Adoptive Mom needs some advice.

I think this is a difficult position to be in and I applaud you for seeking advice. How do you handle it when your son does not want to visit with a grandparent, Aunt and Uncle or other family members? Is the choice to visit his or do you talk him through the visit? I think the adopted persons opinions should always be considered in relationships. If you've tried to get to the bottom of his concerns and he is simply not interested, I would communicate that to his first mother. By dodging the issue you could be causing communication problems between the two of you. Perhaps you and her could start slowly to help his comfort level. Let her get familiar to him through emails and then maybe move to Skype or FaceTime...the unknown is scary to many adults, let alone children! I wish you the best!

If I could humbly chime in... I agree that you should be honest with her. I would want to know if there was an issue. I would want to be a part of a win-win solution for all of us. I also agree that after you are honest with her perhaps the two of you could find ways to slowly introduce these visits into his life. I think it is important to push him a little now... My almost 7 year old is very wary of the unknown and of disappointing me. But if I push a little most of the time he sees that he really enjoys whatever it is. When my mom invites him over, he sometimes balks but then I push a little and he has a great time. Maybe if you go with him to a place he enjoys and invite her along and tell him she wants to see his favorite park or whatever and then he sees that you are okay with it he won't be so resistant. Little men are protective of their Mamas :)

From an adoptee perspective, your son did not have a choice in his adoption. It was decided for him by his parents and the state. It is usually very important for a adoptees to assert control over their lives. Yes, he is only seven, but if he doesn't want to see his b-mom he probably really doesn't want to see her. When I was little I did NOT want to see my birthfather, and I hated anyone who forced me to do it. As an adult now, I would never force an adopted kid to interact with a birth family member if he expressed a wish not to. I don't feel that it is the same thing as a kid simply not wanting to go to Great-aunt Suzy's house b/c it smells funny or something like that. Interaction with birthfamily members can really be unsettling for adopted kids, even the ones that are eager to do it. One of these days he may want to have a relationship with his b-mom, but he also may not. The choice is his, now and forever. Again, this is just my perspective, take it for what it is worth. Before forcing anything, even skype, facetime etc, it might be helpful to seek the advice of a pediatric psychologist or someone very familiar with adoption psychology.

I often wonder if adopted children, even as young as 7, somehow feel their amom would be upset if they met their bmom, even if their amom wouldn't be, and clearly expressed that to her child. It is so hard to know for sure, and perhaps other adopted people could speak to that. I think it would be easy to feel that sense of divided loyalty, that somehow it would be "wrong" or there would be some sense of guilt involved for the child if he or she had contact with their birth mother. I don't think there is an easy answer here. Whatever you decided to do (gently nudge your son to have a meeting in a safe, supportive way, or decline to do so at this time), I would be honest with his bmom. I would say you would love to facilitate a visit, but your son has expressed he does not want to and you are concerned if you push him, it will be too upsetting for him. Let her know you will continue to keep that option open for him, and if he ever should have a change of heart, you will be open to facilitating a visit.

Thank you everyone for your input. I've decided to have a talk with mom and let her know what's going on, as gently as possible. For now I am going to have a talk with him to see if there is something deeper to his refusal to meet. I hope he is not doing it because he feels it would hurt me. I want him to have this experience if he really wants it for himself. He's such an awesome little guy. I just love this kid.

Jumping in as an adoptive mom :) Honestly, I think you are giving your son too much power in this scenario as a 7 year old. If he didn't want to meet your mom (grandma) or your sister, you would simply say "It is our family and we are going to grandma's house" -- even if he is subconsciously picking up that this is stressing you out, at age 7 I think you just make it a factual event. On Saturday we are going to the park. We are going to see Sally, your birth mom, that's pretty cool isn't it. NOW saying that -- after you have laid the foundation, if your son at the "age of reason" continues to make the same choice (say between ages 10 and 12 or so) then I DO think you need to respect that -- but honestly at age 5, 6 or 7 he has NO idea what he is refusing. I say that as an adoptive mom who has gone through all those stages already. YOU, as his mom, make all the other decisions that you believe are in his best interests - like going to school, hanging out with extended family, going to a religious service, eating vitamins etc -- THIS is ultimately your decision NOT his at this phase of life. If she is safe, if she is respectable and no risk of harm -- then using his reluctance is a cop out. At least in my books :) He has no way of making an informed decision about his best interests in this regard -- and if you believe that meeting and knowing his birth mom is in his best interests, than as his mother you make that decision.

Something about life is that sometimes we dread something and don't really want to do it, someone makes us do it,and lo and behold, it isn't that bad. I'm with Jensboys, he is 7, you are in charge, not him. At 7 I didn't get to decide who I was and wasn't seeing. If my parents thought they were healthy, we didn't things with them whether we wanted to or not. Heck I remember being a young teenager and being told, don't care if you don't want to do that, you're going to anyway because we said you were. I was starting to manifest anxiety disorder at that point and it did teach me that I could do stuff even if I didn't want to do it.

Considering this was a foster care placement, I just want to say that two of my kids had a lot of anger issues regarding their bparents; even at 7 years of age. They couldn't verbalize everything they were feeling though. Had I forced a visit on them when they didn't want to, I'd have destroyed their trust in me. Their healing and general well being, as well as our family relationship is so much more important than hurting anyone else's feelings, imo.I'd be honest with her and have her start small if you want to encourage a relationship. We always say "baby steps" in reunion and a visit with her really would be more of a reunion for him since it hasn't been fully open. No adult adoptee would tell another to rush into a visit first thing with their bmom, but rather start small with a card, letter, phone call etc. so why we'd encourage it with a child is beyond me. If he responds to the first steps well, then by all means, open it up all the way. Taking cues from your child is important. Just my added 2 cents for the OP to consider.:)

@ Jensboys .... wow, never thought I'd be back here again! lol Good to see that you are still on! For gyspylee .... I've been "reunited" with my birth son for about 6 years via facebook and he doesn't want to talk on the phone or meet me and his reason is, "I just don't need to, I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings and I am so grateful to you, but I want to keep this the way it is right now." Truth is ... It DID hurt! But, just like the day I decided to do what I believed was best for my son, I have to continue in action on that belief. After another several months passed I brought up the subject again casually to which he replied, "It's not just that I love and honor my mom, it's that I don't really "need" to have anything more than our facebook talks. I look forward to you writing me, it makes me feel good. But, other than that, I'm really happy and I'm super busy." Now, this is coming from a 21 year old who is in college who had a FABULOUS upbringing with AMAZING parents, and how can I be upset about that? I do however often wonder how much of his not wanting to meet me has to do with his not wanting to feel confused about his loyalty's, or, for that matter, having to face the emotional aspect of his adoption. If life is good, and he is happy - why would he want to delve into that and put his relationship with his mother at risk? Even if she is supporting it ... a son's love is strong. I agree with Jensboys (girl I love you!), and I agree with several others ... prompt him and start small with a card, a letter, and some photo's. Let him see your physical reaction to that contact so that he is assured he is not hurting you. His cue's will follow from there. Truth is ... as a birthmother ... I'm not upset that my son isn't ready to meet me yet. I'm more relieved that he grew up so loved and is so happy that he doesn't "need" me or to "meet" me ... that nothing else matters as much. There is a divine appointment to God's plans and at such a time as necessary ... you will find the divine grace to move forward in it. And by the way .. way to go Mama ... for reaching out and for being so loving and supporting. :) For purpose, for strength ... for the [URL="http://www.ravensinkwell.wordpress.com"]INKWELL.[/URL] :)