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Hi - I'm new here and could use some advice. My son and DIL adopted a severely disturbed son originally from an Eastern European country. This isn't his original home here in the US - his first adopted family disrupted and my kids were somewhat pressured to "rehome" him by their minister/church. This was a private arrangement, so there are no social workers involved. My kids are good hearted but they are a bit sheltered and way, way over their heads here.
He is supposedly 9 yo, but the pediatrician and dentist think he is several years older. I've never seen behaviors like his before. He gets into these long rages and the sounds that come out of him do not even sound human, definately not like a typical little kid's temper tantrums. He constantly lies, steals whatever he wants, and destroys what he does not want. But the worst is that he urinates and poops all over the kids house, my house, the cars, etc. He even collects his bodily refuse in bottles and jars. (He's checked out medically - this is a psychological, not a physical problem) No, even worse than that are his sexual behaviors - things I can't even discuss in writing.
I do understand he is a very damaged child. But, I'm really embarassed to say, he absoluely repulses me. I've never experienced that with a child before. I try my best to hide this and do the "fake it 'till you make it", but it is hard. My kids are so stressed out, and I would hate to add anything to their burden. Luckily he is the only kid in the house.
Has anyone experienced this? What helps? I feel so guilty, sometimes I can't stand myself.
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It sounds like you are struggling with your own feelings and not caring for him like you might another grandchild? I don't know how to help you with that. And obviously I haven't heard your kid's perspective of what kind of support that they need, but will share my experience of what was most helpful from my parents. We had a similar situation with a severely disturbed kid but were the first placement stateside and worked toward the severity of what your kids are experiencing when we finally rehomed to another family at the age of eight. We had similar issues with the raging, non-human noises, pooping, peeing, and worse. This is my perspective and mine only, so take it for what it's worth! I didn't need my parents to attach to my kid. In fact, it would have been far more difficult for me to have had them attach to him. I needed validation that I wasn't the crazy one cause let me tell you, he could put on a great little perfect child show for everyone he met-- you had to be very close to see the truth. All I ever heard from the outside was how cute and sweet and charming and whatever the heck else about him-- and yet he was litterally destroying my home in more than one way, despite counseling, special school program, etc. I needed my folks to be willing to help with him as needed (which was occasionally, but nothing I took advantage of) but to be a safe place that I knew that they knew what he had potential for. It helped me tons to hear from them that he was NOT like the other boy grandkids (I KNEW he wasn't like my other kids, lol) and that they understood the dire situation we faced liability-wise, etc. And having their support when we finally did disrupt was very helpful. So I guess I would suggest that you really try to sort out whether your kids want you to act as though you care for this kid like any other, or if they need you to aknowlege for them that he isn't, that you support whatever they choose to do, and that you recognize there may be nothing they have done wrong or can do to fix the situation. If they want the prior, you'll probably need to put on a good face and pretend and be MOST thankful he isn't your child!
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Thank you so much for taking your time to respond - you really opened my eyes. I see where my kids need empathy, support, and understanding - and validation that they are not crazy! - not the usual cheery "let's pretend everything is ok" when it is anything but.
I really think they moved too quickly with this adoption. They were planning to adopt and had the background/house check done, but all the sudden, with no prior experience, they now have a very difficult child on their hands. It seems like his first family was desperate to rehome him and if his behaviors were even disclosed in advance, in all their excitement, the kids didn't pick up on it. But because their minister was involved in the process and was somehow related to the first family, my kids don't want to make a stink about it.
Anyway, after my DIL had a breakdown last night sayng she couldn't take it anymore, I told the kids that I would hire a licensed social worker and a family attorney to meet with them see what their options are. I'm also going to look for a temporary home situation he can live in while everthing is straightened out. The child appears to fiercely hates my kids, even after a year, so I doubt he will even care. Luckily I have some financial resources to help them out. Either because the child didn't come from Social Services or because it was originally an international adoption, there is apparently little to no support we can expect from them.
My kids' one big dream is to have a big family - lots of children. But that can't happen with this placement, as this child absolutely cannot be around any other children or pets without intense supervision. In addition, my kids can't bring their son to any family gatherings - he is explicitly unwelcome due to his behaviors - and nobody but my dh and I will have him over or go to their house any more. It sounds cruel, but if you've lived through having him over, I really can't blame them.
I have to admire those therapeutic parents out there who are called to parent these challenging children. That is a special kind of strength.
You know, you sound like an amazing mother and grandmother to me :) You haven't run a mile, you are supporting your son and DIL and still trying to forge a relationship with your grandson. That's way beyond what so many would try.It does sound to me like your kids were really misled. It can happen with social services as well, but when an authority figure, eg. a minister if you are church folk, says something is a good idea, it's hard to think that they might be misleading or even lying to you. I can especially can see how you could be really misled by a minister you expect to be fully truthful as the Bible tells them to be, if they are pushing you.Shame on everyone who failed to give all the pertinent information to your kidsNone of my children have such severe problems, but as a 'trauma mum' and as a grandmother, I would agree with saranbr and say that it may be better for you to not try to attach to him. He is clearly not able to form attachments himself, and attachment is a TWO WAY process. You are trying to love and build a relationship on something which will only ever be one way because this boy is too hurt to be trust and build good relationships. If your son and DIL want to disrupt this adoption then the best thing is to do as you are doing, and seek out resources to help them, and support them. You might not be able to have a real relationship with their son, but supporting them in this dark hour will hopefully bring you closer to both of them. A supportive and understanding mother can be one of the most important things in the worldBe there for them as a helper, non-judgemental listening ear.Follow their lead on how to interact with your grandson, and treat your grandson fairly but don't feel pressure to continue trying to attach to him. We humans aren't really hardwired to manage close relationships without feeling reciprocal/mutual love and care on both sides.Best of luck to you all, I really hope you find help. There are some posters on this forum who have sadly also needed to disrupt adoptions and are really well versed in law and practice in several states and if you start a thread about disruption you may get some great information from them. I'm afraid I can't be of any help there not being American myself, but you are in my thoughts
It does sound as if they were not only unprepared but misled as well-- so, so sad. And yes, it will be the end of their dream to have a big family if he is that unsafe. There are some who are willing to take these kids. We found a family through an agency, but others do it privately. As you mentioned, being an IA, there is no help from social services... Thoughts and prayers that your kids can get this situation figured out and an appropriate home can be found for this troubled child.
My advice as someone raising a child with similar issues is first don't keep telling them they messed up. They know, and they are probably beating themselves up enough for not being careful. Also reassure them that they are good parents, they are doing the best they can under the circumstances and probably better than many. Assure them that you are sure that they will be wonderful parents when they get the chance to raise healthier children. Some things that can help if you are local would be bringing over dinner, or coming over and helping a little with laundry or housework. A couple of pizza gift cards for those evenings when they are too wrung out to cook. If you can handle it babysit for a couple of hours so they can get some time away. (if not don't feel guilty). Search for therapeutic respite. Tell them often that you are proud of them for what they are trying to do. With my son I often feel like a complete failure as a mother, even though I have three other healthy children. So if they only have one, they may often feel like they failed, especially the mom who is often targeted by kids like this. (plus we all know, us moms tend to take our identities as mothers seriously) Make sure she knows she is not a failure. Tell them you understand they are doing the best they can and ask what you can do to help. Sometimes it might be listening. Sometimes it might be watching him so she can take a shower without fear of what he is doing. Maybe it's grocery shopping.
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Well, it is out of our hands. Adopted grandson raped a neighborhood girl - I do not want to get too graphic, but it was an actual rape as opposed to just kids "playing around". This, after killing several neighboring pets.
He is now in custody and we do not know what will happen. My kids can't afford a private attorney, so they are going with the public defenders office. The investigators said it said there is no way this kid is 9 or 10 years old - he is already in puberty. He is short, so someone conveniently told a huge whopping lie about his age, about everything. The police also said the system is terrible in that the only way you can get help for a kid like this is after the crime is committed unless you have gobs of money and spare time.
Obviously, my kids do not want him to return to their household and after catching him trying to bake my cat alive in my oven, neither do I. Luckily I caught him early enough so that the cat is doing ok. Can't say the same for that poor innocent little girl - I cry every time I think about her.
Their pastor who arranged the whole thing is laying low. Unlike the rehoming that was recently reported on Reuters, this was legal - there was a home study, attorney, etc. It's just that the kids were told the only reason he was being rehomed was that he didn't get along with the other kids in the family.
I don't want to put a damper on international adoptions - far from it. There are so many children out there who need loving homes But parents must do their due dilligence. You don't have the checks and balances you have with most domestic adoptions. My kids are not very worldly, a bit too passive and are people pleasers. Warning signs were there - they just either didn't see them or, more likely, were so far into the process they couldn't feel they could act upon them.
Well, I no longer have these awful guilty feelings for not attaching to this child. Never in my life before had I disliked a child in that manner, it was almost like a physical repulsion. I just hope and pray that the little girl recovers as much as possible.
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I have an update. My adopted grandson is still in juvenile custody, as the State is not certain how all the charges will be filed, since his purported age is right on the line between too young to be held accountable and old enough to be held accountable. Investigators and medical examiner all think he is considerably older than what we were told, and if they can prove that, he is definately old enough to press rape and kidnapping charges.
What may be of interst to other adopted grandparents in my situation is what my attorney advised me. In talking over what to do if the boy gets released back to his parents, I told him I would pay for respite or for a Residential Treatment Center while my kids decide what to do, he said absolutely not! That would be the greatest mistake I could possibly make. The reason is that if he gets turned over to the State for custody - as he eventually will, because he is so dangerous he can no longer return home - the State will find those records and claim that I had agreed to take over his financial support. They could then look to me for his child support and attach every asset I have if necessary.
No wonder some parents feel their only alternative is to give their kid away to strangers. The general public has absolutely no concept of how malignant these kids can be. I know - if you had talked to me several years ago - I would have said there was no way I could ever have rehomed a child, that parents who do so must be really cruel and selfish. My idea of what a "problem" child back then was just a child with a smart mouth, who refused to do their chores or homework, who ditched school, etc. I had absolutely no idea that some of these behaviors even existed. It would have been helpful if the media presented this side of the story as well.