can a disabled single parent adopt? (sorry, long)

May 10, 2013

I'm not planning to adopt right away (I'm only 23) but thinking about plans for the future.

I'm asexual (no sexual desire, an uncommon sexual orientation) so I probably won't get the opportunity to have kids the usual way. So my options seem to be either sperm donation or adoption (or possibly both routes). And since I don't want to get married or have a partner, I'll be a single parent.

Another complication is that I'm high-functioning autistic, and have mild PTSD. Which I could see being an advantage in some ways for special needs adoption, because I can relate to what the kids are going through more easily - especially if I adopted a child on the autism spectrum.

But on the other hand, my two disabilities also have an adverse impact on some areas of functioning. In particular, I'm struggling to develop independent living skills because I have poor organizational skills and time sense and some issues with procedural learning (learning rote, step-by-step activities such as many daily living activities). I'm not sure how much I will improve in this area - I'm pretty sure my skills will improve, but I'll probably always struggle with this.

A bigger concern I have is my PTSD. I tend to be sensitive to stress, and I have outbursts with my parents and my brother. I rarely get violent, but I'll yell and cry and sometimes hit myself. I also have episodes of depression from time to time. This has been getting better over time, but it's a slow process.

However, on the good side, I've volunteered with disabled kids, and I find that when caring for those kids I can handle stressful situations that would otherwise cause problems. When a kid I'm working with is having a meltdown or some sort of crisis, I go into this calm, practical state where all I think about is the child's needs in that moment. Weirdly enough, even my sensory hypersensitivities affect me less when I'm caring for a child - for example I have one bathing suit that I can only tolerate wearing if I'm volunteering.

I also find that some of the kids that other volunteers find difficult are easy for me to handle, especially if they're on the autistic spectrum. Some of these kids remind me a lot of myself (I was a very difficult kid in elementary school) and I try what would have helped me and it's often effective on them.

Am I likely to be able to adopt? What kind of skills will I need to have in order to be ready to adopt? Do any of you know of any adoptive parents with a situation similar to mine?

ruth74

May 10, 2013

Agencies don't, in my experience, base their decision of whether you will be allowed to adopt on diagnosis, but on functioning. You say that you are struggling with independent living skills; this would be a barrier to being approved, because you need to show that you can take care of not only yourself, but also a child. The outbursts would also likely be an issue, because they would adversely affect a child. On the other hand, you say these are things you are working to improve. If you are able to develop the skills you need, your diagnoses themselves would not be a barrier to adopting. The agency needs to know that you are physically and emotionally healthy enough to raise a child.

One thing you will want to think about, as you get closer, is stress. You say that is difficult for you, and adoption is an extremely stressful process. The homestudy is intrusive (I was asked about my current and past sexual relationships, my thoughts and feelings around sex, how I've dealt with a number of painful issues in my life, my relationships with my family, and on and on). The agency will ask your references questions about you as well, and based on what you have said they may well want something from a therapist about how well you have worked through the issues you mentioned as well. You don't have any idea how long the wait will be, I knew every time my profile was shown (18 before I was matched) and therefore every time an emom didn't choose me. People are matched and then the emom chooses to parent. All of those things are stressful, and you will need to be able to handle that.

Parenting is also very stressful. I had always found myself much more comfortable and confident with kids than in any other situation. In general I tend to be fairly together emotionally. When my son was 18 months I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing on the phone with my mom that I was a terrible mother. My son was napping and I had that brief luxury, but I had to pull it together by the time he woke up an hour or so later.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but I want to give a realistic picture of what adopting and parenting are like. If you have those kinds of meltdowns and struggle to manage both stress and independent living skills, you will need to work really hard on managing those things before you will be successful as a parent, and an agency will be aware of that.