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Hello all you smart, insightful people. I could use your expertise on something.
So like many adopted adults, I struggle with fairly intense intimacy issues and have since my early teenage years, as far as I can tell.
Despite a messy divorce when I was 14, my adoptive parents have been good parents who were open about my adoption and supportive. I feel terrible that I have trouble being close with them and expressing my appreciation for things they have done for me. Currently I have a good (if slightly distant) relationship with my birthfather as well, which I'm thankful for.
However, I live an extremely isolated life and have virtually no close friends. Although I am friendly and on good terms with people I am forced to interact with, there is no depth to any of my relationships. I also have never been on more than a few dates with the same person, as I just can't see myself opening up to anyone, and it terrifies me, so I just bolt. I find it difficult to express emotion and I can't even bear to hug someone. I don't believe I have ever truly loved someone. At 25, I don't consider myself old, but any way you look at it, 25 years is a long time to be engaging in such a lifestyle! I am terrified about spending the rest of my life without being able to let anybody in.
About a decade ago, I saw a child psychiatrist for unrelated reasons and I remember her saying I was one of the most guarded people she had ever met. In the past she had worked at our local juvenile detention centre, and I remember being upset to hear that she worked with criminals and sociopathic teenagers, but was telling me (a girl from the suburbs with no history of physical or sexual abuse, or really, any strikes against me) that I was an even harder case. Plus, that was a decade ago and obviously nothing has changed, which also upsets me. What a waste!
So I am interested in seeing a therapist, but I find the concept so frightening that I can't even make the first step. About a year ago I did see someone briefly for this issue, but it didn't end well, so now I am even more gun shy. Despite knowing that I was there for "trust issues" she would become frustrated when I didn't want to disclose certain information, or when I wanted to take it slow, and she told me it was my fault that therapy wasn't working because I had "one foot out the door." Which was why I was there in the first place. So I am nervous, and also fearful that it won't help and that I am going to live this way forever. Which isn't really living at all.
Also I feel tremendously guilty, because, as I said, I had a comfortable upbringing, no history of abuse, am well-educated and I'm not sure why I would suffer from such intense intimacy issues when there are people out there with far worse backgrounds.
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I'm sorry you've been struggling so long.You're right, therapy is the way to go. But to get the most out of therapy, you really do need a good therapist. It sounds like you didn't have one about a year ago... or at least, the therapist wasn't a good fit for you.I don't know where you live and how many options you have for therapists (based on insurance, location, etc), but you might want to start with a recommendation from your doctor - assuming your doctor has known you long enough to have a sense of who you are. If so, ask. You can also do a little Googling of local therapists - some will have websites that can give you somewhat of a sense of who they are, what they specialize in, and whether they're likely to mesh well with your personality and needs. Once you pick a therapist, schedule an appointment or two. Lay out for him/her what you feel and what you're looking to accomplish in therapy. Ask if s/he can help.If that therapist can't, move on to someone else. Not all personalities match well together, so there's no harm in changing over to seeing someone else.And, as much as you can within your own self beforehand, resolve to be IN IT - yes, of course you have the right to open up at your own pace. Just brace yourself for the likely-to-be-difficult work that will come with therapy. It will take some doing to change patterns that were set 25 years ago, but you can absolutely do it. With therapy, as with so many other things, you get out what you put into it.Best of luck finding the right fit and making some changes...
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You should not be embarrassed by your situation. You just need to get out and meet some new people and make some new friends. You need someone who can be very close to your heart and whom you can tell everything. Find that person for you. It does not have to be a girl only. The benefit of having friends is that you can tell them anything without thinking twice. If you can find such a person then there is no need to see a therapist.
LetThemTalk,
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. I think a lot of adopted people have similar traits and common issues, no matter whether their experience was traumatic, or it was positive like yours. One of them is intimacy.
The intimacy issue is not something I like to admit, but I asked a friend for some advice the other day and she told me that I was very closed off, too discerning, and that I needed to be more open to new people and experiences.
And it gets worse as I get older. I shut people down very quickly, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.
They did some studies on adoptees, there might be some [URL="http://www.adoption.net/adoptees/guides/what-does-it-mean-be-adopted"]good advice for adopted adults here...[/URL]
They definitely recommend counseling or therapy for adopted kids, and it can't hurt to talk these things out with someone you trust. And at least you're not alone in this...
:wings:
Often, not just for adoptees, but for everyone, it takes a few tries to find a therapist who is a good "fit".
My suggestion is to go to the Psychology Today website and look for a therapist in your area. They will have pictures and profiles, and you can pick a few that sound good and set up a phone consultation where the two of you will chat for a bit and you can see if you "gel" with the person.
Then, you can set up an initial appointment. If, after seeing the person a few times, you still don't feel right, go back to the beginning and look again. It's really common for it to take a few tries, and it's equally as common to click with the first person you talk to.
I am a big fan of CBT, which is a type of therapy that involves behavioral changes. you will get "homework" to work on each week, and will gradually change your behavior which will change your thought processes. More therapists don't really do the "analytical" type of therapy anymore... "tell me about your mother," etc. because it's not really productive. You can only change what is today, and this will help you to move forward.
Really a compromising life may distract from your real world which is awesome and energizer. suggesting you need more focus on other people struggling the same kind of situation.
The world is not alone even you can find similar problems with others as well but its not an issue of continuity. you may come out from the stress first and explore the new opportunities the beautiful world offer.
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U r a respected nice lady and just need to find out the ways which brings happiness and energy into your life.
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