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Hi, I need advice so badly. I will try and keep this as brief as possible. My son is 24 yeas old. I have been in his life since he was 8 months old and he grew up knowing only me as his mother. My husband had custody of him and his birth mother chose not to be in his life. My husbands grandmother took it upon herself to tell him 4 years ago and I wasn't informed of that until he knew for over a year. I know that it was wrong to keep it from him but he was ADHD and there just never seemed to be a good time. My son and I have never spoke of this.
My son's girlfriend for the past few months would drill me about his birth mother every time she got me alone. This was very upsetting for me. This past week she asked me how to spell the birth mother's name and viola, the next day I see the birth mother's whole family on her friend's list. I told this girl that I didn't want to talk about it or know about it as it was so upsetting. I know that this may seem selfish but this is how I feel. I raised him, I did all of the work to get him where he is today. I am so afraid that he is going to meet this new family and forget about his real family. He will be meeting these people as an adult, there is no history good or bad. Of course everyone will be super loving and friendly and everything etc... I just can't be happy for him right now. P.S, I don't know my father and I have no desire to. So it's not like I can't relate.
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Nannie, I'm sorry you are hurting and will start at the end of your post first because it is important. If he wants to meet, or get to know his other mother then no, you can't relate because you have no desire to meet your father. The only way you could is if you felt the same way as he did. If you believe you can understand then you are going to keep your mind closed to why he has this need. You were wrong to keep it from him because it was his truth to know. Your choices also put the rest of the family who knew in the hard position of lying to him to cover your lie. Secrets always come out. Your husband also needs to take responsibility in not telling him - because even if he deferred to your choice, he allowed that to happen. You can't change the past, but you can do your best to change the future. You have always been the mom (the adult) in the relationship and right now you need to show him you are the mom who has always loved and supported him, and bring it up and clear the air with him - both you and your husband need to apologise for not telling him. His choice is his whether to accept it or not - your choice is whether you love him enough to be the mom who supports him through this - whatever he chooses to do as an adult. Love is not something limited, it is limitless. If you can love one person, you can love a hundred people. Kind regards,Dickons
P.S, I don't know my father and I have no desire to. So it's not like I can't relate.
My son is 24 yeas old. I have been in his life since he was 8 months old and he grew up knowing only me as his mother. My husband had custody of him and his birth mother chose not to be in his life. My husbands grandmother took it upon herself to tell him 4 years ago and I wasn't informed of that until he knew for over a year. I know that it was wrong to keep it from him but he was ADHD and there just never seemed to be a good time. My son and I have never spoke of this.
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Nannie, you have worked hard to be in his life and to give him the values he has.Dickons is right in terms of leaving decisions of this type to him. But also because he wants to know more about b-family does not automatically mean a loss for you. He will never be able to give you up as a part of his growing up family.There is no requirement that you interact with his b-family. He can have 2 families and see each one independently of the other if that is his choice. If he wants to combine both families that will work itself out and the individuals involved will express how they feel.I urge you to give him the freedom to find, search, get to know, or be a part of the b-family he wants to know.In his eyes your standing will improve a great deal because you are not opposing what he wants and he knows you will be there for him.I wish you the best.
Please be very careful not to make him believe that he has to choose between you and them, because you may not like his choice. Even if you're not saying it, your attitude may be speaking for you. My situation is very different, but my DS's has been in recent contact with his birth family. I was beyond nervous, but I can honestly say that it's strengthened our relationship. His love for his other mom in no way detracts form his love for me. Like Dickons said, there's enough love in the his heart to go around.