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This might be long and this is the short version. I found my BM when I was 25. We talk on the phone through the encouragement of her current husband. She didn't want to meet me, and said that I would be ashamed of her plus I don't think her mother had totally forgiven her for being in the "family way" back then and is still alive. I was born in 1970. We talked and she didn't want to send me pictures or even meet me (painful) because we lived within an hour of each and was afraid I might share the pics and someone would recognize her. I told her that I wouldn't contact her again unless she initiated it. I have tried to keep my word and be respectful of her wishes. She actually called my parents house a year later and left a message on my bday saying she knew it was my bday and thinking of me.
Fast forward to 22 years later and FaceBook. I found my cousin on FaceBook 2 years ago. I came out to him and he embraced me. We never met even though we were close in physical location. He confirmed my existence throught his father/mother. I have a half sister and brother on FaceBook. Last summer I friended my half sister and she accepted but never asked who I was. I am feeling very guilty about this and that it might appear decpetive. She is going through some rough times now (sepertation, MS disease, and says her parents arent supporting her). I really want to tell her who I am but I don't want to ruin peoples lives. If it were me, I would want to know I have a sister/brother out there.
I did message my cousin about this but I wanted the opinions of others like me.
Any ideas would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long.
Debbie
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I really don't know. It is wrong that your siblings don't know about you. But, by telling your b-sis who you are, you could cause a rift (or bigger rift) within her family.Your b-sis is going through so much right now. On the one hand, she probably could use some emotional support. On the other hand, this family secret might be too much for her to bear right now.Your cousin hopefully knows more about your b-sis's situation and how she is getting along with her parents. I would definitely listen to his advice carefully. Without knowing these individuals, there are just too many variables for me to give a solid opinion.But, I wanted you to know that I feel for you, and I hope things work out.
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I actually did talk to him late last night. He said she is having a really rough time and not sure how she would take the news. I agree it wouldn't be easy on her or her family. I guess when you think about it is there really ever a right time to reveal just a secret to anybodies family? I think I will wait. I have always been torn about this anyway. How much do loyalty do we out our b-moms? I in no way want to hurt anyone, but exposing the secret most often will, but how long do I put it off because of that. Ohhhh those nagging feelings. :D
I agree with you that there is never a perfect time to reveal this secret, but there are definitely better and worse times to reveal it.My two cents: wait until your sister is more emotionally stabilized. She is going through a lot of life changes right now. As far as loyalty to our mothers, I don't know. My mother was an only child and both of my grandparents are dead. I do have half-siblings that she and her husband do not want me to contact. I am actually okay with it. I found my siblings on FB, and after reading many of their posts, I concluded that I have absolutely nothing in common with them. Thus, it would make no sense for me to disrupt their family solely to inform them of my existence. I do believe that you have a right to let your siblings know of your existence. Yes, you may hurt your mother. But, then, again, it's been decades since you've talked to her. It doesn't look like your relationship with her is going anywhere. . . . I really don't know. It's tough.
I would wait a bit longer before revealing who you really are to your sister. Emotional stress can cause a HUGE exacerbation of various symptoms for patients afflicted with multiple sclerosis. Do you know if she has the more common relapsing type of MS or the more uncommon type called primary progressive MS? If she has the relapsing type, I'd wait until her symptoms ease up some or she goes into remission. If she has the primary progressive type of MS, I would still wait until the emotional chaos of separation and problems with her parents are resolved somewhat.