Sharing the ramifications of adoption on me with Amom

Just want to stress that not all birthmothers that aren't from the baby scoop era were or are drug addicts. A common misconception.

agreed. No disrespect meant to anyone.

I'm sure some other folks will have some books to suggest, but I was wondering if there are adoptive mom support groups near where you live...perhaps talking to adoptive moms whose children are now grown and post reunion with biological/birth/first parents or talking to adoptive families in open adoption might also help? Good luck to you.

I hope a book or resource like this exists for you (and for her). But what is her response when you discuss this with her? As an Amom, let me say that this is scary stuff. I walked into this with my eyes wide open about adoption and I still have days that I resent the connection he has with his bfamily. (don't know why, can't explain it.) If you can't talk with her alone, try to find an adoption counselor and make an appointment for the 2 of you.

Tankeryanker, "The Primal Wound" is NOT well accepted by many adoptive parents - despite being written by an adoptive parent. Some hear Primal Wound and only hear/see the automobile wreck where the leg of the victim is hanging on and can't be fixed nor removed just left hanging for life - rather than understanding that based on the INDIVIDUAL (we aren't all identical clones) it can be a gaping wound right down to a cut that breaks open now and again that hurts, sometimes badly. The fact that there is a second book that speaks to "Coming Home to Self" (the dealing with it follow up, i.e. healing) never seems to register. People want to jump to the extremes without applying common sense... If you want to give your mom a book to read to start with I would suggest "Being Adopted - The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, Marantz Henig. Honestly, it covers most of the exact same things, but in much less emotive words and ties in the different cognitive stages/feelings from infant to senior years, and the feelings that come out at each stage. I think that would be the better starting place if you want to be able to have discussions. Kind regards,Dickons

I agree with suggesting the second book. I wanted to share what i had found, after reading Primal Wound, with my parents. For me it explained so much! For my Mom it explained quite a bit, we sat together on the couch with book in her lap crying one day. Couldn't believe it was really so simple, how could we not have seen this in the midst of things. BUT, that was only that day. It became threatening to her, she found all sorts of arguments against the theory. Which I suppose I could have done to, if I wanted to. I imagine because she just didn't want it to be so true. Hey, who does. My Mom has a PHd too, so who knows. She is the type that fights for everything to be OK, overlook the bad cause it's all good. A get back on the horse kind of gal, which I love her for, sometimes! Not always a bad way to be, but that's just not always how it works. At this point I've completely given up trying to help her understand many things. She has her way of looking at things, I've accepted that's how she will always be. It became not so important to me anymore if she understood or not. I am pretty sure she does, by some of the things she says about others situations. She just doesn't want to talk about us! What is most important is that I understand, and I planted a seed in her about it.

"She is the type that fights for everything to be OK, overlook the bad cause it's all good. A get back on the horse kind of gal, which I love her for, sometimes!" This is my mom. And for her it shouldn't matter that I think about my first family everyday. How ungrateful of me. BethVA62, I sent you a pm regarding a post of yours and I said that my mother has had a charmed life. I have had a hard life, and have been punished by my Aparents for doing things that my first family might have done. Gosh so much conflict. Okay regarding books. Both of the books mentioned are on my desk. The being adopted book struck a nerve, because to me, it says, this is the **** these kids go through, but oh well. My A mom would love that, cause then she could in one easy afternoon, say "okay, life is a beach, and it is time to move on". Primal wound feels more nurturing to me. More validating. Why do I have to continue to prop up the Afamily? Why can't they take care of themselves the way that I have had too. I am not going to send them away to private school if they act out. (Gawd writing all of this is so therapeutic). Thanks, PS. I am so hurt and mad. I am glad I lifted the lid off of the adoption box, but right now my anger is focused at the haves (afamily) and not the have nots (birth family).

That's why this one was suggested LOL She'd like it better, yet still get a bit of understanding. It would speak to her better. You will know how she reacts to reading and talking about it. Then you can hit her with the Primal Wound! IF you think it will help either or both of you. Me too. Because they didn't have to. Because they don't know how to. Because they don't want to have to, either. You don't have to prop them up if you don't want to. If you want better relationships with them, you GET to :cool: Now is the time when everything can change. It goes back to that job we were given to have them as our parents. At least that's the way it's been for me, and others I know. My Mom and I haven't talked much at all, certainly not about emotions. I found little comfort there. I found her weaknesses. I found her charmed and blessed fairytale life she likes to stay in. I found she's had her bad times too, she'd never tell, she just moves on and never ever goes back, at least not outloud. A few years in I've seen her, noticed how she tries so hard to avoid hard things. I know she doesn't like it when things are not like she wants them to be. I know she freaks out about stuff just like I do, she'd never tell me. A couple of years ago my Dad began to tell me how upset she gets about stuff, and had gotten emotional in the past. (traitor LOL) I see her differently now. She does try. She's not so perfect, not so strong. She does need me to reassure her, keep her from worrying, just like I want/need her to do for me. I think I'm just better at it than she is! I've worn her down LOL I talked to her tonight, told her my son and I were going for a visit in Ohio. (I don't say we are going to visit my father (I call him Dad) and family, Ohio is sort of a code word:rolleyes: ) But I always tell her when we go. She said; "Oh your going to visit your Dad? Well good! It's been a year or more hasn't it?" She didn't have that weird thing in her voice, she didn't stutter fff ffff ffather, she said Dad :eek: I could tell she didn't twitch at all, she didn't cut the call short, and then she went on to talk about the weather and how we might miss the storms that are coming here while we are up there. I might as well have said I was going to the grocery store. After I got up from the floor, I realized how **** proud I am of her. It only took her 13 years after I popped the bubble to get here!!!:grr: :woohoo:

Beth you are one insightful person! Perhaps you had some rather insightful birth parents. As an amom and I'm possibly the most opposite of your amom, however; I can tell you we all have some wounds. I'm sure your amom has the wound of not having her own bio children (assuming), she has the wound of adopting a child whom although she will love and raise as hers will never truly be. It takes a lot of soul searching and crying to get past these wounds and perhaps if she's the get back on the horse type of gal she probably got that from her parents who didn't fully address their own issues. It sounds like you're taking care of getting your own needs met which is what matters. You're amom will come along once she's had enough time to process this (in her own way) hopefully she'll progress a bit quicker not that the proverbial cat is out of the bag. Best of luck!C -

Hey wrking, thanks You got me thinking LOL I think all of my parents are insightful, even my mom. Maybe it did rub off on me from all directions. My mom just hides everything and goes on like nothing is going on - while she is angry, or trying to control everything in a passive aggressive sort of way. It really is funny, now, her kids and my kids can tell stories of how she has pretty much told us off and we didn't even notice until we had left the area - then it hits you what she really meant with her passive aggressive kind sounding statement LOL I didn't find it so funny years ago, neither did my kids or brothers. I am surprised that she hasn't managed to deal with it, stop it. She's been confronted about it directly by my brothers, me, and especially my adult daughter. She gives Nana hell LOL she calls her out on everything, unlike my brothers and I did. I'm trying to learn how she does it! Oh, and my mom is one of "those". Adopt and then you will have a baby. She had two sons, after many miscarriages and near death with her first birth. I am very happy she survived and went on to have another son. I consider myself lucky too, she has an understanding of the differences, which I am grateful for. I think we have both realized that we are both stubborn gals who are going to do what we are going to do. I think we have finally learned to work around that LOL and have built a much closer relationship since. I think she has progressed about as far as she is willing. I am willing not to rock her boat with "my" stuff anymore. it is what it is, it's not necessary for her to see it the same way I do. Now that we are 51 and 77, things are certainly different for us due to that. I get to go see her next week, maybe we can find even more hatchets to bury then, while I am fixing things around the house for them. It's not something I expect to happen tho! LOL