She thinks she's Cinderella!

Oh dear. That would be hard to take, indeed.

There is a lot written on the "Cinderella Complex" If I remember right there is a book with this title. Basically it can be a simple fear of independence, and the (often unknown) wish of wanting to be taken care of, and sometimes a reason behind why women stay in harmful or less helpful relationships. I remember reading about it when studying about victims and survival responses - how to get from surviving to thriving sort of stuff. Try not to take it personally, I know it must be very hard not to. Good luck with trying to avoid this type of primal story theme in movies and books LOL especially kids stuff. Maybe if you could stick with the dictionary and encyclopedia...! :rolleyes:

Yes, but not so extreme. Ours is a boy (now 13) who is less verbal so I think it doesn't show up as much, but the attitude is definitely there. One thing that has been helpful for us is to not let him be angry (or in trouble) alone. Alone angry time causes crazy ideas to grow (and some holes in the wall). It isn't easy to do and we don't always do it. Sometimes he can just sit on a stool nearby, sometimes we have to hold him to keep him safe until he calms down, and sometimes we'll just go hang out with him in his room and provide a calming influence while he rants and raves about the most ridiculous and illogical things. We don't necessarily even have to talk or listen. I can bring a book and read for a while. My presence is still calming. I'll normally talk it through with him when he is calm before I leave. Its also good for us to talk it through with him again later when he is fully in a right state of thinking.

Yeah... I made a mistake of allowing our DD to watch "Once Upon a Time"... NEVER AGAIN!. She started pretending and said she had a "dream" that she was some cross between Cinderella and Rapunzel and that I was the evil queen and my husband was a dragon that kept her locked in a tower. I had to explain to her that the chores she was doing were due to her poor choices and behavior (hassle chores at the time), and not because I was being mean. I told her that if she does not want to do the chores I so kindly gave to her to make up for her behavior, she's happy to go ask the neighbors if she can earn money from them! Her little fantasy continued for about 2 weeks- we had to reinforce constantly- anytime I made her happy or let her do something, after she said, "oh thanks, mom!", I'd say "oh, but I'm just some evil queen who won't let you do anything..." or "Lucky for you I'm your awesome mom and not some evil queen", etc., and then she'd reply, "No, that was just a 'dream'". And eventually, it dissolved.

Well, she has a creative imagination. I think that's a pretty normal reaction for a RAD kid and I would assume the stepmom thing is simply to push your buttons. I can see where all of this would drive you batty. I think I'd walk around singing show tunes from Cinderella rather then trying to reason. I'm not surprised she doesn't learn from being sent to her room since kids with attachment disorder to not have cause and effect thinking. You might take a look at Katherine Leslie's coaching approach (she should have a website). Because these kids don't have normal thinking, they often need to be taught responses that are obvious to the rest of us. It might be helpful.

You may have read this book already, so it may be redundant, but there is a book called Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray. It talks about how kids who were neglected or traumatized at a young age actually have a part of their brain that did not develop properly. It says that their brains only can store negative memories and high stress memories because that is what they used to require for survival. my 16 year old has been having this problem too, where she tells everyone how much of a control freak I am and I order her around all the time and never do anything fun. This is because I ask her to do the dishes at home and has continued even after week long vacations away, so I know how frustrating that is. This book suggests making a calendar of positive events that you have done together and review it every day so that it teaches their brain to hang on to the positive memories and not only negative ones. You may have tried this already, but hope that is helpful. This book has been pretty amazing in pinpointing every problem I am having with my teenager, so I would recommend it if you haven't read it yet.

She may never think of you as her mom, until she finds out her parents wont be there when she grows up. Also she pretty much a kid napped victim, since she was legally taken away from her parents. So that's how her body may be reacting. Right now she's hoping to be saved by someone, because in her mind you represent the kidnapper. That's the sad thing about adopting from foster care. This is how I felt growing up, but I kept it bottled up. Maybe since she feels free to tell you this, It might help. Fingers crossed.

That actually makes a lot of sense! I have not read this one. She has a scrapbook. Maybe I should have her get it out more often. It is always a positive thing for her. Thank you.

I sort of get what your saying... They would have stayed with their grandparents if they had been given a choice. But, they were completely abandoned by both parents. No one took them, they were left. And then the grands sort of did the same thing. They were too old to take care of them so they gave up the right to adopt them. While I do understand how you would feel that way, we in no way kidnapped our kids. They had no where else to go. There were no parents there to take them. They left. So, if a child is sitting alone in an empty house with no food and someone comes and says "hey come with me and I will take care of you". Is that kidnapping?

Legally No, But their bodies react like they were kidnapped, no that feeling will probably never go away. So yes they were basically taken away by strangers and given to other strangers. That's why I call it the legal kidnapping.

I think Mz Crazy has a good point. I sort of did the same thing too. I gravitated to story themes like Cinderella, Ugly Duckling, Bluebeard, other fairy tales and Disney movies my whole life. Kidnapping themes, abandonment themes, me or other people being lost or separated and searching themes. I found some kind of odd comfort in this type of deep primal fantasy thinking. It wasn't so long ago that I sort of figured out why. Which hit me as odd, because it really was so simple, just hard to explain! Like your daughter, I wasn't kidnapped. I am sure she knows it just like I did/do. But knowing that and feeling it are different things. We can use all of the sugar coated words we want. We hear this one all the time - My mother may not have abandoned me, but often it felt like she had, she was gone, for whatever reason. She and our entire family were gone, I was left alone. If that's not being abandoned, I'm not sure what is. I was given to new parents, I was not free to come and go, I had to stay there and do what they said. (this can bring some frustration and anger ! even if you don't want it) I was an outsider who was let in, and given no real choice to stay or go, or how to be. I felt lost. It's a lot to process. Your daughter was abandoned by her parents. People took her away. She was given to you. She must adapt. I freaked a little when I learned about Stockholm syndrome, it hit a little too close to home for me! Still today I feel that I would be very good at being a cooperative and helpful kidnapee. I could easily fit right in and join them, if I wanted to. I really think it could be a good thing that she is expressing these feelings so that you can see what she is likely dealing with inside. It's got to be confusing for her. By showing you the Cinderella theme feelings like she has, she could be trying to let you know where she is in her attempt to adapt. And maybe without knowing it, she is really asking for help with all of this confusing madness some of us find to sort out in our own heads. Now the hard part, what to do to help her process this in a better and new way? For me, the only way was through the muck of it, I tried going around, diverting, avoiding, it didn't work.

I should have included the wish for rescue that goes with this thinking, which you basically did, but we aren't supposed to say it like that. Any type of rescue in any story can relate as well, no matter which character is doing the rescue, or in need of the rescue, rescue is there to be pondered, it's included in the theme. And the victim feeling, it's in there too. Misery and Misunderstood love company, and if the story is about feeling understanding, sympathy, etc. for the victim, all the better. It can be quite comforting, which makes it hard to change that kind of thinking. Sorry I can't explain this any better :o I too like the positive things in the scrapbook/calendar idea. Anything that will help to move away from the victim thinking.

Doh, sorry Mom but I can't quit thinking about you and your DD. You've kind of stumbled into my realm with the Cinderella thing. Old habits die hard :) After all the time I've spent thinking there, I have to share. I know many adoptees that have spent plenty of time in that realm too, it's sort of normal, or not out of the ordinary at least. I just can't stop thinking about your DD in the beginning of this "Cinderella Exploration" That really is what it is. So try not to take the things she says personally. She's studying. She's looking for information, she's exploring it all to see how it all fits together. She probably doesn't know that yet :)