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I am going to try to keep this short but note that this is all very new to me so I probably don't even know the basics.
BACKGROUND:
We are currently in the process of adopting a 4 year old boy. He has been in foster care for two years with his sister who is currently 6 years old. She was moved from the foster home to a separate placement back in Dec and now they are being adopted separately.
Details of moves:
Both children were removed two years ago. Initially they went through two foster homes within two months. The this foster home is the 4 year olds currently placement. Overall from what I can see she seems to be a very good foster mom. The 4 year old kisses and hugs her. She says he likes to cuddle with her. She finds his behavior to be difficult, sometimes aggressive, and generally rough. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and is currently on meds.
Our history with the 4 year old:
We had him on respite for four days in Dec. He was hyper and sometimes difficult but overall we enjoyed him.(No meds at this time)
Feb we had him again for respite for one week. He was on his meds and his behavior was much easier. (I have always been against meds before becoming a foster parent but I do see the benefit for this little one) At this time we found out he was adoptable and put in an inquiry.
We have currently had him for five days as part of the transition to our home. We have had some minor fights among the children but overall it has been very easy.
Over these past says and most importantly this last one he has shown me affection. He even initiates it at times. Last night he told me he loved me too last night for the first time. He makes good eye contact. He is not overly affectionate and does not seem to be putting it on as I have seen before. (I had one RAD kid and there is a huge difference in real affection and fake IME.)
SIGNS OF GOOD ATTACHMENT:
He still calls his foster mom MOM and me Megan. He did not just jump into calling me mom to try to make me happy.
He has slowly worked up to more affection. He did not go right into hugging or kissing me. He has only just started to allow it and occasionally initiate it.
He makes and keeps good eye contact when talking.
I have not seen manipulative behaviors.
QUESTION:
If he is already showing appropriate affection what else do I look for to know if we are having attachment problems?
I have been doing a lot of reading about older child adoption which the consciences seems that all older children will have problems. I am not seeing that. He had some behavior issues with hyperactivity but they are generally mild. It is nothing like the RAD kid I had and I want to be sure I am not missing something.
I guess I am asking "Is this too good to be true"?
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It sounds pretty good. You call it an older-child adoption but in my book he really isn't that old. There are bound to be some problems but a 4 year old is less likely to have well developed coping skills to hide behind. The current foster mom says difficult, aggressive, rough... You can ask for more details. That could be describing an average boy or it could be describing something more that you are yet to see. It is really hard to know because everyone sees things differently.
His hyperactivity could be associated with anxiety rather than ADHD. After he has really settled in it might be worth testing that. We're 5 for 5 on former foster kids diagnosed and treated for ADHD an 0 for 5 on those who actually have it.
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This could be just who he is (good outcome) or he could be honeymooning. I'd talk to the foster mom more about his difficult behaviors and figure out if you can handle the behaviors she describes. Different children react differently. It could very well be that he will attach securely to you. Good luck!
Thank you for the replies.
From what foster mom says his behaviors are typical of what we have experience. He gets difficult and a little unruly when out in public. This is her biggest issue with him right now. He will come to a point where he just will not listen and be quiet. However, I have found if you intervene before he escalates and tell him "I can see you are feeling wild, I need you to calm down" he will comply about 80% of the time. I have a bio healthy three year old boy and although my son is a little bit better behaved its not a huge difference.
I do not know if he has ADHD or not but I do see an improvement with the meds. He really could not finish a task prior to the meds. If I said pick up your toys he would start and in 30 sec he would forget what he was doing and start doing something else. This would repeat many times before he would finish the task. Now I can say okay pick up the toys and he often is able to finish without reminders. I really want to get a second opnion though either way because he is crashing after taking the meds.
The first time I had with w/ meds he was taking it three times a day and no crashing. Now he is taking it twice a day and about half and hour later he falls asleep and you cannot wake him up.