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My nephew, age 3, was placed with us almost 3 months ago. We started visitation back in October. Visitation was limited because we traveled out of state to see him each time. We did video calls, exchanged photo albums, and whatever else we could to start building a connection before we brought him home.
I always wanted to adopt. I didn't expect this, but at the time I was grateful that God would consider this for my life. He had not lived with momma in over 15 months and had been with a foster mom, our aunt. Good home, she was a great role model for him but long term was not their plan. So we stepped in.
Things have been difficult. Nothing that I expected. Prior to placement he was happy, potty trained, on a schedule....life was good. Since coming home we have had toilet issues, talking back, and lots of defiance. Now, keep in mind, I already have 4 bio children. We home school, we are happy, functional, and all that jazz:) This transition has really upset the peace of our home. The kids are angry he is here. I am resentful. I am depressed. I don't have the support I need. I am worn out-burned out dealing with the battle. We were all so excited when he came and now....well I think everyone feels let down that he treats us this way. DO we need therapy or something?
At this point, I am questioning my commitment. He seems happy to be here, loves us, calls me mommy, snuggles and everything else you expect from a child. But when he acts out, it bothers me differently and I can't figure out why!!! Like I am taking it personally or something. Is this burn out talking? In the three months he has been here I have only had ONE night away. Encourage me, please. Please, I need to know I am not a horrible person here. Will his defiance ease up? Will I ever share my heart truly with him? Will my kids ever accept him? He talks back and is so ugly to them that they want nothing to do with him. Is this normal?
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Hang in there!!! Things should get better soon!
We got our STBAS at almost-3-years-old. He, too, had been with birthfamily for first 18 months, then in several foster homes. We saw regression, behaviors, etc. when he came to us. I have another child just a year older and we had doubts as to whether we made a mistake. But now we've had him 2 1/2 years and he is our life.
My advice: try to spend one-on-one time with him doing things that YOU find enjoyable. Work on attachment-things: rocking, cuddling, reading, etc. Look into play therapy for him or some talk therapy for you. And mostly just hang in there. At three months out, he still has no idea if you're going to be there for him or not. Attachment takes time to build-- for him and for you. We found that by about 6 or 8 months in, things were much better. Our kiddo still has behaviors (and a new ADHD diagnosis), but he is OUR kiddo now, so it doesn't matter.
You're doing a great thing for your nephew. Hang in there -- it will get better!!!
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Funny, our daughter is 10 months older than him. Seems we have a similar situation. I cannot thank you enough for sharing. I feel like Im in a bubble that nobody really gets. I just need hope. Hope that things will get better. I have been thinking about one on one time with him. Would you believe I haven't done it?! I feel like I have been so busy creating our home and routine that I haven't even stopped to enjoy our relationship. Like I am playing catch up constantly.
I am now going to schedule date nights every two weeks religiously as well as employ some sitters.:D AND I am going to get some one on one time on the schedule for him as well. I think that would help!!!! Great idea. The CW checked in a few days ago and offered an "evaluation" for him which I quickly rejected. I don't know why. I need to ask her for help. I guess I just thought it would be a smoother...the transition.
I wanted to update since my outlook was so bleak. We are starting our 6th month together. Things are so much better! Not perfect, but so much improved. I have learned that most of the issues were really about boundaries and attention. I changed my methods and he has been responding so well. Just like any other child, I had to learn his currency and what motivated him. I still can't believe how long it has taken us to sink into a rhythm but its finally happening. He starts preK with me on Monday. 3 months ago I wasn't even sure if I could home school him but as of month 5, things really settled:) I have hope again and I have learned so much. Looking back, I wish I would have gotten more rest so I could have a fresh perspective. I was too entrenched in the daily grind and I needed rest more regularly. Glad we are here. Glad things are settling. Hopeful.:dance: