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I considered putting this is the LD area, but it could be attachment-related, too. So...My 15.4-yr-old is really struggling to take care of her own hygiene. I have to remind her daily to shower, put on deodorant, brush teeth. We homeschool, so she's not getting peer pressure to be clean. If she doesn't, it's her family who suffers. ;-)But there's also her hair. She's a naturally kinky curly gal, and when Mom washes, detangles, lotions, and styles her hair it looks terrific. But in the past year or so I handed that responsibility to her. Now she has major sticky, dandruffy gunk (from not completely rinsing her hair or combing the conditioner through when detangling). And just this morning I offered to reshape her ponytail (because she won't detangle or use brush to smooth it...She wants to "look cute," but won't/can't follow my directions. I've been teaching her for years, hoping she'd learn and begin doing it herself. Instead, she'll either just comb the front (and leave the back a matted mess), or will have her younger sister do it for her.)Anyway, this morning I suggested she consider the angled bob style Halle Berry has now. (My dd's hair is 3c/4a, tighter that Berry's, tho.) My dd cried. She wants "long hair down to my waist!" So I explained that she could have hair to the floor, but if she never detangles it, it will continue to matte and lock up and stick only 2" from her head in the back! (She detangles the front (what she can see) just fine. It's from crown down in back that she just covers with detangles front/side hair. And she does have an extra wall-mounted mirror that let's her see back, but she's too uncoordinated to work it, the combing, and the detangling spray.)So my real question is: should I force the haircut? It would make HER life easier and she can be proud of doing her own hair. And it will make her look and feel older/more mature. Everytime I put braids or twists in, she wants them out in 3 weeks (when ai go to tighten/rebraid) because "they're boring" despite the many versatile hairstyles I've shown her while braids were in!!!! So there's no way I'll pay for professional braiding. (Don't have the $$ for that, anyway.) and a relaxer is out of the question. So those of you with curly-headed special needs girls, what would you do in my situation??? (Note: my dd is borderline IQ, socially delayed, FASD, and mildly? Attachment disordered.)
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I personally wouldn't force the haircut, though it does sound cute. What about a bathroom checklist? Print one checklist for each day, and put them in a binder. Before school starts, have her bring you the checklist with everything checked off, and sign off on each. If she "Fails" (e.g. only half her hair done, her toothbrush is not wet, etc.), send her back for a re-do. If she passes on the first or second try all week, give her a small reward. (I have not tried this personally, it's just a theory / suggestion based on no personal experience.)
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I would be more inclined to do a gentle relaxer than cut it. I know relaxing hair is a big deal in the AA culture but so is having long, good looking hair. A relaxer would make it mat less in the back. I think an angled bob might be a disaster. My DS had what I would consider an angled bob when he was growing his hair out and he could not detangle the back by himself and he is high IQ, highly coordinated.
If you really do not want to do a relaxer, try to focus more on the hair care done in the shower. Like extra conditioner in the back, you don't rinse the conditioner until you can get a comb through every section of hair holding your head upright and upside down. Try silk or satin pillow cases and all those other tricks to avoid out of shower haircare as much as possible.
I definately would not force her to cut it. But then I am the mom who let her 4 year old choose his own hairstyle. I am a pretty staunch supporter of letting kids make decisions about their own body (as long as the are not permenent ;))
My aunt is MR and she often has her hair in a ponytail or weave. Braids was taking out her hair because she would wear them to long and her hair is fine. She loves the ponytail or weave because it gives her the length.
If you want to keep her hair natural and easier to maintain, I would consider a gentle relaxer . It will loosen her curls and give her length. Plus it could cut down time needed for detangling. When I was natural, I would put in a light relaxer every 90 days to soften my curls.
After she grows the length, then maybe a cute cut. The problem w/ cutting into a particular style, if you don't maintain, you will look like a hot mess. I went through the Halle Berry short cut phase and then decided a bob was a better idea cause I didn't want to go to the Barbers every week or so.
Another option is to do a press and curl if you want to go the straight route. More time consuming but once hair is trained and sleep cap is used, you can go w/out doing your hair for 2wks.
I've worn my hair super short and long down my back. Although I don't always put in a perm, I do find that it is convenient at times when I don't want to deal w/ my Chaka Khan hair:)
Thanks for the ideas, everyone! I will definitely add the checklist. (Been meaning to do that for awhile.) we have a poster with pics of washing up and brushing teeth, but if I have each specific step listed, that could help.
I think in the short term I'll just step in and do her hair myself again. I like putting in yarn braids because they last longer (than just her natural hair) and they look cute. I'll just add fewer threads so that they'll fit under her swim cap.
In the meantime, I'll have to check more into a "gentle" relaxer. I just don't want to get dependent on that due to cost, fumes, risk of breakage (she already has breakage at hairline from headbands). I've heard than Cassia (like henna) can work as a plant-based "relaxer/softener." Hmm.
For relaxer. If you have Sally's, you can start out w/ a Children's relaxer for under $10. I use to purchase a jar of relaxer and the neutralizing shampoo for under $20. It would literally last me 6 months since I would only relax every 8-12 wks.
Also instead of headbands, you can always use ribbons. My stylist banned headband usage after I had a ton of breakage near my hairline.
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