Telling the kids...

Miss I can't think of her name, Sunny Patch on Nickelodeon is one of my favorite things to do with adoption. What a great blended family that is! It might be a little young for a six year old, but it is a great way to start talking about different families.

I think you guys are right. If we present it as a new fact he is learning and we do so in a positive, interesting way he will be totally fine. Kids are so much more accepting of and positive about things than adults - it is hard to remember that. I was just thinking about when I had to tell him his grandparents were getting divorced and I told him just matter of factly and he said "So Gramma and Papa aren't going to live together anymore but I will still see them both?" I said "Yes" and he goes "Okay, thats fine" LOL And he really has been okay with it cause the love is there so he isn't worried. Of course, adoption is a whole different story- he has a brother who we "gave away". Explaining the whys are gonna be tough and facing our own failures are even more difficult. I will need some back up resources for sure. But I do think the fact that he has a brother will be more than fine and if we talk about him with love he will automatically love him. I am gonna wait till my sons Mom sends some info so I can tell him things about him and show him who he is. The explaining why we don't see him won't be hard for now since we live so far away. Belleinblue- I will have to google that and check it out, we don't have cable so I have never seen it- Thanks for the tip :)

firstmama, I don't know if you've already made a decision on telling your children or not, but I wanted to chime in: When I was in therapy a few years back, I was very aggressively interested in wanting my children (2 boys) to know of their much older half-sister (even though we've had no contact). My therapist suggested that by age 10 or so, children may be slightly less accepting than before they turn 10. I wish I could remember more of the conversation, but I filed it away. I have still not told my boys and they are now 9 and 7. I think that until the situation changes, and my daughter reaches out to us, I'm going to keep my silence. My children are very sensitive, and they would just not understand why their half-sister doesn't want to meet them or talk to them. I'm not afraid necessarily of having the conversation, but I am afraid of the hurt they will feel at not knowing when or if they will ever meet their sister? I guess for me, I believe I am sparing them pain, and hoping they will understand if I tell them much later in life. I would encourage you to trust to yourself in doing what you think is best for your children, and just consider all of the ramifications. One question I have to ask a lot sometimes to myself is: "Does opening up to my kids about my daughter serve my kids' best interest, or my own best interest in seeking support, and /or validation from them that I'm a good dad?" I hope this does not sound judgemental. Just giving you a different point of view - all the best!

My therapist had also recommended a book that I could read with my kids that would help ease in to the discussion of birthparents and adoption. I have not read it, but it is highly recommended on Amazon: Beginnings: How Families Come to Be - by Virginia Kroll I may have been more open a few years ago about opening up to my kids, but my wife remains completely uninterested, and feels most likely threatened by a potential relationship with a child (daughter is 22) that is not hers. Without her support, it is a doomed effort to prepare for a reunion that may never happen. I will revisit it again with her later when I'm hoping she will feel less threatened.

I am in a similar situation to BirthDad1991, and not just because we have almost exactly the same forum name.I have recently contacted my birth daughter through a confidential intermediary. At this point things are very preliminary and I don't know if she is interested in much more than updated health information. It's entirely her call and I respect that.I have a son who is 7. He's a smart kid and has friends who are adopted, but he's also quite sensitive about things. He has asked about having a brother or sister, but that is not in the cards for us anymore. Knowing this, I am very reluctant to bring anything up at all about his adoptee sister unless I get some sense that she wishes to be involved because I know that it will cause my son nothing but hurt if he were to learn he has this big sister out there that we "gave away" when she was an infant and that now may not want to be a part of his life (for reasons which are entirely her own and I don't presume to question).I suppose the bottom line for me is that you look to your kids - you know them best, right :) - and decide what you think they can handle. For me, if my birth daughter chooses not to contact me, then I cannot envision myself ever having a discussion with my son about it. Certainly not before he's well into adulthood. Say a prayer, and do the best you can. I think that's about all anyone can hope to do.

Agreed in totality, bDad1991. I'm sure that for some children that are emotionally mature, it is a natural and logical decision to disclose the truth about other blood-related siblings at a young age (God, that is such an odd descriptor - in my mind they are brother and sister!). These types of children become fascinated by this new discovery, and allow their imaginations to run wild at what the other sibling must be like, etc. They either develop long running passions to eventually find this lost sibling, or lose interest and everything is still sort of okay. I'm generalizing, and probably about to be taken to task right after posting this. My apologies in advance!I know my kids. Their fascination is short lived, but they do not respond well to the absence of a loved one, either living or dead. And they would perceive and accept their sister into their bright little hearts as a loved one - guaranteed. I won't see those hearts broken at this age - I will not do it.Sometimes I think I will address the topic when they are teenagers in high school so that they are careful and take all necessary precautions to prevent a teen pregnancy. Then I think, "how horrible - to disclose to them that they have a half-sister in sort of a negative way to promote safe sex, abstinence, etc."? Clearly, I don't have it figured out, but I am thinking about it and will continue to do so until I have confidence that I will not be hurting them emotionally.

LOL I have been away for a couple weeks so excuse the lag in reply but don't think you are the first birth parent to have this cross your mind! I do know now that if either of my boys were in the situation I was under no circumstances would I allow them to sign away their parental rights to anyone but me and their dad. I really feel confident about talking to them about it. My 6 year old is crushed when he finds out he has been lied to and I just can't face that. My two year old could care less but I wouldn't want to exclude him. I have thought and thought about it and I really appreciate both of you Dad's sharing your feelings and perspective. I will definitely share how it goes! Maybe if I make mistakes others can learn from them :)

I gave my youngest son up for adoption almost 25 years ago. At the time I had a 2 & 4 yr old at home, since I was pregnant it was kind of hard for them not to know since the baby didn't come home with me. They would tell me they missed him & I would have to comfort them. But I think overall it was better that they knew about it.

I have talked about this on much earlier posts to other members. My kids were 9 6 and 4 when I told them they had a sister. She was 18 when we reunited and I did know we would meet when I told them. They were so excited they danced around the yard singing..."we've got a sister we've got a sister!!!" I told the truth...I didn't have enough money to look after her.

Honestly Susieloo - right now the only downside I can see is that I don't know for sure if they will get to meet him or if he will want to know them. But I kinda feel like that is between them in the long run- I can't control it, all I can do is give them the knowledge and let them work it out. I can't change what I did. The oldest does know about his two brothers I am raising and I sent him pictures of them. We'll see how my two at home react- I am eager to share it with them.

I kinda think the younger the better...within reason of course!!! My bdaughter has a sister ( also adopted ). It just so happened her birthmum came from the same town I did, had daughters at the same school I did, and also worked at the same college I did. I have got to know her a little and she has told me when she told her two daughters of their older sister at 12yrs and 14yrs the 14yr old reacted very very badly. Called her a liar etc etc. Their relationship has never been the same since and that was just over 10 yrs ago. It caused a real rift. It is only one example but quite a tragic one. I reckon keep it simple and don't load them with too much information. Good luck and looking forward to hear the response they give. PS I am from New Zealand hence the mum instead of mom. Someone once said I even write with an accent so I try to avoid too much of our jargon!!

I'm going to come at this from two angles - first as an a reunited adoptee. My birthmom did not tell my half siblings about me until I made contact. Her concern was that if she told them about me and I never reached out, they'd be crushed (especially my sister, she's always wanted a sister!). As a birthmom, I'm also at the point where I'm struggling with when and how to tell my sensitive 5 year old son. It looks like contact with my almost 15 year old daughter may be occurring soon, so he'll have to be told, just not sure how to do it. But, it helps that he has a frame of reference since he understands that I was adopted. Do your kids watch the PBS show Dinosaur Train? If not, check it out... it's about a family of pteranadons with an adopted T-rex. It's really cute... and it definitely helped my son understand a bit about adoption, although he told everyone I was hatched from an egg for the longest time... LOL

I did this when J was 6. well, for me it was 2 steps. The first, explaining that she actually has 3 dads: the one on her birth certificate (who she lived with until she was 4, aka my cousin), my DH, and the biological father. She didn't understand the DNA aspects (how is he my dad if i never met him?), but she took it well I needed to do THAT in order to explain how she has a 22 year old sister I'm glad I did this. They have not met (her sister is in rehab), but she mentions it form time to time. Shes excited to be an aunt (her half sister has a daughter J's age) my advice - introduce the concept early an informally. it doesn't matter if they comprehend everything right away the subject will reappear (just last week, J asked my how her brother could be her cousin.. we went over this when she was 4. she remembered, but now is finally ready to understand the links) Its only a big deal if you make it a big deal, kwim?

i haven't read all the responses, but aren't the kids in despicable me adopted? you might be able to start the conversation with them after the end of the movie

I found out it was hard for me to explain, and for my 7 yr old to figure out how everyone is connected - without knowing about sex. Had to have the DNA talk first, like wcurry LOL We'd had the general explanations. He always knew his mom was adopted, that there were unknown relatives out there, other grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... When I found my families he was 7. Explaining how all of the people in his family were connected to him was exhausting for a while! Sometimes when I thought he surely "got it" he'd say something that would clearly reveal that he was still a bit confused. There was a lot of talking about all of the feelings, I was surprised at the degree and similarity of their feelings to mine. It was much of the same stuff for an adoptees kids as for the adoptee - so I'd imagine since these things seem to work somewhat the same - first parents and their other children might find some of the same feelings (to a lesser degree) to navigate. My son is 19 now, I'm pretty sure he gets it :rolleyes: we still talk a lot about navigating relationships and feelings with everyone in all the families. Sometimes even the great and wonderful feelings can be heavy. Just like with adoptees, for adoptees kids and siblings of adoptees (and probably everyone else involved!) it's an ongoing process of understanding as we age. Like mine, my sons feelings were hurt when I had to tell him that his grandmother was having a difficult time saying yes to contact with us. My daughter, ten years older than my son, also got hurt feelings. We did have contact with my mother later, and they have met and our relationships with her continue to grow. My kids and I have stuck together pretty tight thru the good and the bad during our reunion, infinite deep conversations full of trust have brought us very close... The hurt feelings were hard, and they were very similar feelings to mine, but they ended up gaining more from it than I ever imagined. In hindsight I can see the things they learned from it, other than knowledge of relatives. I can see how much closer we became as mother and children. They learned more of how to handle grief, anger, injustice, finding forgiveness, empathy, understanding, patience and compassion with others. And probably much more from our reunion that I am not thinking of now. My mother did not tell her other children, or her husband, about me until I found her when I was 40. Her children had children of their own by then.... She still hasn't told her only son. And she doesn't know that he found out about it recently, and I promised to give him time to tell her he does know, before I tell. Secrets... In my experience I'd agree that it is much much better to tell as early as possible. There is a lot to process for one's self, no matter which corner in the triad the child could be in. It takes time, and I am not sure if it is so fair to spring such a thing on anyone at a much later date, especially at a time when reunion may be about to occur. That's a lot to think about and react to in a short time. If it's no big deal, then it's no big deal, even tho it's a big deal! Not telling is keeping a secret. Sometimes bruised hearts aren't nearly as bad as the poison secrets can bring. (Sorry, please know that my opinions are formed while suffering from severe cryptophobia :) the fear of secrets) You can bet the farm that I did use the story of my beginnings during the many contraception discussions with our kids.:flowergift: