are we eligible to adopt?

First off, if you are in your 40s, you are prime candidates for adoptive parenthood, assuming that you have good character, good health, and the resources to raise another child. Second, having other kids at home is fine, but you probably won't be able to adopt until your youngest bio child is over a year old, if he/she is not. Third, do remember that parenting a newly adopted child may be different from parenting a bio child, in that there is more likelihood that you will have to deal with minor physical illnesses such as intestinal parasites, possible previously undiagnosed more significant medical issues, attachment issues, grief, and so on. As a result, bringing an adopted child into a home with two young bio children may create more demands on you than you expect. Think about your energy level and time commitments. Fourth, many agencies recommend NOT adopting out of birth order. While they won't always stop you, do consider one important reason for this recommendation. The older a child is at adoption, the more negative life experiences he/she may have had. These experiences may have included physical or sexual abuse by birth family members, orphanage staff, or other children in the orphanage. You may not always find out about this abuse before you adopt the child, especially if it occurred in the orphanage. A child who has experienced physical or sexual abuse may be inclined to abuse younger or weaker children, including new siblings. If you adopt a child older than your current children, you will have to maintain 24/7 vigilance for a while to be sure that he/she is not going to harm/molest your existing children. Even if the new child has NOT endured abuse prior to adoption, he/she may have learned behaviors helped him/her survive, but that don't work well in families -- for example, stealing or grabbing another child's food or clothing. You will have to teach your bio children that the new arrival needs to learn the way kids behave in families, while setting appropriate expectations for the new child. Fifth, most parents are glad just to know something about the birthparents' situation and that they relinquished their children voluntarily and with understanding of the finality of adoption. They want to be sure that the children were not bought or stolen or acquired by lying to the birthparents about the meaning of adoption. In most cases, it is not possible to keep in contact with the birth family, however desirable it may be. Some of the children may have been abandoned. Some may have deceased parents. Some may be from homes without phones or computers, and where the birthparents are illiterate. Some may be from situations where the birthparents move frequently, or where a they might be stigmatized if it was known that they bore and/or abandoned a child. Consider yourself lucky if you can send an occasional photo or letter, or if you receive an occasional photo or letter. Whether or not you have contact with the birthparents, remember that your child will have feelings about them and why they placed him/her for adoption. In some cases, the feelings won't be that strong, but in others, they may be strong enough that you will want to seek outside help because your child is being eaten up by them. These feelings may change over time; sometimes, anger may be the prominent feature, and sometimes sadness may be stronger. Sometimes, they will ask, "Why couldn't you just have given my birthmother money so I could stay there?" You will have to learn ways of telling your child his/her adoption story that are honest, but sensitive. You will have to deal with expressions of feelings that may be hurtful to you. It won't always be easy. As an example, you may have to explain sad situations -- for example, that a birthparent was alcoholic and neglected the child, or that a birthfather died of AIDS, or that a birthmother was raped -- and do so in a way that is age-appropriate and respectful of the birthparent, even if the birthparent made bad choices. I happen to love being a Mom. I adopted from China as a single woman, when I was 51. My daughter was 18 months old then, and is now 17 and starting college in the fall! We have had a few challenges, but overall, parenting my daughter has been a truly marvelous experience. She is an amazing child. Sharon