Can't believe it's true!

I"m so sorry that you just found out you're adopted. I've always known, and I can only imagine how upset I would be if I found out as an adult.I see you are currently living in Illinois. Were you born in Illinois? If so, you're in luck. Illinois allows us to request a copy of the original birth certificate. As long as your b-mom didn't specifically request to have her information redacted, you could learn her name, age, and residents at the time of your birth. (Your biological father probably would not be listed.)If you were not born in Illinois, you should look into the laws in the state of your birth.I don't know how to advise you as far as talking to your parents is concerned. That depends on your personality, their personalities, and the type of relationship you've had.... I do think that you will probably want to talk with them at some point. But, you might want to let this information sink in before approaching them.... HOWEVER, I have a lingering question: don't you think the family member might say something to them?

Hi Sherry, Sorry you had to find out like that. I've always known which I'm very greatful for, I can only imagine what it would be like to find out later. Not having been in your situation, I have no words of advice for whether or not or how to approach your parents. But as far as being an adopted kid, there are all these emotions we go through regarding who we are that biological kids don't (ok, so we are grown-ups, but i'll use the term kids for now). Regardless of age or how long we have known, whether you have info on the bio-parents, whether you have been re-united or not: we go through waves of (in no particular order) sadness, anger, gratitude, feelings of being unwanted, curiosity, relief, and just when we think we are done, something will bring a fresh wave of all of the above. This is on top of the emotional roller coaster that comes with everyday life. Jack hit the nail on the head about having a sense of humor. It will help get you through anything, and causes less damage than tequila. When the emotions are hitting hard: avoid tequila. You will want to numb out, don't, the emotions aren't always pretty but you need to feel them. When you are feeling sad and angry: exercise to blow off steam, meditate, find a creative outlet (I write and perform really awful poetry). Try not to be too angry at your parents, if and when you do approach them, try not to do it while angry. They love you and probably were acting on the misguided notion that it was better for you not to know. And as adoptees we are prone to feeling unwanted, many of us got it in our heads that since our bio didn't want us, no-one does, that we are unworthy of love, etc. My a-mom tried to tell me once that A) you do not know that your b-mom did not want you, she may have wanted you very much and just couldn't keep you. So unless you hear different from her own lips, assume you were wanted. and B) it really doesn't matter what she thought because your adopted parents wanted you, therefore you were wanted. bottom line it doesn't matter who wanted you and who didn't, someone wanted you. Sadly, I didn't learn to follow this advice until I was in my late 30s

I'm also sorry that you had to find out in this way. It's not at all right or fair that truth is withheld from us. Not to sound overly obvious, but to answer your question of "how is this possible???" I think the simplest answer is the most accurate: that a number of people, including your a-parents, withheld the truth from you. To me, the more relevant question would be "why did they do that?" I don't really know how to answer your question of how to approach your a-parents about this. I think to a large degree that depends on the type of relationship you have with them. If it were up to me I'd probably take the direct approach and with facts and evidence in hand say something like "you'll never guess what I found out...I have many questions." But that's me. It may not work in your situation. As you say there must be some reason why they chose to keep it secret, but I don't know what that would be. I take it that your husband is not adopted? I'm guessing that because someone feeling that you should "just continue life as it is" is the reaction of someone who doesn't get it...hasn't been there. It doesn't mean he's not supportive and a great guy. Just that he may not have the same frame of reference as someone who has been through the adoption process. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you and your family in the best way possible. Best, PADJ

Hi Jackie , my name is Ian.o and I know what you must be going through is not easy and very hard to take in right now, as I also went through the same feelings. I also found out about myself being adopted much later in life as you did. I was born here in los angeles and was taken to England when I was 8 years old. I was one of 3 kids , but I was the only one who was adopted. The fact of myself being adopted was always kept from me. Although I always half suspected that I somehow did not fit it with the rest of the family in my personality and out look on life. It was not until I was almost 30 years old that I decided to leave home for a life of my own as my adoptive mother was very much a control freak. She would even open and read my personal mail !!!!!, they thought that I should remain at home my whole life to look after them until they were dead. So the day that I decided to leave home I had made all my arrangements, and as I was walking out of the front door with the last of my belongings. My mother turned round to me and said " If you are leaving you might as well know that you were " ADOPTED ". And that is how I found out. I later discovered that my bio mother had passed away just three years before me finding my bio brother in la harbra in 2006. I look at it this way , my Bio mother must of had a very hard choice to make when having to give me up. We all have to make hard choices in life , and we have to live with the results of those choices. I don't blame her or resent her in anyway as I really don't know why she had to make that decission . I would of really liked to of had the chance to meet her, and know her, but now I just pray that she is resting in peace knowing that I have found my bio father here in cali. I hope that you will find this helpful and I encourage you to look to the future and not dwell on the past. This is not your fault in anyway , but it just makes you an extra special person instead.:happydance: :D

Like most of the others above, I knew I was adopted before I was even old enough to understand what that meant. I'm grateful that my parents didn't try to hide that fact from me. I'm sorry you found out in such a shocking way.You should do whatever YOU want/need to do with this information. Not what your husband might want, not what your parents might want... YOU. It's not selfish or wrong to think only of your own needs here. This is your past, your genetics, your medical history... It's all about you right now.If you want to talk to your parents (and you might, since the family member who spilled the beans might chat with them, as well), you have every right to ask them for whatever information they might have. If you want to begin a search. It can be helpful to get any info they have either way, just in case you change your mind down the line... or in case they have something like medical information that proves important in the future.If you want to search for your birth family (many adoptees do, but many don't), you can hopefully then proceed with the info your parents give you. If they resist, well, there are other ways to potentially get information. Your search is likely to be easier if your parents have info that can help, however...But you can cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, talk to your parents if that's where you want to start. Let the information sink in a bit. Deal with the emotional fallout. Let the rest come when you're ready.I wish you luck, however you choose to proceed.

Thank you all for your responses... Sorry about not getting to you individually and sooner to te ll you much I appreciate the support. I have talked my mom and I am so glad I did. We both experienced a breakthrough! She was relieved to be able to finally release herself from this 31 yr secret. Hearing those words "Yes, it's true- you are adopted", wasn't as bad as a considered it to be. No matter what- they are my parents and we don't love each other any less because of the truth. My birth mother requested that my parents never tell me about the adoption because she doesn't want me to look for her- the nerve, lol. I don't want to see her or speak to her ( I think).. But curiosity is leading me to want to know about her and my history. I deserve to know, Right?

Yes, you do deserve to know. (And, you deserve to hear it from her. Sometimes stories are inaccurate or get twisted as the years pass.)And, if nothing else, you deserve your complete medical history.

Sherry - what your birth mother wanted 31 years ago may still be the same today, or it might have changed decades ago. Whether she does not want to know you today may also change if she has the chance to know you - I know that sounds weird but many of us were okay/accepting that we would never know until we had the chance to know. What you can't do is force another to have a relationship - that is where the line in the sand is for me. You have a right to ask for your story and to ask for your family health history. You have the right to ask to get to know her. You don't have the right to require she complies although at least I would hope she would be willing to answer any questions. If you were born in Illinois you can apply for your original birth certificate - what you have now is the amended version. Illinois did change the laws and allowed mothers to veto the release of their identity to the adult adoptee so perhaps she is one who took advantage of that - you will only know if you apply for it. Google Illinois+Vital Records+adopted and you will find the link to how to order your original birth certificate. Kind regards,Dickons

Sherry I am sorry to hear about your story but I also feel glad that finally your mother has confessed that you were adopted. So, she is the person who would help you reach your birth parents. May be starting from where you were born, your birth parents' name, etc.