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We are in the middle of adopting our three foster children. They have lived with us for many, many months and are completely comfortable with us being "mom" and "dad" and have come to terms with the adoption. Our oldest, a 9-year old girl, desperately wants an open adoption, which we had planned all along. She just wants to be able to still see Mommy A. once in a while and be able to keep a relationship with her. We believe this would benefit her greatly and be the best thing in the long run. Openness and occasional visits would also work for our 3-year old. However, our 6-year old son comes unglued at every visit. He never once believed that he would not be going back home to Mommy A. His therapist thinks that he will never really attach to us if we allow for any possibility that mommy A would still be in his life.
I agree that the 6-yo cannot handle visits. I agree that he needs the certainty of a final decision. But how do I balance his needs with the exact opposite needs of his sister? How am I being fair to my children by doing what is right for one, and wrong for the other?
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Can the 9-year-old understand that she can only have phone or letter contact for a period of time so that her brother can adjust? 6-year-old would probably be resentful if he learned that his sister was getting visits and he was not, so that's a tough boat to be in. However, the 9-year-old is probably old enough to understand that there needs to be a limit for awhile, and that it doesn't mean she will be cut off forever.
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Our situation is a little different because visits had been cut off a year before we got the kids. Our oldest, then 9, really needed to know that birthmom was okay. The whole adopted forever thing scared him of never knowing about her or seeing her again. But the younger 2, 5 and 4 at the time, didn't even remember who she was when shown a picture. For them, she was/is a stranger. They were only 1 and 2 when taken into care and only saw her once a month or so most of their lives. So I contacted mom and told her I knew it was important to keep contact so the kids could know she was okay and I am willing to send updates and photos a couple of times a year. I've set up a facebook page that's just between she, a bio aunt, and me. I post pictures and we can stay in contact that way.
I can tell our oldest that she's doing well. He can see what she says about the photos. And that seems like enough for now. If/when the younger ones ask, I will have the contact already set up and they can see that she never forgot them and what she said throughout the years. I don't plan on having physical contact for now due to distance and the fact the younger ones don't need it. I want plenty of time for us to be a family, bonded and secure, before I'm willing to open any type of direct communication between her and our children.