopeful I am. I would also hope that she was authentic and honest in her first letter to me- I mean I was in mine to her and as adults I don't see the need to not be honest. That probably sounds nave but I feel that way. It has been 6 weeks and I don't live on the other side of the world- just half way across the country. I may give it till the end of the month and then write that note- just a "Hope you liked the pictures". I understand busy- I have a 6 year old, a two year old and a full time job - I still think though that I would write a quick email just to say- Thanks for the pictures, I haven't forgotten about you- be in touch soon - kinda thing. I appreciate all the support - you guys all make me smile when I read your responses - it helps lighten my heavy heart for sure. <3

Okay. So it has been over two months and I am again having an anxious, freak out day. WARNING- this post will be disjointed and angry and have foot stomping and whining. I just read something on another thread and I loved it - "If a mother can have enough love for more than one child why can't a child have enough love for more than one mother?" I am again feeling the anger at my son's mother- if she had only respected the agreement we made to keep things open and honest with J. and allow him to know me and his father we wouldn't be in this position now. I wouldn't be hanging by a thread waiting for a response from her. I don't want to hear that she is busy- it is common courtesy to respond to someone when you have made the statement that you would. It is just plain bad manners to say that you will do something and then not do it. Everyone is busy. Even if all I got was a "I am not ready for this" or a "I know I said I would send pictures but he doesn't want me to" I would understand - I really would- but this just leaving me hanging is plain wrong. I thought I had gotten past the anger - now it is all surfacing again. This is like the second slap in the face (or third or forth - but who's counting?!?!) I put myself out there AGAIN and trusted her and I get my feelings disregarded AGAIN. How am I ever going to forgive her for real if she keeps me on this emotional rollercoaster? And what did I do to deserve this? Except give her a beautiful, perfect baby boy to have as her son. Maybe I am the idiot. Maybe I am foolish for always being open and honest. If I didn't want to talk to someone I would tell them and tell them why. I wouldn't tease them. I pray that she has managed to raise him as a better person than she has shown herself to be. Who honestly does this to people? I am kicking myself for letting my guard down- I knew it. I knew I shouldn't trust her - she lied to me before - and never made an effort to get in touch with me - what possessed me to think she had changed? I can only hope that someday my son will want to know his brothers and us. The stress of this waiting is literally making me sick.

PERFECT ANALOGY Murphy! If only I had been brave enough to do that...

I'm sorry. And I do understand why you feel frustrated and angry. I know it doesn't help, but this isn't about you or anything you did. It's about her and her insecurities, her lack of understanding of what it's like to have placed a child, her fear of losing a child. I know it's hard to wait. But unfortunately, I think you'll end up waiting until he's an adult and it's not her choice anymore. I hope at that point, he'll be open to at least getting to know you. You're in my thoughts.

Thank you DMarie. Your posts are always so kind. I appreciate it more than you know. I feel pretty adrift right now.

15 is way too young. A 15 year old has enough uncertainty in their lives. Wait until 18 at the earliest. 18 they're legally an adult.

I would wait until 18. 15 is a turbolant time in life, let alone when someone who... well, under these circumstances. He would have a lot of issues and emotions if his biological... err, person comes back into his life. Especially when he's just a kid right now.

Hey firstmama, I read all the posts and remembered very well how I felt at that age. I am a male adoptee and all I can say is, that if b-mom had wanted to meet, write, or correspond in anyway I would have welcomed her thoughts. I had a lot of trust issues with adults, due to abuse, but they were not my b-parents so the thoughts of having and finding b-mom would have meant a great deal once i got through the overwhelming changes in my life. I am not attempting to influence your decision in any way in regards to whether or not you write a letter. That is a personal decision, and you know best. The 2 main questions adoptees always want to know are, "why did you give me up?" and "did you love me when you gave me up and do you still love me now?" What I suggest, for your evaluation, is that if you write the letter, you share with him the reasons you gave him up, no matter what they are, and that you still love him. Additionally, you are grateful for the a-parents stepping in and caring for him for so long. I would leave the letter open ended. No suggestion of any communication. Let it all come from him. Simply wait to see where it goes. If you and the a-family are on good terms, it might be advisable to contact them and bring them up to date on what your intentions are before you write the letter, so that there are no surprises. Should you decide to write the letter it should be sent, FIRST CLASS, RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED. Send it to what ever name he uses: C/0 "A-mom Address, etc. If the postal service doesn't allow him to sign for it, a-mom can sign, but there is no guarantee he will get it. If a-mom is willing, they can read it together. Bear in mind. They can refuse to sign. In which case the letter will be returned unsigned. I wish you the best.