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I live in Thailand and am the foster parent of a now 16-year-old girl. The only reason I am not her fully adoptive mother is because she does not have citizenship in her own country, so the most I can get in foster parent. I got her 2 years ago, after her parents died and there was nowhere else for her to go. I was and am single and am only 18 years older than her, but at the time that didn't seem to be a problem. She started telling people I was her mom, of her own volition, only a couple weeks after she moved in with me. Then, she was diagnosed with tuberculosis and spent two months in the hospital with me sleeping on the floor next to her bed.
I thought we bonded really well initially, she called me mom sometimes and Heather sometimes. I always thought that the longer we were together, the more bonded we would become, but now that she is 16, she doesn't want me to say I'm her mom anymore, she doesn't want me to act like her mom anymore, she doesn't want any sort of rules, or input in her life, things she considers "controlling" that are just normal boundary setting. I know some of this is because she is 16 and chafing against limits, but a major part of the problem is that I am not now, and never will be, legally her mother. All the books say it's important to "claim" your kid to facilitate bonding, but now she gets really angry when I refer to myself as her mom or that she is my daughter. Advice?
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I went through phases similar to this, where I would call my adoptive parents by their first names and things were rough for a while. It's a normal thing for kids and teens to go through when they are adopted or fostered. Also, like you mentioned, all teens rebel against the rules and boundaries. It's basically a test. They are wondering if you are going to put up with it. As a foster child she also probably is doing the test to see if you will send her back. If you have explained to her that you cannot legally adopt her, but you consider her yours and that you are looking into options to make it legal then maybe she will get the idea. I wouldn't take it personally though. Most adoptees go through this stage at some point in time and it can happen more than once too. Is there anyway to get her citizenship?
Good luck
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Thanks Gcrocker for your input. Yes, we have been fighting the system for 2 years now to get her citizenship, but the process is very complicated and there are no guarantees. I have considered just going to the US Embassy and getting her US refugee status, but their rules say she would be unable to stay in Thailand if we did that, so I think it would be more harmful for her in the long run. At this point, because of her age, even if she got citizenship tomorrow, she would be too old to internationally adopt because of the Hague Convention rules. So, you think it's a good idea to keep referring to her as my daughter, even though it makes her upset?
I would say yes. Unless she is getting really upset and violent I would just inform her that you are going to keep introducing her as your daughter because that's how you feel about her and she doesnt have to like it. If she makes a big deal just ignore her. Same if she corrects you. Soon she will realize that she can't change it. If it keeps bothering her then maybe talk to her about why she suddenly has such a problem with this. There is actually a relationship between dates of loss and an increase in behaviour problems. Is it close to thw time that her parents died?Sorry for the typos. I am on my phone.
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