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We have been presented with a possible adoption of a 10 yo girl with mild FAS and ADHD. We are seasoned pros at ADHD, as both of us have it and all three of our bio kids do too. That for us is just how the world turns. We have no experience with FAS and are quickly trying to do our research. So much I read sounds so bad, and some sounds reasonable. We are still not sure what we want to do, but we are being blessed with a whole weekend with this little girl in two weeks. I have asked every question I can think of, and I really think it is going to come down to meeting her. The agency seems to want us, and seems to want to move quickly. She has been in the same foster home for 5 years, I think that is a good sign. We have never intended to adopt the "Perfect" child, we know about alot of different conditions. This one is so new to me though. I need to hear the truth, but I also need to hear that this can work. We are a busy but structured home. I run a daycare, but so does FM. I am homeschooling two of my three this year and the SW thinks this would be a good idea for this one as well. Who know? God does.
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Congratulations on being presented with this special girl. My first Ason has been dx'd with FAS. He is now 6. In addition to FAS his dx's include dyspraxia, hearing impairment (just got fitted with the processor for his Baha Cochlear Implant 2 weeks ago), expressive/receptive language disorders and several other things. He is a joy.
Yes, it does take longer for a FAS child to learn things, but once they get it, they have it. My son will repeat Kindergarten next year, but with a twist. He will attend 1/2 day Kindergarten and 1/2 day 1st Grade. This will allow him to get 1-1/2 yrs each of kinder and 1st grade. That will give him the best chance for success in school because by then he will have had the chance to get his ABC's and 123's down pat. He also has a great deal of trouble with his fine motor skills so it will also let him have that extra year of learning/practicing to write and start to read.
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It depends a lot on the level of damage from the exposure. The hardest thing for me was that I would teach my son something and it took forever for him to learn it, and then the next day, we'd start over and I'd teach him the same thing again as it was no longer there. It was frustrating for me and really frustrating for him. Eventually, it would get to his long term memory and stay there.
He had no impulse control. At 16, he would still walk out into the street without a thought of looking for cars.
Now I do know some kids with FAS who are not as severe as my son that struggle some with school but are doing well and will easily live self supporting enjoyable adult lives.
Since this child has been in the same placement 5 years, you want to talk to the foster mom to see what types of struggles she's seen with this child as a result of her FAS. She's likely your best resource. Also, you want to know if she's had her 5 years, why isn't she adopting her? It may have nothing to do with the child or it may be that the child's negative behaviors have increased and she feels she cannot handle it. It's important to know that.
I hope this works out.
I will be talking to FM this weekend, and I do that that they are not adopting because they are older and not able to take on a life commitment. They are very dedicated to her and will keep her as long as it takes to find the right family. If SW is being honest, and really it does sound that way, then while it won't be easy, we should be able to more than meet her needs.
FASD is a label, and as with ADHD it doesn't describe the child very well, just gives you some ideas of what you might be dealing with.FASD is brain damage, and as with any brain damage it's difficult to pinpoint what the issues will be. My kids deal with a range of issues. Learning disabilities is (are?) one (some?) of what we are working through. And the On Days and Off Days; On Days they do quite well, Off Days not so much. Richard Lavoie (you can see some clips of his educational videos on YouTube) has helped with the mindset for parenting many of the issues. Trying Differently Rather Than Harder, a book by Diane Malbin has information on parenting as well. I don't know what to tell you, other than kids with FASD can, and do, mature, just sometimes quite a bit later than age 18. We anticipate that most of our kids will be independent as adults, some maybe not?, but we don't think any of them will be independent by 18, 19, or even 20.