"The Primal Wound"

Let me start by saying I have read the book. I am an adoptive mom and an adoptee (step parent) just so you know where I fit. My opinion would be if you aren't really good friends with amom I don't know that I would start a dialog in the adoption triad with this book or any book. I don't know your relationship but since you want to use the book to express some things it seems its not that close.As an amom I certainly would welcome a letter from DD bmom which talked about bmom feelings and processing emotions related to adoption using the language of this book. I think at the end of the day the only persons feeling, thoughts you can be absolutely sure of are your own so not sure I would engage with a book which might be taken to assign thoughts and feelings to everyone.

I read the book a couple of years ago, and I think there are additional threads on this site that go more in depth on the book as well. I am an adoptee and identified very much with what Verrier was saying in it. Each adoption is different, and if you think it would be a helpful read to share in your adoption situation, I personally don't think that it hurts to show it to the other members of your triad. A note to accompany the book that frames why it made you think of them and how you feel it relates to their situation might help keep it from seeming accusatory or too sharply pointed.

We don't have a good relationship Beachy. We are both guilty of not communicating with one another for the last ten years. I am sure her persepective on why that is the case is 180 degrees from mine. But I recently completely swallowed my pride, in the hopes of re- opening communication with her and my son. I sent a very plesent, non- confrontational, pretty much begging, letter asking that we put the past aside and focus on providing our son with as much love and support as possible. I honestly think that she would gain a lot of persepective from the book - just as I did. I can see SnowWhite's idea- a note enclosed explaining that perhaps it articultes my feelings well and would like her to try and understand things as I see them.

You never know the letter explaining the why of the book could definitely help. Even if she doesn't love it perhaps she will appreciate the effort involved with sending it or dislike it enough to respond. At the very least you will be having a dialog. Good Luck. I will keep an eye out for any update you want to provide.

I think that is the key to being able to 'enjoy' this book or get much out of it. I have had suggesting it to some backfire on me LOL I guess it is easy to take it the wrong way, especially if you are feeling defensive when you read it. I know many adoptees don't always like or agree with it, some just get mad about it. Just the contents of the book can come off as accusatory when someone doesn't want to hear that sort of thing, or don't agree with the theorys. Maybe just suggest the book and why you liked it in the note LOL For myself, it explained so much for me, it changed the way I thought about so many things that I realized I had been confused about when I read it, I'm so glad I read it.

I first read THE PRIMAL WOUND when Nancy Verrier published it in 1992 as her doctoral thesis. I had been in face-to-face reunion for two years by that point -- and had a very solid, strong relationship with my son's mom. I didn't tell her about the book for YEARS after reading it because I instinctively believed it would cause her pain. It's a hard book for many aparents to read and digest. It talks a lot about the primal bond between mother and child while in the womb, and I just felt back in the '90s that it would make her feel like she got punched in the stomach and that I was trying to one-up her. My son's parents did eventually read the book, but it wasn't until our son was in his late 20s or early 30s. They discovered it on their own, and I think that was for the best. It almost always comes back in the first page of search results on Google for adoption-related books, so I figure it's fairly easy to find when one is ready to take it on.

I agree 100% Beth. It is an eye opener for me. I am thankful I found it.

Point taken Raven :) I sometimes forget that she is the gateway to my son- I know this is a very real thing - Just like I am the gateway to the sons I am raising. It can be easy to lose sight of that when my focus is connecting with HIM. I just need to keep reminding myself that if I want my connection with him to be successful, I need to have a good relationship with her TOO. I guess the best thing to do is to wait and see what her response to the letter I sent last week is and go from there.