Advertisements
Advertisements
With adoption being said to be such a beautiful thing!
For the adoptive parents sure it is, they get a baby they been wanting for.
For the agency it is they are getting paid at the expense of another human beings pain.
For the attorney it is he/she also getting paid.
The birth parents (primarily moms)
Walk away empty handed with a devastated heart. And told get on with your life. And from my experience and reading others experiences most of us don't just Cary on like nothing happened.
I think there has to be laws to make sure birth moms have counseling before, during and after adoption.
Not some social worker at the agency that she is placing the baby through as they are not unbiased.
One she chooses at her own free will.
And all counseling should be available for at least a year after placement.
Right now I can't think of anything else, so if you have any other ideas or comments feel free to chime in.
Truthspeaker,
You are missing the person who is the most important in the equation and that is the adopted person.
The first step in all of this is to get open records across the whole country. When we end that secrecy the rest will come.
All of your posts talk about how much loss first mothers feel, trust me I know how much it is because I placed my only child for adoption, but I am also adopted. Even though I grew up in a good home, I still feel loss.
I agree that expectant moms need unbiased counseling, however, that is going to be pretty hard to legislate. In my state, the people in charge think that "crisis pregnancy centers" are unbiased, when in fact most of us know that they aren't.
Expenses need to be controlled, fees need to be lowered, OA needs to be enforceable, father's rights need to be protected. There are oh so many things, but open records need to come first.
Advertisements
I agree with the open records.
I shouldn't have to go get DNA testing (which i'm considering) to figure out what I may have passed to my children, or what ticking time bomb may be waiting for me as I get older.
and more available counseling for adoptees
I definitely wouldn't go with crisis pregnancy centers as a means for counseling.
There's always going to be those that want to keep adoption closed and sealed.
Of course my post speak about the pain of birth moms I experienced that first hand.
Do I feel like I got blindsided and slapped in the face by others involved? Yes I do. Are there others like me? Yes there are.
I specifically wrote her a letter and when she reuinited with me she showed me a completely different letter.
Then she gave me grief about how awful I was to place her up for adoption and yada yada! I owed her and so on.
I don't see how legislating emotional care for the birth mother would be so difficult. After all govt legislates a lot more trivial things than adoption.
Just my opinion.
Truth,
I don't think you are reading our posts.
Your daughter is damaged, no doubt about it. Is that because of her adoptive home? Could be. Is that because of adoption loss itself? Could be. She could be using drugs to self medicate a mental illness or simply the emotional pain she feels from losing her biological connection, which are very important to some adopted people. I can't say.
What I can say is that you want us to see your side of things. Believe I do. I have a very rocky OA with my own son who is nine. I know how hard it is to lose a child to adoption. Mine is compounded with secondary infertility. I know you are hurting and I know that it is hard that your daughter didn't grow up the way you wanted her to.
If you slow down and listen to others, really listen, you might see that we are on your side. You might try to have some empathy for at least adopted people. We may be able to help you see what is going on with your daughter. It is probably far more complex than it appears.
Advertisements
Belle I do empathize with others here, even adoptive parents that have struggled to have children. I'm trying to see all sides. Yes I'm sure the meth and hard liquor are from some kind of illness.
I don't use the written word very well and my post come off harshly. My apologies.
Here is my take on my bio daughter
Her adoptive mother especially (being she is my sisters cousin in law I have insight) figured she had to make up for not having blood lines. She had them jumping through hoops constantly. She had her adoptive dad wrapped around her pinky. I was told she would grow up in a well adjusted home and would have a great life.
They gave and gave to her and it got too far out of hand.
So could be mental illness or could be spoiled brat syndrome.
So yeah she should have had appropriate counseling early on and I should have as well.
Maybe adoptive parents should be counseled (don't know if they are).
Maybe people should all the way around understand better instead of anyone jumping in with 2 feet.
Truthspeaker
Belle I do empathize with others here, even adoptive parents that have struggled to have children. I'm trying to see all sides. Yes I'm sure the meth and hard liquor are from some kind of illness.
I don't use the written word very well and my post come off harshly. My apologies.
Here is my take on my bio daughter
Her adoptive mother especially (being she is my sisters cousin in law I have insight) figured she had to make up for not having blood lines. She had them jumping through hoops constantly. She had her adoptive dad wrapped around her pinky. I was told she would grow up in a well adjusted home and would have a great life.
They gave and gave to her and it got too far out of hand.
So could be mental illness or could be spoiled brat syndrome.
So yeah she should have had appropriate counseling early on and I should have as well.
Maybe adoptive parents should be counseled (don't know if they are).
Maybe people should all the way around understand better instead of anyone jumping in with 2 feet.
Truthspeaker, I understand that your daughter is damaged but when it comes to reunion and adoption there are very many different outcomes.
I can assure you that when I made contact with birthfamily, I was very very respectful of everyone's feelings and still am. Even though my contact is only with extended family (as bmom is long gone), it is still a rollercoaster.
I do agree with others about open records. Records have been open for decades where I live (overseas). What I found helpful when I got my OBC is that I was sent a very handy booklet outlining the expectations and possible outcomes. I have often wondered whether any of the open record states in the US ever send along any helpful info with the OBCs so that the adoptee has some sort of guide as to how to go ahead.
When it comes to counselling of women with unplanned pregnancies, they need to be treated as human beings. Their extrinsic "reasons" for considering adoption should firstly be considered by their social workers something to be discussed and overcome rather than exploited.
"Pregnancy options counselling" should not lead anyone in any particular direction.
Ghastly sites like this should be banned:
[url=http://ichooseadoption.org/]I Choose Adoption - Information and resources about adoption[/url]
The above site claims to be helping women make a decision but, to me, it is literally selling adoption.
Well that site was enough to make me feel a little sick to my stomach from all the sugar and goodness.
I seriously don't think that much will happen nationally until we get rid of sealed OBC's. Yes there are always going to be people that disagree with them, but there are always going to be people that disagree with anything, it doesn't mean the discussion is any less worth having. Once the secrecy is gone and first parents aren't legally washed away, it will be much harder to pretend we don't exist.
Then you go forward with legally enforceable OA's and the like.
The reason I think counseling is going to be hard to legislate is this: In the state I live in, a woman must get counseling before having an abortion and the state has dictated where she can go for counseling on her options. Every single one is a Christian crisis pregnancy center. So how easy is it for the state to legislate biased counseling for women considering adoption? Yep, pretty darn easy and then what are you left with? Even more coerced women. Not that it isn't a discussion worth having, but PP has been fighting this law for about three years and can't get anywhere.