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I honestly feel like I just have to rant to people that might understand how I feel and where I am coming from. I've tried talking to my FI about this over abundance of emotions but I'm not getting the responses I want, or need.
I'm 25, closed adoption, I have always known I was adopted and never had an issue with it. My parents are my parents and I love them immensely. My biological father contacted me via Facebook on fathers day of this year. He had been sending messages to girls my age, with my physical features and DOB that he could find, he was asking if I was adopted, and told me about his daughter. We spent a few hours confirming details and everything matched, before I was too emotional over the situation I contacted the adoption center - they contacted me a few days later to confirm his name, and that he was in fact my biological father. That is the moment that my emotions overloaded me. I am a very fact oriented person, so until that point I had been completely fine.
Over the next few days I was told I have a brother a year older than me, and one that is 3 years younger than I am.. Along with 11 half siblings. My biological mother is an addict, and lost all of her children years ago, she's still a mess, I had a brief conversation with her to introduce myself, and have since then cut contact.
My biological father gave me the 'deadbeat father' vibe, he seemed like he had his life together new, new wife of 10 years, another three kids, the whole deal. But I couldn't shake the deadbeat feeling I was getting from him, and the fact that had he had another 4 kids with 3 different women. We had a few good conversations nightly and got to know each other, then he would disappear for a few days at a time without a word. I come from a pretty close family, so this was confusing and hard for me to understand - someone stating that they were looking for me for the last 20 years, but couldn't make 15 mins a night to talk to me? I wasn't okay with that.
I had been in contact with my younger brother (22) who told me that the biological is almost non existent in his life, and he was say they have no relationship at all. 3 days after no contact from biological father he finally popped up on my Facebook, after playing his candy crush games apparently. I promptly informed him that if he wanted to attempt to have a relationship with me then it had to be an actual relationship, not the type of relationship he has with the other 4 kids that don't live in his home. After I said that, something snapped in me.. I don't know what happened. - He told me that he was willing to work at it if I was. I just told him I wasn't, sorry, and removed him from my Facebook, auto filtered his e-mails to trash and was done with it.
I am in contact with my younger brother a few times a week, he grew up knowing he had an older sister. But the family is just a huge disappointment for me.. I have never been part of something so broken before. The younger brother is a great kid but he is so emotionally confused that I have a hard time dealing with it, he has a pregnant girlfriend he's known less than a year, and is apparently only with her because he wanted a baby. I just can't understand these choices.. I want a relationship with my brother, I really do. But I am not good at reaching out to people.
The half brother had confided in me a lot about his depression, about his girlfriend making it worse and wanting to come home, I said what any normal person would - get rid of the girlfriend and work on making yourself happy. I woke up to a 17 year old telling me off via facebook the next day. She had decided to go through his phone while he was asleep. He doesn't talk to me anymore now. Again, I'm confused by the lack of giving a **** about your family that all of these people carry.
I am angry and hurt about this whole situation and I have no one that seems to understand it or offer any words of support.
My parents do not know that any of this happened, neither of them like any adoption talk of any sort being brought up.. My mother ends up crying and angry if I ask questions.
Sorry for that novel.
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Oh wow - what a mess. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Some families are dysfunctional because that is how they were brought up, and have never known anything different. They can't break the cycle no matter how much they might want too. If your biological father has a tendency to appear and disappear then you either have to accept that he doesn't view relationships the same way as you do - or that's how he believes relationships should be. Your call on whether you want to know him. There is often emotional pull-back in adoption reunions, and if he has been looking for 20 years then reaching the end of the search may have made him more emotionally invested and hence the pull back (disappearing). It doesn't sound like you can answer which it is the correct answer with the minimal contact you have had but perhaps you can. The only think I can tell is to stay guarded if you want to have any type of relationship. You talk about a younger brother and a half brother - are they two people or just one who has a girlfriend who is pregnant but wants to come home? If yes and you don't say how long you have known your brother, but I have to be honest and tell you I do think you may have overstepped by telling your brother to ditch his girlfriend that is pregnant with his child. It sounds like he was trying to be a stand-up guy and support her but perhaps needed a safe shoulder to lean on or vent to because it's a lot of responsibility he has no idea how to face? Sorry if I have combined the two but it was unclear to me. You are fairly young and perhaps you would be best just keeping it very casual and see how they are over a period of time - that way you can decide whether you want to invest time in knowing them. Sorry if this is muddled but - tough to answer. I wish you didn't have to deal with this. Kind regards,Dickons
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Yes I agree with Dickons... don't get too involved too early. For instance you are coming across as a bit judgmental towards your birth father based on things his son has said about him. It doen't sound like you know either of them well or met them yet? I recommend doing some research on reunions before going further into this complicated bio family. For instance, when you became angry with your birth father and defriended him etc could be you putting up blocks unconsciously because he didn't immeditately meet your expections. Wanting his attention nightly could be a bit hard for him. Talk to a post adoption councillor if you can or there is lots of information on the internet. Look up the "stages of reunion" if you haven't already. I feel you should be cautions until you know these people - you don't know what you may be walking into and you already have a nice family. Good luck whatever you decide.
Sorry my novel was insanely muddled together and written while overly angry about the situation. The brother and half brother are two different people. 22 year old is the brother, he's wonderful, just a little emotionally confused and really wants someone to love. We text daily, he had grown up knowing he had an older sister out there somewhere. We've clicked almost right away. He is the one with the pregnant girlfriend. He comes to me daily for support about that topic. The 19 year old is the half brother, he is more emotionally damaged than anyone I have ever met. He was clinging to me fairly quickly and I had tried to put some space between that and tread on friendly topics, but it had always gone back to his depression and life, how terrible it was and how he hated where he is living.. I'm 25, and not his mother figure. He has severe depression and a girlfriend who is 17. He was the one that confided in me about wanting to come home, at 19 I think it would be the correct thing to do personally. They are the only two people I want any contact with, none of the brothers/sisters talk either, so having two talk with me is different for the family. I am a very judgemental person. I grew up in a great household with two amazing parents, I cannot recall a time I didn't have what I needed, I have zero bad memories about my childhood. So being introduced to so many people that went nowhere in life, have addiction issues and so many emotional voids has been hard. But I do want to get to know my brother. I was raised an only child so actually having this connection with someone has been quite wonderful. I don't plan on meeting anyone in person for quite awhile. My whole life if someone didn't meet my expectations or caused me emotional it was easier to get rid of them and continue with my life. So when it came to my bio father really not stacking up to what I was hoping he would be in any aspects, it was way too worthless for me to keep attempting to get to know him. I hate coming across as judgemental, but I couldn't tolerate that he really just failed at his life, fathered a bunch of kids, had a ****ty job and 4 kids he never talks to. It didn't sit right with me that he viewed that treatment of his children as a 'good relationship'
iGeek, So how do you think you would have turned out if you didn't grow up as the only child in a great household that gave you everything you needed and everything was brilliant all the time... Would you be judging yourself today? or would you have compassion based on empathy (understand the difference between sympathy and empathy) of knowing what it was like to grow up that way...because how you paint the picture of your life you never had to be the one to pull yourself up as a child, without a helping hand waiting to make sure you didn't fail. (not saying you should dive right in and embrace this family - just a question - if you can't try and see where you would be today in the same environment then can you judge someone for where they are in life?) You have two siblings that you may want a long term relationship with - focus on that while trying to walk a mile in their shoes to understand where they are coming from. If you understand that then perhaps you can use advice from your parents to help them like you were helped. If things change in the future with other members of the family decide about them later. I am not trying to be mean here but at 25 your views are still colored by living in the home of your parents and not having any of the hard knocks life throws your way - in twenty years you may feel differently because we all make bad decisions. Kind regards,Dickons
I am a very judgemental person. I grew up in a great household with two amazing parents, I cannot recall a time I didn't have what I needed, I have zero bad memories about my childhood.
Your "reunion" is very, very young. You hadn't expected it. You hadn't looked for it. Thus, you didn't prepare for it. So, I understand how you might feel as though you've been unwillingly sucked into a different world.Maybe you don't want a relationship with your b-father or the rest of your b-family, or maybe you're just starting to feel the negative emotions that can be associated with adoption. (To have a happy adopted family, a loss must first occur. Maybe you're beginning to feel the loss.). And, also, any fantasies that you may have held about your family have been dispelled, and you now have to deal with the reality of who they are. I only talk with my b-dad once a week. There is no way that he could call me every day. It's just not who he is. He would feel trapped.... If you're not interested in knowing your b-dad, fine. But, if you are interested, maybe just ask him how often he would like to commit to talking with you. Make it a conversation rather than a dictate. You don't have to have a relationship with your b-family just because they found you. But, I wouldn't close doors right away. You need time to adjust. Then, after the dust has settled, you can decide what you want to do.Again, my recommendation to you is not to close any doors. If you need time away from them, just tell them you need some time. But, don't close them out completely until you're absolutely sure that you don't want them to be a part of your life. It would be a shame if down the road you want to give it another try, and they won't let you because you figuratively slammed the door closed on the relationship.I'm so sorry that you were blindsided. Even for those of us who prepare (as best we can) and are the searchers, reunions can be messy and difficult to negotiate. Continue reading forums, blogs, books, etc. about reunion.
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I wouldn't close any doors either.
You know, I'm pretty close with my dad and I think I only talk to him on the phone once or twice a month. My mom and I talk a lot more than that, but not dad. As far as my brothers.... the one I am in reunion with I talk to once or twice a year. My brothers in my adoptive family... I text with them maybe once a month, just depends. I rarely talk on the phone to them.
I think your expectations from relative strangers are pretty high personally. Give everyone some time.
The whole thing is tough to navigate and I imagine even more difficult when you are the "found" one.
I understand this is very hard, and you are dealing with a family that is very different from the one you were raised in, and there is quite a bit of dysfunction in your biological family, however, this stood out for me:
I would scale back the expectation of talking every night. I can't imagine talking to anyone every single night, and don't find it so unusual that your birthfather wants some space in between phone calls. It is very hard in the beginning of reunion, not knowing when/if the other person is going to call. I hate to say it, but it's a lot like dating in that you feel very vulnerable, and there are a lot of unknowns, and it's very emotional. My son and I were fortunate in that after our first phone call, we made specific plans to talk again the following week, and then there was a holiday the week after, so we said we'd talk the next week, and after that, I would usually initiate a call every few weeks or so. I loved that we took things slowly and had in-between time to process the emotions that came up for both of us (though my son would never admit any of that!). We've been reunited for several years now and things are much more relaxed between us, but I might not hear from him for several weeks at a time, sometimes longer. We do play Words With Friends though, and text more often. Things have settled into a more typical relationship with us, I think.
You have a lot to process, are unprepared for it all, and under a whirlwind of emotions. Does the agency that handled your adoption offer any support groups for triad members in reunion? If so, you may want to look into them. It can be extremely helpful to meet people IRL who have gone through reunion. You might also look into books on adoption reunion, though most are going to talk about the birthmother/child perspective and not the birthfather/child perspective.
We had a few good conversations nightly and got to know each other, then he would disappear for a few days at a time without a word. I come from a pretty close family, so this was confusing and hard for me to understand - someone stating that they were looking for me for the last 20 years, but couldn't make 15 mins a night to talk to me? I wasn't okay with that.
I feel bad for you that you feel that in regards to your biological family that you have ever been a part of something "so broken". You acknowledge that you love your aparents very much so it seems that you have a great family. And since you have cut contact with your biological father I see no reason for you to try to keep contact with him or any member of any family who is not willing to treat you with kindness and respect.
As for the biological brother you want to keep contact with- relationships are two way streets. I hope you both come to a place in which you show each other you want to be in each other's life and do not let other people get in the way.
Reunion relationships only work when all parties are willing to be treat each other well. I see a lot of dysfunction in your biological family, and sadly your adoptive parents seem unwilling to talk about any issues you have with being adopted or your other family.
IMHO the best thing you can do is try to seek some counseling for advice. Best wishes.