One mother's story...

I found out I was pregnant three days after my 19th bday. I had a genetic disorder and the doctors had told me that I would never be able to have children. When we found out that I was pregnant, the birthfather felt that I had lied to him, betrayed him, and tried to trap him. He left and never returned. At the time, I didn't know if this was my miracle, my one chance to be a mom or if there had been a mistake and I would have another chance if I gave this one up. I didn't know if there would be health consequences for myself or the baby. If I decided to keep the baby, what kind of a life would he have? What kind of life would I have? I was lost and confused and terrified and elated all at the same time. If I hadn't been told that I was unable to have children, I would have made the decision to give him up. But since I didn't know if I would ever get another chance, in my heart, I knew I had to follow through. Open adoptions weren't really all that common at the time so it truly would have been losing him forever. At the time, I was in the restaurant business working mostly nights and weekends. I didn't want to 'miss' the important times in my son's life like my mom had missed mine. I decided I had to go back to college. Through financial aid, student loans, and some awesome public services, with no support, financial or otherwise, from my son's father or from my family, I moved 5 hours away from everyone that I knew to pursue a dream. Rather than encouraging me, my mom told me that I would be a horrible mother and my son would be raised by strangers (daycare) and would turn out to be a hoodlum and menace to society. I was terrified. I found really cheap housing and arranged all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I worked M-W-F-S-S. I was enrolled in a program where my child care only cost me $.25/week. Yes, a quarter a week for child care! In all honesty, I actually had more income from financial aid and loans, food stamps, the medical card, WIC, and my part time job then I would have had working full time at minimum wage and not going to college. It was doable. We weren't starving (thank goodness for ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwiches) and we had a roof over our heads. It wasn't easy and there were many, many times that questioned my decision, cried, and almost gave up. Then I would look at my sleeping son and know that I had to keep going. I took 18 hours each semester and 12hours each summer session and by the time my son was 4 years old, I had graduated with a BS in accounting and found a great job. I won't lie and say that it was all easy after then, but having a decent income and a stable job definitely helps. After a some false starts and many mistakes along the way, I found my soul mate 4 years ago and am happily married. I have a masters degree now, a wonderful job that I love, and three beautiful children ages 18, 12, and 2. (It turns out that I had been misdiagnosed and I WAS able to have biological children.) My 'hoodlum' son is now a freshman in college studying broadcast journalism! We live in a great neighborhood in an awesome school district and have peanut butter sandwiches when we want them, not because we cant afford anything else. The reason for writing this is to tell you that ANYTHING is possible. Even without support from family, friends, or the birth father, there are resources available to make a better life for yourself with or without a child. The decision I made would not be right for everyone, but it was the right decision for me and looking back, I don't regret it for a second. During my last pregnancy, we were told that it was not medically advisable to have any more children. We instantly started talking about adoption to complete our family. I originally came to this forum looking for referrals on adoption agencies or facilitators that have a track record for showing birthmothers compassion and respect. We are starting the process of finding our future daughter (we currently have three boys) and want to make sure whatever company we work with is birthmother focused. As I was reading through the many posts of birthmothers showing regret at their past decisions and hopelessness about their current options, I knew I had to share my story. I wouldn't want the birthmother of our future daughter to live with pain and regret about her decision because she felt trapped or forced into it or didn't think she had any other options. I truly hope that my story is helpful and at the very least brings someone who truly wants to parent a little glimmer of hope. It is doable. On a side note, if anyone has a positive recommendation about an agency, facilitator, or attorney that truly places the birthmothers first, please feel free to PM me. Thanks so much for your help and I wish you all the best - sorry this post is so long. JS