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I saw an answer posted on another thread and wanted to get more feedback. I have a 6 year old DD in kindy who has attachment issues. Basically, school this year has been horrible for her. Her school doesn't "get" her, and IMO doesn't want to "get" her. She is constantly in trouble at school and the "consequences" they give her do not change her behavior at all. I've talked myself blue, and am continuing to advocate for her (and will continue as long as necessary). In the meanwhile, because I understand the way she thinks, it seems like intervention at home is the only way that really makes a difference in her behavior. At the same time, I WANT to be able to have "school (consequences) stay at school" because of the time between school and home, inconsistent communication from school, and for various other (attachment) reasons.
Is this possible? How has this worked for others?
DD gets anxious and gamey if she thinks that she's "gotten away with something" that I don't know about. Do you tell your children "Any consequences from school events happen at school"? Even if they're not dealing with it in a way that will make those events stop?
Example given in another thread: whoownsthis said that her child has stealing issues and she has sewed pockets shut and a clear backpack.... how do you decide to address that one, when the child is stealing AT SCHOOL but you're instituting a home behavior modification? If your child manages to still bring something stolen home, is there a home consequence? (I'm am NOT in any way saying this is wrong, just trying to figure out how best to apply this!)
Thanks in advance for any feedback/stories/help!!!
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You may be able to relieve stress by telling her that you won't discipline her for things she does at school, but that is probably only one of many sources of stress. By totally separating yourself from school you are also prevent yourself from being able to be her support in what she surely views as a hostile environment. You can say you won't discipline her but I think you should also stay as involved as possible so that you can show empathy and try to teach her how she could have avoided the problems she is facing. Don't intervene to try to reduce consequences though, because then you get into a con game.
Re: Stealing - A clear backpack would be fine because that is subtle. You can tell her how cool you think it is and not tell her it is about stealing. Sewing pockets shut, though, will make her feel like a fool and will be a constant reminder of her shame. When you catch her try to get her to think about how the victim is feeling and try to think about what sort of fear might have caused her to take the item and give her empathy for that.
Our RADlet used to come home angry, stressed, and ready to fight. That inhibited his progress on attachment. We ended up home schooling him simply to stop that fight. Of course home schooling can also be a disaster for attachment. We avoided that by not putting pressure on him to get work done. He ended up losing an entire year of school but he has since gained it back.
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"Gamey" is a great description of behavior when they think they've gotten away with some trouble at school! The connection we made between home and school consequences was that bringing stolen items home from school also brought the issue home. That said, I never communicated with the school about that issue (other than informing them of what we were doing about it). We searched the backpack and finally get rid of it going to a single pocket bag (wasn't carrying any heavy books, etc) which was easily searched. As for the pockets-- cut them out. My logic to him was simple: if you cannot use your pockets properly then there is no reason to have them. If there were major things stolen and brought home I'd return them and leave it at that. It was school's job to discipline the stealing beyond that if they saw fit. That seemed to help diffuse the whole "I got away with it and you don't know" behavioral issue.