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This will sound totally insensitive and downright terrible and mean, but I am wondering if it is better for both my adopted son and my family to call Social Services and see what our options are in getting him placed elsewhere.
Let me explain: I have a 7 yr old bio child and adopted a 2 yr old last year, who is now 3. I am prego (not sure how that happened; we were told we wouldn't be able to concieve). Prior to adopting AP (RAD child), we were a very happy family; now, I would say we are barely surviving and everyone is miserable. I have a health condition that is made worse with stress and my health, and the baby, has suffered tremendously even to the point of hospitalization.
AP is very unhappy at our house. He is violent and full of rage. Lately, he gets home from daycare and spends most of his time in his room having horrible tantrums. He has abused the animals and bullies kids at daycare. He even choked his daycare teacher! He is constantly manipulating everyone he meets and when I touch him, he pretends that I just hurt him severely.
I take him to an attachment counselor and have fought for him to get a speech therapist, behavioral therapist, and other services. I have spent hundreds of hours researching RAD and we use Nancy Thomas' advice for parenting. Today, his therapist acknowledged that we may not be a great fit for him (b/c we expect a lot out of our children).
I am a very caring Christian Mom and have always taught my kids that you can't even give an animal back b/c they are part of the family. Prior to going through this war with AP, I would have read this and thought that I was the most evil, awful person in the world. However, I don't know if we are helping him and I know that he is making our lives miserable. Any advice or suggestions? Thank you so much!
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I haven't been there, but I feel for you. I hope that you can find the answer that will be best for everyone. You'll be in my thoughts.I'm sure one of the ladies that has more experience will comment soon. I'm hoping Linny will see your post.Also, check out the forum on disruption support for others who have been dealing with similar issues. [url]http://forums.adoption.com/disruption-support/[/url]
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Is this therapist a RAD therapist? (if not, there are several in your state [url=http://www.attachment.org/therapists/find-a-therapist-in-your-area/wisconsin-attachment-therapists/]Attachment Disorder | Nancy Thomas Parenting | Attachment.org | Reactive Attachment Disorder | Attachment.org[/url] )
I'm just not sure that it was fair of the therapist to say that you "aren't a good fit for him" since the adoption is already final. You have had your son almost the same amount of time that we have had our daughter. I will say, that it is a very difficult road if you do not have support.
What are the specific behaviors that he is exhibiting?
I'm guessing since you have already adopted him the state will give you zero options. You likely will have to look at placing him privately if you no longer feel you can parent him. If you are feeling this way at this point, I honestly would recommend you find him a family where he can really feel wanted and loved that are able to better meet his needs. I don't mean to sound harsh, but trying to do this for 5 more years and then quitting would be far, far worse.
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AP's therapist is listed as an attachment expert and she works with adopted kids often. I guess I just assumed that meant that she specialized in RAD. We have had AP for 1 year and 3 months. His symptoms include: eye contact problems, lying about the obvious A LOT, plays games with me constantly (i.e. glaring at me when no one is looking, having fits of rage for no apparent reason when my husband is within earshot, acts like my loving touch is horribly painful ((only when people are in earshot), abuses the animals, hits/kicks/pushes/bites kids at daycare and also his teachers (luckily he is done doing that to me and hubby), choked his teacher, has 2-3 hour tantrums, destroys property, doesn't listen to teachers, huge speech problem (unless he is in the middle of a tantrum...then speech is perfect), no compassion or guilt, and major problems with cause and effect thinking.
3 year olds do not have cause and effect thinking nor would they understand guilt. Lying is also somewhat common at this age.
Is the therapist recommending disruption?
Has she given you ideas for how to deal with his behaviors?
Are you involved in the therapy sessions?
Daycare isn't the best place for a child with RAD so that behavior doesn't surprise me either.
We had two kids with RAD- we disrupted one (before adoption) but kept the other. At the age of three- there's a good chance he can be healed! You're going to have to fake all of the loving feelings. I started realizing whenever I felt like I wanted nothing to do with my AD, I knew she needed extra loving. I would recommend you read Daniel Hughes' book Building the Bonds of Attachment. It really opens your eyes into the child and the mom's role despite the garbage behavior. My daughter has some crappy behaviors, but after 7 months working the program, her behavior is now only poor at school, and she's usually a joy at home. It used to be the opposite. PM me if you want support.
I know I posted a response on another thread, but your description of his behavior brings back such memories of mine. And while some of that is "normal" three year old, my guess is that the degree of it is NOT normal. And while every kiddo is different, you have already parented that age and have some idea of what normal actually looks like! I guess I don't have advice, just want to wish you the best whichever road you decide. He is young and might stand a decent chance with a LOT of work. Maybe the question comes down to whether you can provide what he needs. I know in our case it finally came down to the FACT that we couldn't safely provide what our child needed. Work, economics, younger sibs, etc, etc...I don't know if he ultimately could have healed in the right environment, but I did know we couldn't provide a safe enough environment to find out. I agree that daycare probably isn't a good fit for a RAD kid. In retrospect, my decision to send ours to school, may have been the demise of any chance we had. I don't know if the outcome would have been different, but it might have if I'd "forced" him to be more reliant on me. We chose school for language development since he was ESL and not learning for us...probably not worth it, but my most thought out decision at the time. That said, I think it brought back a lot of orphanage type issues/behaviors/emotional stuff that contributed to the spiral down in behavior and our relationship overall... Sorry to carry on....my thoughts are with you, however things work out.
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We have had two severe RAD children and one moderate. At three you can still do this! Can you pull him out of daycare? He needs to attach to you, not a daycare teacher. I am not flaming you. One of my RAD kids I put in preschool 2 half days a week to get a break. He needs to see you and DH as the only people in charge of him. I am shocked that an attachment therapist would say you are not a good fit because you expect too much.
We did adopt one severe and one moderate RAD at 2 and 4. They are both doing extremely well! You can do this. Stay consistent and stay strong.