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Hello,all.
I am really bewildered right now with the idea of contact with my bio daughter.At a young age, I had signed off my paternal rights, so she could be adopted by my ex wife's new husband. I was in a dark, terrible saga of my life, and had no business standing in the way of her stability and happiness in life. I was hooked on drugs and probably would have died, if not for the grace of God. She was three at the time.
Fast forward fifteen years, I am clean and sober for many years, have a wife and two children. They all know about my bdaughter, and ask questions from time to time. I answer them with the limited knowledge I possess.
My ex wife contacted us through a mutual acquantance, and requested my address, so she could send a letter with questions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't both afraid and excited at the same time. Does she hate me? Does she simply want to vent her anger towards me? Anger, I can deal with. I deserve it, and am willing to answer her. Hatred for how I. Dealt with the situation? I probably would be crushed.
I know she is currently in a group home, and a ward of the state. So many things unknown. Does her father know she wants to contact me? Are both of her parents ok with it? Why isn't she at home with her mom? Was it because of my lack of being a dad?
What do I expect? What does she expect from me?
Not a day has passed that I haven't thought of her, what she's like, and what she thinks of me. Her mom's descriptions of me couldn't be accurate to the person I am nowadays.
I haven't even gotten a letter, and am already feeling overwhelmed.
Thanks for letting me vent.
God Bless.
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I reread your earlier posts, and you mentioned that your ex was the one who asked the mutual acquaintance to get in touch with you. And, now, she is supposedly unhappy with the contact.Well, it sounds as though the beginning of your relationship with your daughter was progressing nicely. And, maybe your ex wasn't expecting a positive outcome and feels a bit territorial or jealous. I don't know.Adoptees often do feel stuck in the middle. For most of us, this means being caught between our adoptive parents and our b-parents. In this case, she may feel torn between her b-parents. So, yes, that is one scenario. But, as murphymalone said, sometimes people just need breaks from the emotion. I wish people were able to tell each other what they need. But, in this case, your daughter is still quite young. So, it is understandable that she cannot fully articulate what she needs from you.I agree with murphymalone. Send a follow-up letter.
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Sorry about that, folks. Got busy with life.
The letter was, again, uplifting. She was so excited to see a family resemblance, especially with my daughter. The two have striking similarities.
Also some nervous small talk, general things.
However, she finally opened up a bit with some questions. The main one being "what happened between you and my mom?". She stated that her mom won't talk much about it.
First off, upon writing her back, I explained how much of a painful time it was for both myself and her mom. How floods of feelings come back just by reliving memories. I explained that we both had our faults, recognized my faults, and let her know that I have forgiven myself for my shortcomings. I also let her know that I had forgiven her mom for any faults as well. I wrote how I hoped that, perhaps one day, her mom could forgive me, not for my sake, but to give herself peace.
(It wasn't lip service, I truly mean that.)
I told her how much I looked forward to hearing from her, and how much it means to me. That, I too, pray for a face to face meeting someday. Not right now, but when we are both feeling good enough in our relationship to not let bombshells attack it. Good, solid questions in our mail correspondence will let us know if we are both strong enough to endure the pain of the past, and leave it behind.
My family is very supportive right now. At the advice of my therapist, I read my letters and then talk with my wife about what I'm feeling after. Then, listen to what my wife says, watching her body language and her reactions to my feelings.
This doesn't affect just myself.
I have leaned heavily on prayer for strength.
So far, so good. The giddiness has worn off, but it's a deeper peace that's developing.
Thanks for checking up me.
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Awesome, just awesome!
You sound like you really have a grasp on the whole concept of reunion and that you are taking it slow - and involving your wife (so, so important).
I read your story and wish that my birthdad could be this mature about our situation. But, well, that probably isn't going to happen and I've stopped trying because it's just too much (continued) heartache.
Good for you! Good luck and many blessings to you both!!
:cheer:
I am also trying to meet my bdaughter although my situation is far from being similar with yours I still have similar feelings about it. I have already had contact with my daughter but it has only been through social media and I have yet had the opportunity to hear her voice. It has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for the both of us because there are so many unanswered questions due to the entire adoption process, or lack of. Anyways thats all part of my story. Basicly I want to share with you what I think.
All we can do is to be as honost as possible explaining your situation then and now. If you decide to contact her you have to take it slow with her trying not to rush her into meeting but at the same time let her know that your feelings are genuine and that, although you have been absent up til now, that now you will always be there. Keep reminding her and yourself that you can not change the past but what you can do is move forward. I garauntee that she is always going to have questions for you and alot of them are going to be the same one asked in different ways just make sure that you answer her honostly and the she knows that she can trust that you will always keep it real with her.
I wish you luck and hope that you do decide to contact her and that both of you get to know eachother from now til the end of time!
REMEMBER YOU CAN NOT CHANGE THE PAST SO DONT DWELL ON IT. ALL YOU CAN DO IS MOVE FORWARD AND IN DOING SO YOU CAN MAKE YOUR FUTURE A HAPPY ONE!
I have seem many people request threads to be removed, but instead of honoring those requests it seems their user accounts are banned, their requests removed, but the original thread remains.
I believe this can cause great harm to the minors involved which may be reading these posts. If you are reading this, keep an eye out and if this post is removed, I would encourage you to not post anything that might be private or want to be removed at a later date.
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First of all, thanks for all of your support.Just an update:A while back, my bdaughter and I started texting each other, and it's been working pretty well. She really enjoys the real time updates of important events in the family, and I get the same. It has been pretty cool. Found out a while ago that she is out of her group home and living with her Grandma. Things are looking up for her, and found that her relationship with her mom is improving as well!Well, to make a long story short, we have made plans to meet face to face!We are both excited, and nervous. However, each of us is optimistic about what the future holds! The breakfast meeting is in a restaurant, with just her and I attending. I blocked out the whole day for it, just in case we get lost in discussion, nothing has to cut that short.My family has been amazing with their support! Even my oldest son, who was the most apprehensive, out of the blue asked what kind of gift he could give her upon meeting her. After talking to him about it, he said it was just a gesture to show that he accepted what the situation was, and wanted to do everything he could to help our family "absorb another member", as he put it.And my wife. Well, let's just say that woman is a rock. I don't know if I could this supportive, had the tables turned.Gratefulness, it's what I'm feeling.
Well, Saturday breakfast with my bdaughter went very well. We spent about four hours just talking, and breaking bread.
Talking with her face to face brings so much more understanding about what is going on in her life. She is currently living with her Grandma (My ex MIL), and her grandma is the one that has been encouraging her to make contact.
You could see the pain in her body language and voice when she talks about her mom and adoptive dad. Not sure yet, but it looks like she is having a hard time feeling accepted into her parents' new step families. If she truly feels rejected, I can see how important my contact is to her.
Moving forward, we are planning another breakfast for her to meet my wife and kids.
So far, things are looking good.
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OK. First hitch in the road.
I spent another Saturday afternoon with my bdaughter. It went well. Bowling, dinner, and just walking a nature trail and being able to talk. We were able to ask, and answer some questions that have been lingering. It was good. Really good.
Sunday night I get a text from her, "UGH! I hate my mom! Call me plz!"
I waited a few minutes, then called. She was having an argument with her grandma, with whom she lives with. It was very apparent, through conversation, that she wishes to come and stay for what she said was a few days. To calm down and escape the situation.
I explained that I understood she was upset, though I didn't know why she was angry with her mom, and being disagreeable with her grandma. I asked to speak with her grandma, and she obliged.
Her grandma and I had a good conversation. I told the grandma that our door is open to my bdaughter, but only if it's in that instance where I am not interfering with routines and discipline. Grandma explained that my bdaughter is feeling accepted into a family, and that she craves that, and want more immediately. That it seems she's not thinking long term, and that it seems she is alienating herself from her family. I explained that I just wanted what was best for the bdaughter, and if I needed toexplain this, I would.
The bdaughter and I talked more, as I explained to her that in order for us to be able to have contact, that she needed to abide by rules set forth by her family. Legally, there is nothing I can do but provide her with encouragement and understanding. I explained that while this is new, fresh, and exciting, my family and I are much like her family. We have quirks, get mad at each other, and we discipline our children in order for them to achieve goals. (Which, I feel, my bdaughter needs to set and achieve, in order to feel better about herself.) We aren't that "perfect family" that she may have pictured.
This was one of the worries I had from the start. I am not the "Knight in Shining Armor" that will magically make her life's problems disappear. I am simply another person that cares about her, and wants what's best for her, and at this time, I feel that her mom and grandma know what's best. That I need to put a bit of emotion aside, and support grandma's efforts.
I just hope I'm doing the right thing, because I really don't have a choice, given the legalities.
Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
bbqpops,You did the right thing; you were a parent to her in the right way in this situation. Tough love; even as hard as it is. 15 is a tough tough age especially for girls and compile that with the adoption & other struggles and this makes for a very tricky situation. But rules, limitations & boundaries must be firm. You showing her that you respect her Mom & Grandma's is what a parent does. Teen girls hate all the time... some days it feels like that's all they have in them. It will pass with time but it's a challenge. Showing her that you care and are there for her without allowing her to just run away from a situation is how she will learn to handle these issues. Well done Dad well done! Keep up the good work and you should feel GOOD about this one!