Update on B-dad

And, I'd like to add, even though I am sure you know this in your heart, that this isn't about you - it's about her (your birthfather's wife) pain and insecurities. It was so hard for me to hear those words when this was (is) happening to me, but, at the same time, I needed to hear those words. You have done NOTHING wrong - you were born and represent a part of your birthfather's life before his wife and she is having a hard time dealing with it. I can't promise it will get easier or that it will get better (in my case it did not - and has not - gotten better) but I can promise you that if you keep searching for YOUR truth and trying hard to understand the situation that you will come out through the storm ok. You might be a little battered, but you will be ok. Peace and blessings to you.

@MoonbeamThank you so much for sharing that thread with me. It has helped me put my situation into perspective. I guess being called 'the other woman' or 'mistress' is unfortunately normal. I slightly relieved (but in a bad way) to know this is common. I hope the wife will calm down. I am not after anything but just to know my father. I don't want to take time away from his family, but seeing him every couple of weeks for a few hours isn't asking too much I don't think. She always had an open invitation to meet me or speak to me. Amazing how many of the b-dad's wives' brain think. He is such a great man and it hurts me to know that he is having such a rough time at home. I feel for him.

As adoptees, most of us have had our entire lives to adjust to the idea of being adopted and to prepare for search and "reunion." Your b-dad's response to you has been phenomenal. He didn't know about you, yet he embraced you from the start. However, most people who do not know about an adopted out child will need more time to adjust, and this is true for your b-dad's wife.Since adoption is not the norm, it is difficult for spouses to understand the dynamics of what they are seeing. What are they seeing? They are seeing a grown man spending time with, talking with, emailing, and texting a much a younger woman.And, maybe this man does these things more with the daughter than with the wife.And, they are witnessing the birth of love between two adults. While it is familial love, it can look an awful lot like romantic love to other people. We didn't get to bond with our b-parents. So, we're trying to bond with them now within adult parameters. How often are the two of you talking, texting, meeting? Hopefully, when he does these things with you, he is open with his wife about it. If he is texting you in private, that is going to further exacerbate matters.Everything he does has to be very transparent.... I would recommend that you attempt to contact his wife and ask to spend some time with just her and talk. Just keep letting her know that you want to be a part of all of their lives, not just his.I'm so sorry this is happening to you. While I wish my dad had someone as he ages, I am also thrilled that I don't have to worry about this issue on top of all the other reunion-related complications that we, adoptees, experience.

After coming out of the "bubble" of emotions that I was in - so in that I couldn't see anything other than what was going on in my own little "Cloud 9" - I can look at my first few months of experience in reuniting with my birthfather with a clearer set of eyes. I can see where there was intense emotion and an intense need to know someone that I'd thought for 40 years hated me. I can see where we got too caught up in trying to connect (never inappropriately, but we were very focused on each other) and I've told his wife as much - tried to apologize, tried to see her side, tried to do what she wanted to make her happy...and nothing has changed. I didn't set out to destroy a family or make anyone else's life a living h*ll; I set out to know ME and to hopefully meet some awesome people along the way (which I have). It saddens me that my birthfather's wife can't let go over her perceived perceptions of me. I have changed and learned and grown so much from this experience; I don't see that from her. There comes a point when it's easier to walk away than to be subject to such nonsense...as sad as that is to my heart...

I think it's going to take time for your father to reassure her that she isn't "losing" something. In my opinion that's the only reason I can see that would cause resentment. It's bizarre but my birthmother became very guarded about my contact with my birthfather. She made random comments about how we could only talk for a bit because it "upset" him. I know now that it was simply her insecurity and had nothing whatsoever to do with me or my father but more to do with her issues.

We email every week day, and he calls me few times a week. I dont dare text him anymore, because that is how his daughters found out who I was! But at first they thought I was his mistress. He is open with her. I wrote her a letter, she finally read it. And declines my open invitation to meet me, or to contact me. They all have an open invitation to contact me however they want; I don't contact them (wife and kids) as I don't want to push boundares.

This is very rough for you!!! My bdad is gay, and his partner is just five weeks older than I! Fortunately, his partner is SUPER cool and the three of us are very close (in fact, they live with my son and I, and as I'm a single mom, they have been SUPER resources for me and my son adores them.) I found my bdad when I was almost 30 and he was 51 - in fact, my bmom called him to say "our daughter contacted me" on his partner's 30th birthday.Anyhow, jealousy is apparently a very typical feeling for the partners of bparents, even if your bdad's wife would no doubt realize that it's irrational. She needs to examine her feelings and give your bdad space to embrace the part of his life that is YOU. However, you can't control that, and your bdad can't either. You have to be respectful, obviously, but this is really on your bdad to work through with his wife - it is NOT your responsibility. You're obviously an adult, but your bdad and his wife are "the adults" in this situation, so the adjustment is on THEIR shoulders. Try to enjoy this chance to get to know your bdad and just keep telling yourself his wife's feelings are HERS to own.

I would continue to encourage your father to invite his wife when the two of you get together.An open invitation is lovely. But, it is still better if he directly asks her if she wants to go with him.It may just be too soon for her.... She may be wondering how many other children he has fathered since you are now the second one she's heard about since marrying him, correct? It's a lot for her to process.... Thankfully, she is being an adult. She isn't stopping your b-dad from communicating with you. Since she opened up her heart once before to another one of his children, I just assume it will take a bit of time for her to open up to you. It seems to me that two three things may be going on with her: 1) she feels like her husband's love is being pulled elsewhere, 2) she's trying to protect herself and her children from what happened the last time around, and 3) she's worried about who else may ring the doorbell. So, she does have a lot to work through. And, I hope that she will be able to do so. The good news is that you still get to have a relationship with your father, which is a positive sign.Poor Moonbeam got shut out of having a relationship with her father because of her dad's wife. Right now, that's not your situation. So, I think you are currently handling things as best as you can handle them.I really do have high hopes that she will come around. Your relationship is still developing, and she hasn't stopped it. That's a good sign. She does intellectually know that this is the right thing to do. It's just going to take a bit of time for her emotions to catch up.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advise. As this isn't easy, I know it could be worse. It is nice to get an outside opinion from those who can relate to what I am experiencing. @L4R--you are right, on all three points you have made. The wife is probably wondering if there is anyone else out there. I mean my b-dad didn't even remember Susie until he saw me as I look exactly like her. Apparently there was a lot to drink on my conception night...haha. It is amazing how people who have never met will all think along the same lines when the similar situation thinking patterns are the same.

Wow! And, if your b-dad mentioned this to his wife, this may have added onto the pain she is experiencing.... You are a much younger woman who looks exactly like a woman he had been attracted to (and had sex with) years ago. It is a lot for this woman to handle.... I feel for you--immensely. It isn't fair. But, we have known that our b-relatives were out there, and we were able to prepare ourselves to find them. His wife was unprepared. The fact that she has gotten more emotional since finding out that DNA proves he's your father is not surprising at all. It's now real. Just give her time and space (but still tell your father to always ask her if she would like to come along) to process all of this.... As I have said, I'm hopeful that she will be able to come to terms with this. You've said that she intellectually knows the right thing to do.

Paternity Court is coming to television this fall. If you're involved in a paternity dispute and would like the chance to have your case settled on television -- call 323.960.4238 to submit your story OR email me at cindi@beonpaternitycourt.tv.

Paternity Court is coming to television this fall. If you're involved in a paternity dispute and would like the chance to have your case settled on television -- call 323.960.4238 to submit your story OR email me at cindi@beonpaternitycourt.tv.

Wow! Thanks for the insight! That does make a lot of sense actually. Still sick....but definitely makes sense!! Thank you so much L4R!

I had a like situation as far as traits. I look VERY much like my mother. My mother and my first father divorced when I was very young and my mother later remarried and my step father adopted me. When I contacted my first father as an adult, his wife knew I looked like the mother/ex-wife. I bet that is a hard pill to swallow for many wives.

I had the same situation at the beginning of the reunion with my birthfather. She never stopped him from seeing/talking with me. But it took 6 months before his wife would allow him to tell his daughters (my half sisters), over a year before I could come to his city (only when everyone but he was out of town), and 2 years before I stayed in their home. "Fast"forward, although we are not close, I am accepted along with my grown children. As a matter of fact, my son stayed with them while he was in grad school for 6 months. It takes lots of patience. I never pushed for more than my bf could give. You may never get there but you have to accept that it is just what it is. In my case, although I never understood it, I came to the conclusion that it was my birthfather I wanted a relationship with and I had that. The rest is gravy. I'm very grateful to have the relationships that I have and hope that as time goes on, all of the relationships will be much better. Good luck with your reunion.