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We adopted from FC a year ago (on 4/2). Mom had been in prison, and got out shortly before we finalized. The kids have not seen her in 4 years - since AD was 5 and AS 2. AS has no memory of her. AD has the fond memories (but recalls some of the bad stuff - she doesn't know/remember the entire history of investigations). We have never met her - rarely spoke to her on the phone (1st year in prison), and I sent monthly updates at her request while they were FKs.At Christmas, I sent her a photo card to the only address I had and asked her to email me if she wanted to keep in contact. I have not heard from her even though return address is the same I sent card to. (birth mom lives about 10 hours away, and has not seen younger half-brother since her release either)Then, around St Patrick's Day, half-brother's paternal grandparents (my kids know, visit, & consider their grandparents - they help facilitate visits with half-brother who lives with his dad) said mom sent cards to her house (mom lived there before prison with half-brother's dad). I dont like that mom put grandma in the middle rather than contacting me directly.Of course, grandma respects our relationship and that we are parents of the kids and gave the cards to me (and the one for half-brother to his dad) rather than directly to the kids. I opened them. Overall, she was appropriate - apologized to AD for having to go through all this, told them she loved them and missed them, then told them they could call her anytime and included her phone number.AD is not emotionally ready to handle talking to her mom. She gets really big feelings between Christmas and her birthday and acts out a LOT because she has a hard time talking about her feelings. Until we feel she is in a place where she can talk about that stuff, we would like to keep it to letters & photos. How can I set boundaries with birthmom to help with this process? She needs to know that as her parents, we need to be the ones to make decisions about safe/appropriate contact. I dont want communication to go through grandparents as I feel it puts them in a tight spot. I would love for kids to get pictures of her, their older half brothers, etc. But I want to balance all of this with respect for her feelings, etc. So far, everything I have written sounds harsh/cold, which is not my intention. Any ideas? Help!
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I don't think it is cold at all. It is about respecting you as their parent. The decision for them to call should not be put on the childrens shoulders. it is your decision and she needs to learn to respect that. While I dont have any foster kiddos yet....I do have a VERY over bearing grandma who tends to be tricky and sneaky...she will call and ask to talk to the kids and tell them they need to come visit that weekend. KNOWING we have plans...or KNOWING that she lives 3 hours away and it is hard to bring them up on a whim....but by her doing that. it makes us the bad guys to the kiddos when they say they cant go up there....
I know this isnt nearly the same as your situation....but I just wanted to share because if you think you are being cold with a woman who neglected her children in some way and has chosen not to make contact up until this point..i must be really cold to get mad aout this w my mother in law. lol.. stay strong..i know it is hard...but being someone who was abused as a child..i wish someone had steped up to be the adult and put me first!!
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Nip this in the bud now. No adult has a separate relationship with my minor children, adopted or not not.
Contact with my minor children goes through my husband and/or me.
Write back--stick to facts. The children are adopted, you as their parents will make decisions about what is best for them. All mail needs to come addressed to you and DH. You can save letters, etc. until you feel your children are old enough to deal with the emotions the contents will bring. You certainly will decide about phone calls, not the children and not the birthparents.
You are absolutely right to expect that grandparents should not be in the middle. I applaud them for giving you the cards and not the kids. That was definitely an attempt to end run around you.
Please do continue to send the updates for the sake of your children. The will appreciate your generosity when they are adults.
Just set out clearly that you appreciate the cards for your children, but that because the children have issues you can not give them the cards with any type of information about contacting her directly and in the future keep all contact strictly between you and her.
She may not be able to understand why and what this type of contact does to them. Sometimes they are so blinded by their own feelings, they fail to understand the children can have horrible results from contact. They just assume the kids will be all happy and smiles. Explain clearly what is appropriate, so if its ok for her to tell them she loves them, then let her do that. Do not let her put things like apologizing for her actions. She can do that when they are old enough, but right now, no way. Make sure she understands this isn't about her, it's all about the kids.
I agree no direct contact unless and until a very healthy respectful relationship is built through you the parents but I would take a slightly different look at it....maybe she is not trying to circumvent you but is trying to be respectful and go through the Grandparents....taking baby steps to try out this new role/relationship. Before taking offense to it I would try and see why she went this route....maybe she doesn't have consistent email or maybe she thought email was too cold and impersonal.
Personally I don't think that apologizing for her actions to the kiddos is wrong - often times the kids feel things are their fault and for my kiddos it was very important for them to hear very early on in contact that their birthDad was sorry for his actions and that it wasn't their fault.
I absolutely would not let her send her phone number to the kiddos - could you blank that out or put stickers over it or something if you still want to show the card to the kids?
I would try and write to her or to call her and have a gentle conversation about what will work and what doesn't. Maybe explain that all contact will go directly from her to you and that you prefer cards to be addressed {in an envelope} directly to you to open first and that you would like to have xyz happen.
Sometimes there is no malicious intent but just two sets of people trying to do the right thing but each with a different perspective. It is a tricky dance in open adoption but with some honest conversation between the adults maybe she and you can build that relationship one step at a time. Then you can decide if it is malicious or just a lack of understanding or communication.
Remember that she is floundering too and this is a terribly difficult role for her to learn/know/be in. She is trying and that is hopefully something that you both can build on for the children's sake.
Good luck....sm
I would write her back thanking her for contacting you. I'd gently ask her to go through you rather than grandma and let her know what your expectations are as far as contact/boundaries.
Is there a reason why you don't want birthmom to send to the grandparents? If the grandparents are very supportive of you and help keep contact with other birth family members why can't she help be the middle man with birthmom until some time has passed and you have begun to develop a relationship with her yourself?
If you do choose to ask her to send to you directly than I would open a p. o. box to do so. You don't want them coming unexpectedly to your home and having the kids find them. Having a po box will allow you to pick them up when you feel ready to and will allow you to read through them first to make sure they are appropriate. It may not matter as much now while they are still young but they will quickly grow and it will be harder to change later asking her to send it to a po box than if you start off doing it from the beginning.
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I have drafted a nice but firm letter to her that will get sent next week. I have signed up online for the PO box, but need to go get the keys tonight. That way I can include it in the letter.
We dont want contact to go through grandma because it makes her very uncomfortable. She is not related to birthmom - she is the paternal grandmother of our kids half brother. And she really doesn't like birth mom. I think if her son could raise half brother and never had to deal with birth mom again grandma would be really happy. We also dont think it is fair to put anyone in the middle of contact.
We dont want her appologizing because she isn't appologizing for her actions, she is saying "I'm sorry for the situation you're in". So we've asked her to wait on that. I suggested things that she could write about that I'm sure the kids would like to know, and the parts that we feel are not appropriate. So, we'll see.
Sunshine - thank you for reminding me about different perspectives. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in where I'm at that I forget to look at it from other perspectives... so I appreciate the reminder. :)