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As Mother's Day approaches, I've been thinking about DD's birthmother more than normal. Not that she's ever far from my thoughts, but times like this bring her closer to the fore. I miss her. I wish I could know how she's doing. Really.
That aside, I wish I knew how she would like me to handle Mother's Day. Should I send her a card, flowers and a note reminding her again how much I do truly care about the very conflicting emotions she must be feeling at this time, or do I do nothing because silence would be the most healing for her?
I really just want to bless her. She and I got to be good friends prior to birth, but--according to what she and bdad chose--the only contact we have now is that we send them pics and letters twice a year. So I don't want to infringe on that agreement either.
Any advice? What would you want if you were her?
Thanks in advance!
I think it's horrible you got no replies. We're supposed to be here to support each other regardless of which side of the papers you fall on. If you were complaining about something I'm sure you'd get responses.
As Amom's we have this other very significant woman in our lives that we know is hurting and deserving of acknowledgement. It's so hard as an Amom to know whats best; I applaud your bravery for posting this here and I wish you would have gotten a response.
I think it depends on the relationship you have and under your circumstances I'd have no clue how to honor this person. Perhaps we can both gain a bit of perspective for next year.
Best of luck.
C -
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It happens rather frequently on this site that posts go unnoticed. That doesn't mean that no one cares about the post.
My advice would be to honor what the b-parents chose for themselves. When you next send the pics and letters, you can always tell them that you would welcome more contact. However, if you do, be specific in what you would welcome.
I think that Mother's Day questions are really hard for first mothers to answer and that one was really close to the date. A lot of us are busy protecting our heart at that time, I don't think we didn't answer to slight anyone.
I'd also like to point out that there aren't many first moms that post here anymore. I'm one of the few that does regularly and no I don't respond to every post, but I respond to many, and not just posts that are complaints.
My son's mom doesn't do anything for me and that is fine. My family does stuff for me and it is all good.
I didn't see this post and it was very close to Mother's Day. I was busy planning for my Mother, Mother-in-law and making sure my grown daughters could work in their plans for me. There are less than a handful of original mothers who post here.
We don't only come out of our respective corners to respond to complaints. However as the level of vitriol about families of origin continues to increase, especially on the most active board of the forum, I'm sure it seems like that.
As others have said, lots of initial threads go unanswered on the forums. It doesn't necessarily mean no one cares...it could be a timing issue.
I'm so sorry that none of us saw this thread around Mother's Day. I had a rather rough time of it this year, so I was laying really low at the time.
The comment about birth/first moms being eager to jump in on threads that are complaints/vents, I think that's kind of lame. Paige is right -- the level of vitriol when it comes to families of origins, especially mothers, has driven most of us away from the boards this past year or so.
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It wasn't meant to be lame or of bad spirit. There are a few of us who really do keep open adoption agreements and although I've been told saying "our" birth moms is ignorant some of us do love and cherish our children's families of origin. I've just witnessed a lot of unkindness on this site lately.
I truly hope someone actually answers this question. Some of us do care.
I did answer it. Seriously, continuing to tell us we aren't doing a good enough job, isn't helping you here. I'm glad you love your children's first parents. That's great.
Please quit telling us to place nice. It isn't endearing when one is told how to behave.
wrking21,
I doubt the "our" in "our birth moms" is the insulting part. My guess is most mothers do not want to be called "birth moms."
I realize that's how they're titled here on this site, but it doesn't make it necessarily correct or the best choice of terms.
I think it's great that you cherish your children's original families....
It sounds like you have felt attacked in the past on this site. The best recommendation I have is to attempt to listen for the content and try to weed out the vitriol that can come from all sides (first families, adoptees, adoptive families). Sometimes really informative statements can be found inside of caustic presentations.
Actually I find the our part to be more insulting than the birth parent part. I am my son's first mother, not his parents. Our implies ownership to me. For some it means part of the family, which is fine. My son's mom and dad would use it as a sign of ownership.
That said, it may rankle me personally, but if people want to use it regarding their own situation, more power to them.
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Belleinblue1978, Noted. Good point.... wrking, you just have to listen to everyone with an open mind and then go with whatever feels emotionally right and logical to you.
Adoption is emotional. We're not all going to agree on terminology. It's not possible. But, we can all attempt to understand other people's points of view.
wrking21
It wasn't meant to be lame or of bad spirit. There are a few of us who really do keep open adoption agreements and although I've been told saying "our" birth moms is ignorant some of us do love and cherish our children's families of origin. I've just witnessed a lot of unkindness on this site lately.
I truly hope someone actually answers this question. Some of us do care.
I agree with Belle, the use of the term "our" in front of the choice of how someone references parents of origin is rankling; mainly because it show ownership. For me, pairing it with the term "bio" is especially dehumanizing, shows an attitude of superiority by the person using it and colors the way I view that person's posts.
Clearly you dug around on this forum to find a thread to poke at us...why don't you start a thread addressing your real beef? It would be more honest.
Seems to me that Mother's Day is about honoring Mothers...
Why not celebrate the day together? Just makes the most sense to me seeing as both mothers are mothers to the same child...
If distance is an issue then do for the other mother what you would like done for you...
To me it seems so simple. Must be how I was raised.
Case in point: Sisters wedding - mom and her mother sat at the same table and had a great time. Both were celebrated as the mothers of the bride...no one thought it was weird because neither of them did, and my sister has two mothers and that has been the case since she was a week old...
Kind regards,
Dickons
But wait - adoption is so different today, than when I was adopted...oops...those were the "bad old days" when people weren't as aware.
I think it should be noted that many of the birth/first/natural moms on these boards feel deeply saddened around Mother's Day. This past one seemed to hit most of the "regulars" pretty hard...and may be the main reason this thread was overlooked.
In past years, there has been a lot of interaction among all three sides of the triad around Mother's Day. I've received so much emotional support from my friends here. But this year was the worst year of my life, other than the year I placed my newborn son for adoption. When I'm feeling deep pain and grief, I often have a hard time interacting with others.
I think it's so wonderful for an amom to reach out to a bmom to hear our ideas and thoughts surrounding holidays and special occasions. And I once again apologize to the OP for missing this thread. Hopefully next year will be a better one for me, and I'll be sure to keep my eye open for similar threads when Mother's Day rolls around. :loveyou:
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