told my family about reunion - it didn't go well

Thank you all for your responses.It's been nearly a month since my sister spat her venom at me, and she's apparently still not prepared to apologize. I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family to be the one who extends an olive branch. I agree with whoever above said that sometimes an adult has to step up and make the first move/first apology even when they've been wronged... I've decided to do that in this situation. But I will admit I'm really struggling with it. I decided to write a letter - to protect myself from any further backlash, I hope. Finding the right words to apologize when I'm so hurt (and frankly, so angry) has been difficult. However, I am slowly putting together a letter that apologizes for unintentionally upsetting her... I am hoping that will spark an apology from her.Dickons, the point you brought up - that sometimes it has to be the other person's turn to do the right thing, it shouldn't always fall on my shoulders - I actually discussed that with my husband. He asked me what I "get" from maintaining a relationship with my family. The honest answer is, I don't get all that much... but I do get something. My family and I aren't super-close, but they are my family nonetheless, and I love them. My parents love me too, though there isn't much understanding between us. More importantly, however, my son, now 4 years old, gets something from the relationship. For his sake, so he can have a relationship with his cousins/aunt/uncle/grandparents/great-grandmother, I will swallow anything I must. (So long as nobody hurts HIM. That happens and this mama bear will most definitely NOT preach sitting back and taking another dose.)Beth, thanks for the laugh. I didn't think I could find any humor in this situation, but that got me chuckling... :)

Good luck Emerald - make sure you make a copy of the letter before you send it...just in case... Kind regards,Dickons

Emerald, In the past 2 days I have been thinking of you and about the advice I offered. While not in the same position, I've found myself in a situation where I think I'm right, and a person close to me clearly thinks he's right. It's been very difficult for either of us to give an inch. It's very easy for me to advise you to extend an olive branch, but when faced with that opportunity I've found it very difficult, so I commend you for doing so. I hope your sister will appreciate you concession and all that it means.

I'm not adopted, but several years I DID make a decision that created a lot of drama in my family-especially with my sister, with whom I've always been very close. A friend of mine (who had experienced something similar when coming out to his family) gave me wonderful advice. He reminded me that I needed to give them time. He said, "you've had time to think through all of your feelings, imagine people's reactions, manage your emotions around [the decision]."they haven't. This is new for them and they haven't had the time to get where you are yet." I also had to realize that they might NOT get where I was ever, and I had to be prepared for that. It was hard. I wasn't so surprised by my parents-disappointed but not surprised, but I felt very betrayed by my sister. I know, I know...people can say your mom's had her whole life to come to terms with you searching some day, but a concept is much easier to deny than a reality. Not defending her,btw.While I agree with Dickon's that you SHOULDN'T have to be the one to extend the olive branch, that's always been my role with my family, too. I'm way more emotionally mature than my sister, so if I want to maintain the relationship, I generally make the first move. But you CAN reach out without giving in...in my case it went something like this: "I'm sorry you're upet, but I'm NOT sorry about my decision. I hope with time that you can have peace with it. You're my sister. I love you and our relationship is important to me. Call me when you're ready to talk." Knowing that one day she'd call me for a recipe or something silly, nothing would really be said, but things would get back to normal. It's how she is, and I've accepted that's how she is and decided that's okay with me. However I get A LOT out of our relationship in other ways. Same thing with my dad, who was the parent in my case being the ---. They've both come around, and not only "come around" but actually apologized for how they acted and acknowledged my decision was the best for our family. Their behavior improved In a manner of months (7, to be exact.) good luck to you...while I'm not in your shoes, I do know how hard family drama can be.

I'm so sorry your family has reacted with anger (and even hate). Just a small hint gathered from friends who've been through reunions and wanted to avoid hurt feelings: Refer to your birth mother by her first name, not as "my mother" or "my birth mother." That sometimes takes some of the sting out by implying some distance that may sooth your mother and sister. Refer to your adopted mother as "my real mother." You already called your adopted sister "my real sister," which was a great move and no doubt spoke of your love for her. Her reaction could be seated in typical long term sibling rivalry. I'll remember you in my prayers. You are not doing anything wrong to seek out your birth family. Collect all the family medical records you can. Maybe they will at least understand the value of that.

Emerald, I side with you.I am a male adoptee so my thots may be more direct than many. Regardless, your situation is not easy.Whatever has happened in this family drama has come about as a result of many factors.The new information you have provided has changed all the family rules and regulations in terms of the settling of those past family events.In accordance with that event the family members made up their minds as to how they felt and wanted to act regarding that situation.With the advent of new information they are now forced either to accept new changes in relationships, and act accordingly, or cling to the old. It's easier to hold on to the old.In handling this with my a-family those family members that continued to hold on to ancient scenes and old information I targeted for explanations.I waited till there was no interference, then opened the chat in terms of how they felt and why. My only request was that they speak honestly and share all their feelings. I recognized that it might take several discussions before they were comfortable in sharing.For the most part, the majority of the opposition melted away. Those that held out, used religion or some other means to avoid reality.Once I held out the olive branches, there may have been an uneasy peace in some areas, but they all knew that any time they could re-open the discussion. They never re-opened the discussion and eventually they came to believe I was committed to what I wanted. It was never a matter of right or wrong.In cases of family, there will nearly always be some form of opposition. Whats important is that you take the freedom you have to feel as you do, and stand by it. Those feelings for you are where it is.I wish you the best.

I have to admit I have the bad habit of analyzing everything to death. (Have you ever hear the saying, "Paralysis by analysis?") My thought was is your sister threatened by the fact that you have other siblings as much as she's protective of your mom? She may also be more ambivalent about searching for her birthparents than she seems. It's even possible that she feels that she really can't look because you did and it would be too much for your mom. I may be all wet... I don't know your family; I'm only raising questions.I know that in my own situation, it took a while for D's mom to be comfortable with the idea that D and I were "reunited." We are all clear on that fact that she is his mom. When we all lived closer D invited all of us to his family gatherings (birthday parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) so we did spend time together. D now lives across the country and we don't all get there at the same time. Ultimately I think it was good, because his mom was reassured that she wasn't being replaced. The two of us will never be best friends... we are too different in personality but I love it that she has loved D from the day she got him and always will. It is what I wanted for him! I don't think she is hurt by the relationship D and I have, nor do her 2 daughters (one adopted, one bio) seem to have a problem with it. I think her biggest concern at this point is for her adaughter who is Korean and thus less likely to ever find her bio family even if she ever chooses to search.I'm not sure that adds much to the discussion, but I hope your whole family is able to work through this challenge and become stronger for it. One challenge for you is to refrain from responding by verbally retaliating. ("I" messages are always good. I felt hurt by the things you said.. I love you, no matter what..etc.)

Emerald....I wish I had words to help you understand more.....all I can tell you is, sometimes, an adoptee feels that the birth parent (mostly the birthmother) didn't love them, want them, etc, so they were 'thrown away'. I know this, simply because of my oldest daughter's brother. Let me explain. I am a birthmother. I was forced to give my daughter up for adoption, at birth. She was adopted into a loving family who had adopted a boy prior to my daughter's adoption. When I found my daughter, her brother was extremely upset with her for wanting to meet me or have anything to do with me. He not only felt she was going to hurt her adoptive parent's feelings, but that she was going to get seriously hurt by me...I mean, after all "I threw her away and wanted nothing to do with her" in his mind. He did not understand that I fought tooth and nail to keep my child, but I was only 16 yrs old when I had her, and was told by my own mother that if I did not give her up for adoption, I had nowhere to live..I'd be on the streets trying to care for a baby. I knew my child deserved so much better than I would be able to give her on my own, so, I bowed to my mother's determination and gave her up. We now have a fabulous relationship, even though her adoptive parents are similar to yours in how they feel...mostly her mother. Even after 20+ years, her adoptive mother still feels threatened by me and her brother refuses to have anything to do with me.....he and I have never met, but I have met her adoptive parents. So....having told my story, all I can say is that, perhaps your sister was only trying to protect you and was extremely upset that you obviously did not need or want her protection, so to protect herself, she spewed those hateful comments at you. It does not excuse her behavior, and unlike some above, I do not feel you should apologize, but neither do I feel your sister should. You both were acting in a way of protection toward each other and THAT should be where the focus is. You obviously love each other enough to get this angry at each other (the opposite of love is not hate/anger, it's no feeling at all!!!) for not caving in to each other's pressure. Perhaps, if you can't sit down with your sister, maybe send her a letter, telling her that you're sorry she does not understand, but that you miss her terribly and don't want this rift between you, but that you can't/won't stop seeing your biological family just to assuage her protectiveness when there is nothing to protect you from. If your relationship is good with the bio family, then it's your right to continue that relationship and grow it, but it's also a responsibility, to a degree, to also try to continue to grow your relationship with your sister, until such time that it becomes totally and completely impossible to so do, should that time ever come. Family rifts are the hardest to deal with, and sometimes the hardest to get over.....toss in long lost family, and it becomes even more difficult, but you sound like a strong person, and I hope you can stand your ground on both sides. To me, the focus needs to be on WHY your sister reacted like she did, then try to go from there. Not on the fact that she reacted at all. Try to get her to open up to you. If you have to call her and tell her that you'll call every 5 minutes until she talks to you....then do, but ask her WHY she reacted like that, then see if you can help dispel some of her fears. She may use the "you hurt Mom" as the intial response....but be sure that's the true feeling behind her tantrum. Good luck and my sincere hope is that your family is able to heal and move forward in a positive way, giving everyone space to grow and enjoy each other. Love and light.....B

From what I understand, he once told another family member that if I ever sought out my biological roots he would disown me. I disown him. The best thing I can say about him is that he never managed to breed and the day he croaked was the best day of my life. I later found my b-mom and we had a wonderful relationship for about 14 years until she died.